Went to the library yesterday, and got a book called "Thirsty" by Tracey Bateman. Published by WaterBrook Press, a Christian publishing company. I grabbed it because, shocker of all shockers, it's a novel with vampires in it. A Christian novel with vampires in it. Wondering how in the world the author did that, I decided to read it.
And couldn't put it down. I just finished it.
The story is about Nina, a woman who started drinking as a child, because her father was an alcoholic and left booze all over the house. Curious, she would take drinks here and there, and by the age of ten, she was a steady drinker. By her teens, she was an alcoholic. This led to a wild graduation party, an unfortunate incident with sex after a lot of alcohol, leaving town the next day, a pregnancy, a daughter, eventually a husband and another child, staying sober for years, then falling off the wagon and ending up divorced, without custody, and in court ordered rehab in her late 30's. In a nutshell.
The vampire is in the story, but not the center of the story, although he deals with his own addictions, one being (obvious) blood, two being Nina. He found her the night of the graduation party, and instead of feeding on her, he left her where the cops would find her, so that she would be ok. He stayed in that town for 17 years waiting for her to return.
After rehab, she returns, to start over. They strike up a friendship, he never harms her, and ends up sacrificing his own life to save hers when an evil vodoo witch vampire comes looking to reclaim him as her long lost love. End the vampire part of the story. (sorry to spoil the ending)
The book really is about addiction. And there are some thoughts in it that I wanted to write down, so am doing this to share.
"One thing she'd learned - she could stand alone. She battled her demons daily, and so far, every day she was winning. It wasn't easy to make good choices when she'd been making poor ones for so long, but with each right decision, she gained the strength to forge ahead to the next right decision. And even though sometimes the path twisted and she took a step or two in the wrong direction, getting back on track was becoming easier and easier. She'd made the decision to be strong and confident and to find serenity."
That's the last few paragraph of the book, with some mushy reconciling with the ex husband stuff taken out. It resonates with me.
And the author's words after the end of the book:
"With so many inside and outside the four church walls addicted to prescription medicines, street drugs, and alcohol, I knew I would find a readership that understood what I was trying to accomplish. To show that we have power inside of us to overcome. To rise up and say, "Greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world" (1 John 4:4 KJV). Addiction is awful and hard to overcome. But there is a truth that in my own clumsy, imperfect, human way I tried to show. Perhaps the Veggie Tales characters sing it best: "God is bigger than the Boogeyman." What is your "I can't"? Whatever it is, I hope you will dive deep, all the way to the real you - perhaps even to depths you didn't know existed - and pull out a strength you didn't know you possessed."
Hmmmm. Makes ya think. The part I bolded...especially. Who is the real me? Will I ever find all of her? I've scratched the surface...but will have to go - as the author states - to depths I didn't know existed to find all of her.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Glancing Back, Focusing Forward
2009.
I had big plans for 2009. Lose weight. Get off blood pressure meds. Develop relationships. End world hunger. BIG plans.
And what did I do? Suffice it to say, not much. I lost a few pounds. Blood pressure meds, well at least the doc lowered the dose of one. Relationships...I met a few new people, and got a little closer to a few family members. World hunger...ok, maybe that one's a bit pie-in-the-sky for me.
I glance back at 2009 and recognize the reality of it: 2009 was all about discovery. I discovered a lot of things. Like ... several of my issues stem from generational things, and that I have within me the power to break those cycles. And, being addicted to food doesn't necessarily mean that food has to be the enemy. And, I have NO discipline in most areas of my life. And, there are still deeper levels of forgiving myself that will be required as I reach certain goals in the future. And, I'm pretty uncertain about the future. And, Morocco isn't for me to hold tightly to, but to let go of completely, and God will give it back when He deems fit to do so. And, FRIENDS ARE IMPORTANT. And, I don't have enough of them. And, I'm tired of being alone.
The list goes on and on. I've discovered so much about God, myself, and how we work together, and how we dont work together, and we should work together. Old desires have died. New passions have ignited. Some of which (on both sides) have taken me completely by surprise. If it had all come at once, I'd have been 100% overwhelmed, and probably locked myself in a cage and thrown away the key. Thankfully, it came in bits and pieces, over 12 months, in the year that is called 2009.
So, I guess, in truth...a lot happened in 2009. The question is...what do I do with it? How do I move forward? What do I want 2010 to be about?
DISCIPLINE. It's an ugly word in most circles. But necessary, to say the least.
Discipline in spiritual matters, discpline in eating and working out, discipline in financial matters, discipline in work matters, discipline in health matters...in all those areas, my failures are a direct result of a lack of discipline. That is my focus in the coming year...developing a disciplined life while enjoying the joys of every day as they come.
After years of depression and years of healing, it seems I'm finally beginning to LIVE. Yes, I'm child-like in many ways. But I've decided that the only way to come to terms with that is to embrace it, enjoy it, and continue to grow through it.
2010 is going to be a great year.
I had big plans for 2009. Lose weight. Get off blood pressure meds. Develop relationships. End world hunger. BIG plans.
And what did I do? Suffice it to say, not much. I lost a few pounds. Blood pressure meds, well at least the doc lowered the dose of one. Relationships...I met a few new people, and got a little closer to a few family members. World hunger...ok, maybe that one's a bit pie-in-the-sky for me.
I glance back at 2009 and recognize the reality of it: 2009 was all about discovery. I discovered a lot of things. Like ... several of my issues stem from generational things, and that I have within me the power to break those cycles. And, being addicted to food doesn't necessarily mean that food has to be the enemy. And, I have NO discipline in most areas of my life. And, there are still deeper levels of forgiving myself that will be required as I reach certain goals in the future. And, I'm pretty uncertain about the future. And, Morocco isn't for me to hold tightly to, but to let go of completely, and God will give it back when He deems fit to do so. And, FRIENDS ARE IMPORTANT. And, I don't have enough of them. And, I'm tired of being alone.
The list goes on and on. I've discovered so much about God, myself, and how we work together, and how we dont work together, and we should work together. Old desires have died. New passions have ignited. Some of which (on both sides) have taken me completely by surprise. If it had all come at once, I'd have been 100% overwhelmed, and probably locked myself in a cage and thrown away the key. Thankfully, it came in bits and pieces, over 12 months, in the year that is called 2009.
So, I guess, in truth...a lot happened in 2009. The question is...what do I do with it? How do I move forward? What do I want 2010 to be about?
DISCIPLINE. It's an ugly word in most circles. But necessary, to say the least.
Discipline in spiritual matters, discpline in eating and working out, discipline in financial matters, discipline in work matters, discipline in health matters...in all those areas, my failures are a direct result of a lack of discipline. That is my focus in the coming year...developing a disciplined life while enjoying the joys of every day as they come.
After years of depression and years of healing, it seems I'm finally beginning to LIVE. Yes, I'm child-like in many ways. But I've decided that the only way to come to terms with that is to embrace it, enjoy it, and continue to grow through it.
2010 is going to be a great year.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Are you kidding me??
I watched this movie this morning. It's called Disfigured, an indie film about a morbidly obese woman and an anorexic woman who become friends.
It opens with a "Fat Awareness Action Group"...a group of very overweight women (and a few men) who are actually pretty militant in their attitudes about the way other people treat them because they are fat. I'll be honest...I used to be the same way. My attitude was this: I'm a big girl, so what? It's just the way God made me. Why can't you see past the fat to the person? If I'm able to, why can't you? I'm overweight, but I'm healthy.
That's pure bullshit! Obviously, my attitude has changed. A few things these people were saying made me realize just how much.
For instance: You want to lose weight? That's self-hatred. How can you expect people to accept that you're fat if you can't accept that your fat?
RIDICULOUS. Yes, it's a script. But YES, there are people out there that view being fat exactly like this! I've met them! And it PISSES ME OFF.
Being fat isn't something that just happened to me. It's not "the way I'm supposed to be" or "the way God made me". Being fat is something I did to MYSELF. It was a form of self-hatred when I did it. So now, I want to be healthy, and you tell me that I'm hating myself?
Is it self-hatred to want to be off blood pressure meds? Is it self-hatred to want to turn away from the risk of diabetes? Is it self-hatred to want to stop my heart muscle from thickening further? Is it self-hatred to want to be able to run a marathon? Is it self-hatred to want to be HEALTHY?
Get real!
And face the facts. Our bodies are wonderful, miraculous machines...built by a wonderful, miraculous God. They will function through the most rigorous of circumstances...but they can only take so much. He did NOT intend for our bodies to carry 100 extra pounds. Which is why overweight people are at such high risk for so many diseases. It's not about hating yourself for being fat. It's about taking responsibility for your own actions, and taking CARE of your body. Living in obesity is the exact opposite - instead of taking care of your body, you're destroying your body.
I love me. I love my personality, I love my laugh, I love my natural beauty. Do I love my body? Yes, I do, because it's the vessel God gave me to walk this earth. And because I love my body, and because I love God above all things, I am losing weight. Because I love this body, I am going to TAKE CARE of it.
Whatever you do, it's your choice. But don't you DARE condemn me for wanting to be healthy.
Whew. I'm off my soap box now. Just had to let that out.
It opens with a "Fat Awareness Action Group"...a group of very overweight women (and a few men) who are actually pretty militant in their attitudes about the way other people treat them because they are fat. I'll be honest...I used to be the same way. My attitude was this: I'm a big girl, so what? It's just the way God made me. Why can't you see past the fat to the person? If I'm able to, why can't you? I'm overweight, but I'm healthy.
That's pure bullshit! Obviously, my attitude has changed. A few things these people were saying made me realize just how much.
For instance: You want to lose weight? That's self-hatred. How can you expect people to accept that you're fat if you can't accept that your fat?
RIDICULOUS. Yes, it's a script. But YES, there are people out there that view being fat exactly like this! I've met them! And it PISSES ME OFF.
Being fat isn't something that just happened to me. It's not "the way I'm supposed to be" or "the way God made me". Being fat is something I did to MYSELF. It was a form of self-hatred when I did it. So now, I want to be healthy, and you tell me that I'm hating myself?
Is it self-hatred to want to be off blood pressure meds? Is it self-hatred to want to turn away from the risk of diabetes? Is it self-hatred to want to stop my heart muscle from thickening further? Is it self-hatred to want to be able to run a marathon? Is it self-hatred to want to be HEALTHY?
Get real!
And face the facts. Our bodies are wonderful, miraculous machines...built by a wonderful, miraculous God. They will function through the most rigorous of circumstances...but they can only take so much. He did NOT intend for our bodies to carry 100 extra pounds. Which is why overweight people are at such high risk for so many diseases. It's not about hating yourself for being fat. It's about taking responsibility for your own actions, and taking CARE of your body. Living in obesity is the exact opposite - instead of taking care of your body, you're destroying your body.
I love me. I love my personality, I love my laugh, I love my natural beauty. Do I love my body? Yes, I do, because it's the vessel God gave me to walk this earth. And because I love my body, and because I love God above all things, I am losing weight. Because I love this body, I am going to TAKE CARE of it.
Whatever you do, it's your choice. But don't you DARE condemn me for wanting to be healthy.
Whew. I'm off my soap box now. Just had to let that out.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Back to the Surface
Have you ever had that feeling...the one where you've been hanging on for so long, dog-paddling to stay afloat, and finally, you're just so tired you go under? And for a moment...it's blissful. No more fighting, no more struggling, no more striving...just peace and quiet. And then suddenly you wake back up and think "WHAT AM I DOING???" And your head breaks the surface of the water, and you see the rescue boat so close you wonder why you didn't just turn your head before to notice it...and the next thing you know, you're in the boat wrapped in warm, cozy blankets and real peace comes.
That's about where I am right now...wrapped in those warm, cozy blankets existing - for now at least - in real peace.
It's a nice feeling.
No format today. I just wanted to get something on here. Something real. I have my laptop back, so am going to (hopefully) stick to updating regularly. I'll be back in the gym next week (YAY), and tracking food again.
So let's see if this former hot chick can finally get back to her fullness of hotness. OH YEAH! lol - as if that makes ANY sense. :o)
That's about where I am right now...wrapped in those warm, cozy blankets existing - for now at least - in real peace.
It's a nice feeling.
No format today. I just wanted to get something on here. Something real. I have my laptop back, so am going to (hopefully) stick to updating regularly. I'll be back in the gym next week (YAY), and tracking food again.
So let's see if this former hot chick can finally get back to her fullness of hotness. OH YEAH! lol - as if that makes ANY sense. :o)
Saturday, August 8, 2009
It's been a while...
It's been a while since my last post. But I'm determined to be more faithful to this blog. Maybe I need a little structure. How about...every post includes a few certain things, like...
One Song: (Title, Artist, and why I love the song)
One Insight: (Something I've realized about myself, my life, or the world, even, that may or not be profound)
One Goal: (Something I want to do - a goal or ambition)
These things can be the staples of every post. In addition to my ordinary musings and rantings, of course.
So let's start:
One Song: "Dawn" (Jean-Yves Thibaudet - Pride & Prejudice Soundtrack 2005) - I love this song...it's the opening piece in the movie. Because it's called "Dawn", it also reminds me of myself. The beginning is a little soft and timid, kind of like waking up from depression as I did several years ago. It gains momentum, then suddenly bursts forth - like I did once I healed and began to discover who I am. It ends in a wonderfully restful pace...a pace that speaks of peace and contentedness. Like how I feel about who I am, and who I am becoming.
One Insight: The last couple days, I've realized something. I am addicted to food, yes. Because of this addiction, I've assumed that food is my enemy. Something I have to get control over, beat into submission, dominate. Over the last few weeks, something odd has been happening. I've been watching a lot of the Food Network, and even saw Julie & Julia, and while watching, I'm falling in love with food. I'm discovering a passion for food that isn't present within the addiction itself. I'm learning about food. Growing in my perception of food. And I can see that my relationship with food is starting to change. Although I cannot yet allow myself to get comfortable with food - I still tend to gravitate towards the candy bars - I am starting to look forward to the day - and know it's coming - when I will have a wonderfully HEALTHY relationship with food. :o)
One Goal: Well, I hurt my back last month, and have lost a solid month or so of training and gym time because of it. So the marathon is out. However, I still want to do the half marathon in December, January or February. I have 3-5 months to get ready, and I'm not sure I can do it. It would be a walk/run for sure. But it's a goal.
Okay. That's enough for today. I'm without a laptop for the next couple weeks, so until I get that baby back, posts will continue to be sporadic. :o) Hang in there!
One Song: (Title, Artist, and why I love the song)
One Insight: (Something I've realized about myself, my life, or the world, even, that may or not be profound)
One Goal: (Something I want to do - a goal or ambition)
These things can be the staples of every post. In addition to my ordinary musings and rantings, of course.
So let's start:
One Song: "Dawn" (Jean-Yves Thibaudet - Pride & Prejudice Soundtrack 2005) - I love this song...it's the opening piece in the movie. Because it's called "Dawn", it also reminds me of myself. The beginning is a little soft and timid, kind of like waking up from depression as I did several years ago. It gains momentum, then suddenly bursts forth - like I did once I healed and began to discover who I am. It ends in a wonderfully restful pace...a pace that speaks of peace and contentedness. Like how I feel about who I am, and who I am becoming.
One Insight: The last couple days, I've realized something. I am addicted to food, yes. Because of this addiction, I've assumed that food is my enemy. Something I have to get control over, beat into submission, dominate. Over the last few weeks, something odd has been happening. I've been watching a lot of the Food Network, and even saw Julie & Julia, and while watching, I'm falling in love with food. I'm discovering a passion for food that isn't present within the addiction itself. I'm learning about food. Growing in my perception of food. And I can see that my relationship with food is starting to change. Although I cannot yet allow myself to get comfortable with food - I still tend to gravitate towards the candy bars - I am starting to look forward to the day - and know it's coming - when I will have a wonderfully HEALTHY relationship with food. :o)
One Goal: Well, I hurt my back last month, and have lost a solid month or so of training and gym time because of it. So the marathon is out. However, I still want to do the half marathon in December, January or February. I have 3-5 months to get ready, and I'm not sure I can do it. It would be a walk/run for sure. But it's a goal.
Okay. That's enough for today. I'm without a laptop for the next couple weeks, so until I get that baby back, posts will continue to be sporadic. :o) Hang in there!
Saturday, May 16, 2009
The Biker, The Dress, The Bugg, and Other Stuff
Howdy!
This is the green tree I mentioned in my previous update. Isn't it perty?
Things have been going well. Very well, indeed! So, I'm gonna make this update as fun as possible, because I'm just in that kind of mood. :o)
THE BIKER: The other day, whilst waiting for the 109 South at Maryland Parkway and Desert Inn, I saw something that made me laugh out loud. A man riding a bike...a pedal bike mind you...went by, going south. As he passed the bus stop, I saw him lift a cigarette to his lips. He was SMOKING while riding his BIKE in TRAFFIC. How crazy is that??? And what's funnier?? About an hour or so later, whilst I was waiting for the 109 North by the entrance to the UNLV campus...he went by me again (sans ciggy), going north, and did a double take as he recognized me from earlier!! So this stranger made me laugh out loud TWICE within 2 hours this morning. :o) Life is just so much FUN!!
THE DRESS: This lovely piece of fabric (several pieces actually) is my first goal dress. Isn't it beautiful?
The picture does it not one iota of justice. I spied it in JCPenny a couple months ago, and melted. Like butter on a hot day. I watched Biggest Loser (wk 17) the other day, and the girls tried on their "goal clothes", and it was an inspiring moment. And then the most beautiful thing happened...while walking by this little darling of a dress, I noticed a "CLEARANCE" sign...and the dress was marked down - $50 to $20 - and because of another sale on top of the clearance, I got it for $15 yesterday. It's a size 11, which is about 5-7 sizes from where I'm at now. It'll be "so last season" by the time I wear it, but that has never stopped me before! I can see strappy sandals and a little make up and a night out. Oh yeah. Who wants to join???
THE DRESS: This lovely piece of fabric (several pieces actually) is my first goal dress. Isn't it beautiful?
The picture does it not one iota of justice. I spied it in JCPenny a couple months ago, and melted. Like butter on a hot day. I watched Biggest Loser (wk 17) the other day, and the girls tried on their "goal clothes", and it was an inspiring moment. And then the most beautiful thing happened...while walking by this little darling of a dress, I noticed a "CLEARANCE" sign...and the dress was marked down - $50 to $20 - and because of another sale on top of the clearance, I got it for $15 yesterday. It's a size 11, which is about 5-7 sizes from where I'm at now. It'll be "so last season" by the time I wear it, but that has never stopped me before! I can see strappy sandals and a little make up and a night out. Oh yeah. Who wants to join???THE BUGG: I'm wearing a bugg on my arm these days! The bodybugg that is! I love this thing. It tells you how many calories you burn, and coupled with the online part where you log your food intake, it gives you a clear picture of what kind of calorie deficit you're working with. I've been shocked and amazed. As long as I eat healthy...I'll lose weight pretty quickly. My deficits are around 3000 calories a day (hotel housekeeping burns 4500-5500 calories a day!!), and I'm eating often, and mostly enough. I consume between 1700-2200 calories a day. I have gone to bed hungry a few times, though. With that kind of deficit I don't think it will matter too much if I eat something late, but since I've not been sleeping well, I don't want anything to muddy the waters in that department. (BTW - Lavender Chamomile (sp) pillow mist from Bath and Body Works works wonders...used it last night and slept MUCH better!) The online part also gives you a breakdown of your nutrition, kinda like a food label. I've learned that I'm consuming way too much cholesterol, and way too much sodium. I had NO idea. My hope is that the bugg will help greatly in this journey of getting healthy. :o) (BTW - it's about 90% accurate.)
THE MARATHON: Erin (my lovely trainer) asked me the other day, "When do yo
u think you'd be able to do a 5K?" Well, since all I've talked about is a marathon, I didn't know what to say. I looked down at my still ample belly, looked back at her, and said, "I dunno!" She said, "Seriously. Do you think...two months?" My eyes went as wide as they could POSSIBLY go, and I looked at my belly again, and looked at her and said, "TWO MONTHS???" She smiled, never ruffled, and said, "I think you can do it." I said, "TWO MONTHS???" She said, "I'm thinking, walk or run or both, and we'll do it together." I stared at her (eyes still wide mind you) for a second longer than what would be considered a look...gulped...and said, "Okay!" This is probably not the convo verbatim, but it is how I remember it. :o) We're both Biggest Loser fans, and were both amazed when the final four contestants did a MARATHON. With 20 days (ish) notice! So basically, hardly any training. And they all finished! Two of them walked the entire thing, but still...they FINISHED. Hokey Ding Dong! And the prize? If they finished, they received $10,000 to give to the charity of their choice. And the satisfaction of knowing they've completed a MARATHON. Then Frauke visited last Saturday. She said, "I think you can totally do the Las Vegas Marathon in December. Maybe not running the whole thing, but you can do it!" I laughed. No, really, I did. But the idea, after these three related instances, took root. I kicked it around all week. And came to this conclusion: I want to participate in the Las Vegas Marathon in December. I might not run the whole thing. But I want to do it. I might be C-R-A-Z-Y. But so what? :o)
THE MARATHON: Erin (my lovely trainer) asked me the other day, "When do yo
u think you'd be able to do a 5K?" Well, since all I've talked about is a marathon, I didn't know what to say. I looked down at my still ample belly, looked back at her, and said, "I dunno!" She said, "Seriously. Do you think...two months?" My eyes went as wide as they could POSSIBLY go, and I looked at my belly again, and looked at her and said, "TWO MONTHS???" She smiled, never ruffled, and said, "I think you can do it." I said, "TWO MONTHS???" She said, "I'm thinking, walk or run or both, and we'll do it together." I stared at her (eyes still wide mind you) for a second longer than what would be considered a look...gulped...and said, "Okay!" This is probably not the convo verbatim, but it is how I remember it. :o) We're both Biggest Loser fans, and were both amazed when the final four contestants did a MARATHON. With 20 days (ish) notice! So basically, hardly any training. And they all finished! Two of them walked the entire thing, but still...they FINISHED. Hokey Ding Dong! And the prize? If they finished, they received $10,000 to give to the charity of their choice. And the satisfaction of knowing they've completed a MARATHON. Then Frauke visited last Saturday. She said, "I think you can totally do the Las Vegas Marathon in December. Maybe not running the whole thing, but you can do it!" I laughed. No, really, I did. But the idea, after these three related instances, took root. I kicked it around all week. And came to this conclusion: I want to participate in the Las Vegas Marathon in December. I might not run the whole thing. But I want to do it. I might be C-R-A-Z-Y. But so what? :o) OTHER STUFF: I like my toes. I realized this sometime last week, I think. I got some Chacos...wonderfully toe-freeing sandals. I say that because for work I have to wear knee-highs (panty hose that only come up to the knees for you girly stuff illiterate guy types). And because I walk SO MUCH, my poor toes get crunched all day long. By the end of the day, those poor cute little buggers are begging for some freedom. So, when I wear my Chacos, they get that freedom. And watching those cute little buggers wiggle and enjoy their freedom made me realize...they really are cute little buggers. So yeah. I like my toes. Got a problem with that? :o)
I'm thinking of giving up Starbucks for a while. Just thinking. Don't know how far that thought will go.
I am pursuing a Fitness and Nutrition certificate at Penn Foster College. :o) Signed up last weekend. I'm only in the second part of the first module, and have already learned so much! Can't wait to dig deeper! Don't know what exactly I'll do with the certificate...surely it'll help if I do decide to become a personal trainer later.
This is the green tree I mentioned in my previous update. Isn't it perty?
So, I guess that's all for now. Hopefully, you enjoyed reading this and even laughed a little in the process. :o) I hope so! Have a wonderful day, friends!
Friday, May 1, 2009
Hello Little One...Welcome Home.
I have a photo from when I was younger. My father, brother and I sitting at the kitchen table at home in Maryland. I'm about 4 or 5...and the scene is one of mischief and childish glee. I have looked at that photo and wondered where that girl went...she was happy, she was extroverted, she was in love with life. I asked my mom one day and her explanation was: Life happened to you. Life changed you.
I didn't like that explanation. No matter how true it is.
Today, I was riding the bus, and realized something: I'm smiling a lot these days. For no reason, really.
Crossing the street, walking in front of cars, I smile.
I see an entirely tree-lined street (uncommon for this desert city), and smile with eyes wide in wonder.
I see a little girl be-bopping her way through the crosswalk behind her parents, and grin at ther, enjoying that who-cares-what-people-think attitude...and grin wider when she grins back.
There are relaxed smiles with eyes closed when I hear the birds on the way to the bus stop in the morning.
There are loud, laughing smiles watching birds hop after grasshoppers.
There are giggling smiles when a little boy points out an airplane in the sky...smiling at me as I share in his amazing discovery.
I chuckle to myself as I'm waiting on word of those elusive alfalfa sprouts and see an older man strutting hard through the produce section. (can't find alfalfa sprouts anywhere - and that makes me laugh as well)
Smiles. Laughter.
It's normal.
It's expected.
And as I notice this, I smile wider...and welcome myself back to life.
I didn't like that explanation. No matter how true it is.
Today, I was riding the bus, and realized something: I'm smiling a lot these days. For no reason, really.
Crossing the street, walking in front of cars, I smile.
I see an entirely tree-lined street (uncommon for this desert city), and smile with eyes wide in wonder.
I see a little girl be-bopping her way through the crosswalk behind her parents, and grin at ther, enjoying that who-cares-what-people-think attitude...and grin wider when she grins back.
There are relaxed smiles with eyes closed when I hear the birds on the way to the bus stop in the morning.
There are loud, laughing smiles watching birds hop after grasshoppers.
There are giggling smiles when a little boy points out an airplane in the sky...smiling at me as I share in his amazing discovery.
I chuckle to myself as I'm waiting on word of those elusive alfalfa sprouts and see an older man strutting hard through the produce section. (can't find alfalfa sprouts anywhere - and that makes me laugh as well)
Smiles. Laughter.
It's normal.
It's expected.
And as I notice this, I smile wider...and welcome myself back to life.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Sorrow and Joy Part 2 - and a GREEN tree!
Today was session #6 of the marathon 7. On my way to the gym, I stopped at Starbucks. Give me a break...the bus stop is right in front of the store, and the timing was such that it was either sit outside for 20 minutes, or go in and relax into the wonderful smells and sounds of my second Happy Place. (The first is the library.)
As I walk out of the store, and towards the bus stop, I have a half smile on my face and feel wonderfully relaxed - if not more than a bit tired. I look up and there in front of me is ... a GREEN TREE. The leaves are green, the bark is green, and the blossoms on the branches are bright yellow. I almost stopped in my tracks. This sight took me by complete surprise, and I'd worked at this very Starbucks for several months just over a year ago. I do not really understand why it seemed so, but that tree was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. :o) A GREEN TREE. You just don't see that every day!
Okay - on with the story.Working with Erin has been GREAT! :o)
She's a totally different type of trainer than Anthony, and much better suited to my needs. She focuses on all aspects of fitness, instead of just building strength and muscle. And I love the sessions she sets up - one day we do the front of the body (chest, biceps, core, quads), another we do the back of the body (back, triceps, lower back, hamstrings), another we do the "sides" of the body (outer & inner thigh, obliques)...we do cardio intervals (weights, cardio, weights, cardio), and one day we even did intervals on the treadmill (3 min high intensity, 3 minutes low, 2 high, 2 low, etc). The workouts are varied and cover the entire body, without tiring out one muscle group excessively. I sweat like crazy, but have fun doing it! The sessions go SUPER FAST...it seems like we've only been going for 20 minutes when the session is over.
I've been sore in muscles I never experienced soreness while working with Tony. My back muscles were sore the other day!! And yeah - you may call me crazy - but muscle soreness feels WONDERFUL to me!
When I told her that I wanted to run a marathon sometime next year, she didn't laugh or tell me to try a shorter distance (as did Tony). It turns out that her specialty is training people to get ready for running marathons. :o) Funny how that happens, yeah? :o) She's 100% supportive. When I told her that this whole experience is giving me a desire to become a personal trainer someday, she responded with enthusiasm and encouragement, saying "Think of the inspiration you could be to others!"
So, yeah, having Erin take over my training has been a very good thing. :o)
As for other things...here is a note (in italics) I wrote on my phone before my first session with Erin. It puts my feelings into words better then I could convey now, almost a week later.
It's interesting what you learn about yourself when things happen that 1. Are beyond your control and 2. Send your mind and heart reeling in a thousand different directions, all opposite from the direction they were currrently traveling. It's almost as if, the moment this tragedy (for lack of a better word) strikes, you're afforded the opportunity to step away from yourself and watch each reaction and adjustment unfold. Perhaps this is God's intention...as He allows these heart-rending and heart-breaking events into our lives, He is also allowing us to witness our own growth.
So, what have I learned about myself through this thing with Anthony? For starters, I've realized that I'm no longer unhappy by default. Where unhappiness used to be the "norm" for my emotional state, the opposite is true now. My default is now happy and bubbly. Unhappiness has become an unwelcome intruder. I'm not exactly sure when that happened, but it has. And it is SO good. :o)
Another thing I have realized is how very open my heart is. I bought this necklace - the open heart necklace by Jane Seymour from Kay Jewelers - for that reason - I considered it true in theory, but maybe wasn't thinking it was completely true of ME. It has sunk in over the last few days how very true it is of me. I used to pride myself in being someone who was closed and protected. Now, I can see that the doors have opened and the walls have come tumbling down. I have a very open heart now. Granted, it means I also get hurt very easily, but I would much rather love freely and get hurt than never love and miss out on that joy.
I also realized how painful it is when someone you care about cannot see in themselves what you see in them. So many times in the past people have been on that end with me...and I either could not see what they saw, or chose not to see what they saw. I've never been on this end before. Anthony sees himself in a negative light in many ways...he has no clue how inspirational he is, and he has no clue how worthy of happiness he is. It's painful to hear him say things like "I don't deserve it" or "I'm just a screw-up". The kid is a walking miracle, and he's oblivious to how special he is. It hurts me to see it. And now I have a better understanding of how frustrating it was for those in my life who have been in the same position.
Meeting and becoming friends with Anthony was something worth doing. It ended badly, I guess, but during the time I was interacting with him, I was able to show him what true friendship is, what true acceptance is, and how God loves him. What he did with those things...well, that's nothing I can control or be responsible for. I only hope that in some way God touched his heart through me. Being open was my job where Anthony is concerned, and I succeeded in that mission. The outcome is up to Anthony and God. The only thing left for me to do is let go, and move on.
Moving on....I'm going to try YOGA for the first time Friday. :o) Maybe. There's a class at the gym on Fridays. I want that flexibility!! Is there a difference between a fitness mat and a yoga mat? I have a fitness mat... ANYWAY, I'm considering taking the class. We'll see. I might be too much of a scaredy-cat, but hopefully not. :o)
My 7th session (and last to get the 10 free) is Thursday evening. I'm taking a session break for a week. I'll do the yoga class, walk the neighborhood, do some ab work...but I'm feeling the fatigue today. I've been going hard, and need a little break. :o) After that, it's back to business.
I am very optimistic about the next several months. :o) First goal - go below the 200 line! That's less than 30 pounds away! YEAH BABY!
As I walk out of the store, and towards the bus stop, I have a half smile on my face and feel wonderfully relaxed - if not more than a bit tired. I look up and there in front of me is ... a GREEN TREE. The leaves are green, the bark is green, and the blossoms on the branches are bright yellow. I almost stopped in my tracks. This sight took me by complete surprise, and I'd worked at this very Starbucks for several months just over a year ago. I do not really understand why it seemed so, but that tree was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. :o) A GREEN TREE. You just don't see that every day!
Okay - on with the story.Working with Erin has been GREAT! :o)
She's a totally different type of trainer than Anthony, and much better suited to my needs. She focuses on all aspects of fitness, instead of just building strength and muscle. And I love the sessions she sets up - one day we do the front of the body (chest, biceps, core, quads), another we do the back of the body (back, triceps, lower back, hamstrings), another we do the "sides" of the body (outer & inner thigh, obliques)...we do cardio intervals (weights, cardio, weights, cardio), and one day we even did intervals on the treadmill (3 min high intensity, 3 minutes low, 2 high, 2 low, etc). The workouts are varied and cover the entire body, without tiring out one muscle group excessively. I sweat like crazy, but have fun doing it! The sessions go SUPER FAST...it seems like we've only been going for 20 minutes when the session is over.
I've been sore in muscles I never experienced soreness while working with Tony. My back muscles were sore the other day!! And yeah - you may call me crazy - but muscle soreness feels WONDERFUL to me!
When I told her that I wanted to run a marathon sometime next year, she didn't laugh or tell me to try a shorter distance (as did Tony). It turns out that her specialty is training people to get ready for running marathons. :o) Funny how that happens, yeah? :o) She's 100% supportive. When I told her that this whole experience is giving me a desire to become a personal trainer someday, she responded with enthusiasm and encouragement, saying "Think of the inspiration you could be to others!"
So, yeah, having Erin take over my training has been a very good thing. :o)
As for other things...here is a note (in italics) I wrote on my phone before my first session with Erin. It puts my feelings into words better then I could convey now, almost a week later.
It's interesting what you learn about yourself when things happen that 1. Are beyond your control and 2. Send your mind and heart reeling in a thousand different directions, all opposite from the direction they were currrently traveling. It's almost as if, the moment this tragedy (for lack of a better word) strikes, you're afforded the opportunity to step away from yourself and watch each reaction and adjustment unfold. Perhaps this is God's intention...as He allows these heart-rending and heart-breaking events into our lives, He is also allowing us to witness our own growth.
So, what have I learned about myself through this thing with Anthony? For starters, I've realized that I'm no longer unhappy by default. Where unhappiness used to be the "norm" for my emotional state, the opposite is true now. My default is now happy and bubbly. Unhappiness has become an unwelcome intruder. I'm not exactly sure when that happened, but it has. And it is SO good. :o)
Another thing I have realized is how very open my heart is. I bought this necklace - the open heart necklace by Jane Seymour from Kay Jewelers - for that reason - I considered it true in theory, but maybe wasn't thinking it was completely true of ME. It has sunk in over the last few days how very true it is of me. I used to pride myself in being someone who was closed and protected. Now, I can see that the doors have opened and the walls have come tumbling down. I have a very open heart now. Granted, it means I also get hurt very easily, but I would much rather love freely and get hurt than never love and miss out on that joy.
I also realized how painful it is when someone you care about cannot see in themselves what you see in them. So many times in the past people have been on that end with me...and I either could not see what they saw, or chose not to see what they saw. I've never been on this end before. Anthony sees himself in a negative light in many ways...he has no clue how inspirational he is, and he has no clue how worthy of happiness he is. It's painful to hear him say things like "I don't deserve it" or "I'm just a screw-up". The kid is a walking miracle, and he's oblivious to how special he is. It hurts me to see it. And now I have a better understanding of how frustrating it was for those in my life who have been in the same position.
Meeting and becoming friends with Anthony was something worth doing. It ended badly, I guess, but during the time I was interacting with him, I was able to show him what true friendship is, what true acceptance is, and how God loves him. What he did with those things...well, that's nothing I can control or be responsible for. I only hope that in some way God touched his heart through me. Being open was my job where Anthony is concerned, and I succeeded in that mission. The outcome is up to Anthony and God. The only thing left for me to do is let go, and move on.
Moving on....I'm going to try YOGA for the first time Friday. :o) Maybe. There's a class at the gym on Fridays. I want that flexibility!! Is there a difference between a fitness mat and a yoga mat? I have a fitness mat... ANYWAY, I'm considering taking the class. We'll see. I might be too much of a scaredy-cat, but hopefully not. :o)
My 7th session (and last to get the 10 free) is Thursday evening. I'm taking a session break for a week. I'll do the yoga class, walk the neighborhood, do some ab work...but I'm feeling the fatigue today. I've been going hard, and need a little break. :o) After that, it's back to business.
I am very optimistic about the next several months. :o) First goal - go below the 200 line! That's less than 30 pounds away! YEAH BABY!
Monday, April 27, 2009
Sorrow & Joy Part 1
So, where were we? (those three words look so much alike!) I'm addicted to food. I had measurements coming up. And SO MUCH has happened since then. Measurements went - surprisingly - well. I'd dropped on a couple key spots, and remained pretty steady on the rest, except maybe one or two. Anthony read the note about food addiction, and was very supportive.
And then, just over a week ago, the bottom fell out.
I had a session with Anthony a week ago last Friday (April 17)...it was a good session, and afterward we talked a bit. I went on home after, and went about my day. The next day we had a session scheduled at 2 pm, and I was thinking about going to church in the evening. Around 8:30 am, I received a text message from Anthony asking if we could move our session to 6 pm because he had something he needed to do. I asked why, and instead of giving me a reason, he told me that if I couldn't, he'd have to cancel. I asked him why he was making plans for something when we had already scheduled this session, and then he told me that going in for my session at 2 for an hour and leaving again was a lousy split of the day...so I asked him if it was that or if he really had something to do. He responded with "Here's what we're going to do. We're going to switch you to another trainer. Next Saturday is probably going to be my last day anyway."...
Words cannot convey the shock and panic and ANGER that descended upon me at that moment.
The rest of the day was more of the same. All his replies to my quesitons (all through text) were cryptic and could be taken several different ways and were never straight answers, and sometimes he just wouldn't answer at all. He said he was going to talk to Erin about taking me on, and would let me know how it went. The session ended up being cancelled btw, as he didn't want to do it at 2, and I wasn't changing the time for him. (He constantly did that to me...I put my foot down this time.) We had had 3 sessions scheduled that week - he cancelled two (one because he was sick.)
I calmed down some after a conversation with Renee, but my mind continued to race and my eyes just would not stay dry for long. Sunday wasn't much better, except that I went to church and got to hang out with Kevin most the day. Anthony didn't respond when I asked him if he'd talked to Erin. He was silent all day.
Monday morning, I woke up determined. I texted him "This situation gets resolved TODAY." And a few other words conveying how fed up I was. My plan was to go in immediately after work, to talk to him and Erin...and figure something out. At noon, I received a text from him: "I'm going in in a bit and talking to my manager. Today will be my last day. I've got bigger and better things to be concerned with." I texted him twice, no answer. I called twice, no answer. I was so confused, and concerned. This was such a radical change from the guy I talked to on Friday after our session. Anger turned to sorrow. It was a physical pain in my heart and stomach...I've not felt sorrow like that in a long, long time.
I went in to the gym immediately after work. Anthony was already gone. Erin was there, though...and she let me cry for a few minutes, and then we scheduled some sessions. 24hour Fitness is running this special - if you complete 20 training sessions between March 1 - April 30, they'll give you 10 free sessions. Considering a package of 10 sessions costs just under $600...this is an AMAZING deal. Because Anthony cancelled on me twice that previous week, I still needed 7 sessions by April 30. And it was already April 20. So Anthony's disappearing not only took my trainer from me, but also put me in jeopardy of losing those extra sessions.
I thank God for Erin's positive attitude. We scheduled every single one of those sessions. 7 sessions in 8 days. 2 back to back, making a 2 hour session just last Friday. But we're doing it. There are 2 more to go. :o) She was just as determined as I am to get those sessions.
I realize now that sticking with Anthony would have been a huge mistake. He's a good trainer for someone without a lot of weight to lose. I wasn't seeing results (not great ones anyway) with him, because he was...I dunno, maybe out of his depth? He knows so much about building muscle, and can get someone into that zone...seriously, you should see my biceps! :o) But he never had me doing core training...never had me doing half the stuff I've done with Erin in just a few sessions...and that's one of the main reasons I'm not further along than I am.
Working with Erin has been GREAT!
And that's where the joy comes in...
There's more to write, but I'm tired and need to get to bed. I'll write more tomorrow. I've learned some key things about myself during this thing....
BTW...I've not heard anything from Anthony since his text at noon last Monday. He just disappeared from my life. Without even saying goodbye...
And then, just over a week ago, the bottom fell out.
I had a session with Anthony a week ago last Friday (April 17)...it was a good session, and afterward we talked a bit. I went on home after, and went about my day. The next day we had a session scheduled at 2 pm, and I was thinking about going to church in the evening. Around 8:30 am, I received a text message from Anthony asking if we could move our session to 6 pm because he had something he needed to do. I asked why, and instead of giving me a reason, he told me that if I couldn't, he'd have to cancel. I asked him why he was making plans for something when we had already scheduled this session, and then he told me that going in for my session at 2 for an hour and leaving again was a lousy split of the day...so I asked him if it was that or if he really had something to do. He responded with "Here's what we're going to do. We're going to switch you to another trainer. Next Saturday is probably going to be my last day anyway."...
Words cannot convey the shock and panic and ANGER that descended upon me at that moment.
The rest of the day was more of the same. All his replies to my quesitons (all through text) were cryptic and could be taken several different ways and were never straight answers, and sometimes he just wouldn't answer at all. He said he was going to talk to Erin about taking me on, and would let me know how it went. The session ended up being cancelled btw, as he didn't want to do it at 2, and I wasn't changing the time for him. (He constantly did that to me...I put my foot down this time.) We had had 3 sessions scheduled that week - he cancelled two (one because he was sick.)
I calmed down some after a conversation with Renee, but my mind continued to race and my eyes just would not stay dry for long. Sunday wasn't much better, except that I went to church and got to hang out with Kevin most the day. Anthony didn't respond when I asked him if he'd talked to Erin. He was silent all day.
Monday morning, I woke up determined. I texted him "This situation gets resolved TODAY." And a few other words conveying how fed up I was. My plan was to go in immediately after work, to talk to him and Erin...and figure something out. At noon, I received a text from him: "I'm going in in a bit and talking to my manager. Today will be my last day. I've got bigger and better things to be concerned with." I texted him twice, no answer. I called twice, no answer. I was so confused, and concerned. This was such a radical change from the guy I talked to on Friday after our session. Anger turned to sorrow. It was a physical pain in my heart and stomach...I've not felt sorrow like that in a long, long time.
I went in to the gym immediately after work. Anthony was already gone. Erin was there, though...and she let me cry for a few minutes, and then we scheduled some sessions. 24hour Fitness is running this special - if you complete 20 training sessions between March 1 - April 30, they'll give you 10 free sessions. Considering a package of 10 sessions costs just under $600...this is an AMAZING deal. Because Anthony cancelled on me twice that previous week, I still needed 7 sessions by April 30. And it was already April 20. So Anthony's disappearing not only took my trainer from me, but also put me in jeopardy of losing those extra sessions.
I thank God for Erin's positive attitude. We scheduled every single one of those sessions. 7 sessions in 8 days. 2 back to back, making a 2 hour session just last Friday. But we're doing it. There are 2 more to go. :o) She was just as determined as I am to get those sessions.
I realize now that sticking with Anthony would have been a huge mistake. He's a good trainer for someone without a lot of weight to lose. I wasn't seeing results (not great ones anyway) with him, because he was...I dunno, maybe out of his depth? He knows so much about building muscle, and can get someone into that zone...seriously, you should see my biceps! :o) But he never had me doing core training...never had me doing half the stuff I've done with Erin in just a few sessions...and that's one of the main reasons I'm not further along than I am.
Working with Erin has been GREAT!
And that's where the joy comes in...
There's more to write, but I'm tired and need to get to bed. I'll write more tomorrow. I've learned some key things about myself during this thing....
BTW...I've not heard anything from Anthony since his text at noon last Monday. He just disappeared from my life. Without even saying goodbye...
Out of the hole...
I posted this on Facebook just over a month ago...forgot to post it here...
So, here I am. Month 4. It's been a while since I've posted, and that's mainly because it's been a rough month or two. My food addiction has become very real over the last couple months. Always before, even in the beginning of this year when starting on the road to health and fitness, I acknowledged the addiction with a chuckle and smile... "It's not as serious as drug addiction, or alcoholism...but yeah, it's an addiction."
But recent weeks have shown me just how serious this addiction is. On Oscar night, I ate a medium pizza. And the Hershey's chocolate dunkers that I got with it. I didn't intend to eat it all. But sitting there, watching Slumdog sweep the Oscars, wondering where George Clooney was, squealing like a teenager to see Edward Cullen sitting behind The Wrestler...I ate a whole medium pizza and almost all those chocolatey dunker things, piece by piece, without even noticing what I was doing. It wasn't until I started feeling nauseous that I looked down and realized what I'd done. A couple days later, after a workout with Anthony, I ate a pint of chocolate peanut-butter ice cream. I didn't intend to eat it all. But before I realized it, while watching a tv show online, my spoon was scraping the bottom of the container. Even the last couple weeks - Cadburry eggs have become my evening snack. Not one. But two. Or three. Or four. I tell myself that La Salsa is healthier than McDonald's so it's okay. That regular soda is better than diet because the artificial sweetners are bad for you, so it's okay to drink a 20-oz bottle of Coke. I even hide stuff...candy bar wrappers, etc...and if that's not a sign of serious addiction, I don't know what is.
I am addicted to food. And I can't go cold turkey - like with drugs or alcohol. The body needs food to survive, duh. It's a serious, life threatening, addiction. I put it to Anthony like this recently...after a good, hard, sweaty workout: I'm getting my focus back. But I know that if I don't succeed in losing this weight this year...I'll end up eating myself to death.
What I meant was this: If I fail this year, I will fail completely. I know myself well enough to know that I'll give up. I'll give in to the wacko-psycho-babble-theories that state "This is just how I'm supposed to be." I will convince myself of that, and will cease to care.
This is why I am working with a trainer...keeping my appointments with Anthony at the very least gives me motivation to eat right. But he can't be with me 24-7. He can't hold me accountable to what I eat on a daily basis. Only I can do that. Only I can take that motivation and put action behind it.
So, what's an addicted girl to do?
Pray hard.
Focus hard.
And face down this monster daily, until I pummel it into the ground for good.
God has already given me everything I need to succeed. He has certain plans for me, plans for which He has clearly shown that I need to be healthy for. I have close to 30 more sessions with Anthony before I re-sign (re-signing is a given, because I'm sticking with him until I reach my goal) and he made a statement about those sessions: "I'm gonna kick your ass." I'm counting on it.
I'm overhauling my eating habits - going to the Eat Clean method. (Thank you, Renee, for recommending it!)
I'm using next Tuesday's measurements as a new starting point, rather than letting them be a disappointing testimony to how badly I've been eating the last month.
I will claw my way out of this hole of addiction, and will fight this monster with every bit of strength I have....and rely on God for the strength I don't have.
And. I. Will. WIN.
So, here I am. Month 4. It's been a while since I've posted, and that's mainly because it's been a rough month or two. My food addiction has become very real over the last couple months. Always before, even in the beginning of this year when starting on the road to health and fitness, I acknowledged the addiction with a chuckle and smile... "It's not as serious as drug addiction, or alcoholism...but yeah, it's an addiction."
But recent weeks have shown me just how serious this addiction is. On Oscar night, I ate a medium pizza. And the Hershey's chocolate dunkers that I got with it. I didn't intend to eat it all. But sitting there, watching Slumdog sweep the Oscars, wondering where George Clooney was, squealing like a teenager to see Edward Cullen sitting behind The Wrestler...I ate a whole medium pizza and almost all those chocolatey dunker things, piece by piece, without even noticing what I was doing. It wasn't until I started feeling nauseous that I looked down and realized what I'd done. A couple days later, after a workout with Anthony, I ate a pint of chocolate peanut-butter ice cream. I didn't intend to eat it all. But before I realized it, while watching a tv show online, my spoon was scraping the bottom of the container. Even the last couple weeks - Cadburry eggs have become my evening snack. Not one. But two. Or three. Or four. I tell myself that La Salsa is healthier than McDonald's so it's okay. That regular soda is better than diet because the artificial sweetners are bad for you, so it's okay to drink a 20-oz bottle of Coke. I even hide stuff...candy bar wrappers, etc...and if that's not a sign of serious addiction, I don't know what is.
I am addicted to food. And I can't go cold turkey - like with drugs or alcohol. The body needs food to survive, duh. It's a serious, life threatening, addiction. I put it to Anthony like this recently...after a good, hard, sweaty workout: I'm getting my focus back. But I know that if I don't succeed in losing this weight this year...I'll end up eating myself to death.
What I meant was this: If I fail this year, I will fail completely. I know myself well enough to know that I'll give up. I'll give in to the wacko-psycho-babble-theories that state "This is just how I'm supposed to be." I will convince myself of that, and will cease to care.
This is why I am working with a trainer...keeping my appointments with Anthony at the very least gives me motivation to eat right. But he can't be with me 24-7. He can't hold me accountable to what I eat on a daily basis. Only I can do that. Only I can take that motivation and put action behind it.
So, what's an addicted girl to do?
Pray hard.
Focus hard.
And face down this monster daily, until I pummel it into the ground for good.
God has already given me everything I need to succeed. He has certain plans for me, plans for which He has clearly shown that I need to be healthy for. I have close to 30 more sessions with Anthony before I re-sign (re-signing is a given, because I'm sticking with him until I reach my goal) and he made a statement about those sessions: "I'm gonna kick your ass." I'm counting on it.
I'm overhauling my eating habits - going to the Eat Clean method. (Thank you, Renee, for recommending it!)
I'm using next Tuesday's measurements as a new starting point, rather than letting them be a disappointing testimony to how badly I've been eating the last month.
I will claw my way out of this hole of addiction, and will fight this monster with every bit of strength I have....and rely on God for the strength I don't have.
And. I. Will. WIN.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Doc Visit, Body Shock, The Whole Program, and Fat Cheeky Birdies
Okay, so Kati is in town. The Fin. And she loves to shop. And run around like a crazy person who's never been to America before. (:o) love you Kati!)
On Friday, my first Friday off thankyouverymuch, she made me SHOP. Well, I should back up a little. First on the agenda that day, I had a doctor's appointment. I felt good about it...she's pushing me to lose weight, and I finally started to do it, so I had a WHOLE bunch of stuff to brag about! :o)
The first thing she says to me is "I can tell you've lost because your face is thinner." High Praise ACCOMPLISHED! My blood pressure is normal, she's pleased that I've not only started working out but changed eating habits completely, and she's also optimistic that I can be off bp meds by the end of the year. She did caution that it could be genetic for me...keeping me on a low dose of one med, but she said "We'll see."
Okay, so back to Kati making me SHOP. We went to Barnes & Noble, sat and read magazines for a bit, then walked to and through the mall, stopping at Bath & Body Works, Payless Shoes, JC Penny, Master Cuts...and then home. In Master Cuts, Kati got some highlights and a haircut, I got a haircut and my eyebrows done. And I suddenly remembered (Although we were SHOPPING, I was having a lot of fun!) I had a session with Anthony at 6 pm. It was already past 4 pm. I called him to reschedule, and in typical Anthony fashion he (jokingly) gave me a hard time about it. We rescheduled for Saturday 2 pm, then talked for a little bit, he sympathized with my having to SHOP, but told me I'd have to buy smaller clothes (awww), and then it was my turn in the chair.
Saturday morning dawned sunny and warm. The Rio Carnival Buffet was on the agenda. Kevin, Kati and I went, we saw prices, we debated going somewhere else, Kati made the final decision. We stayed. It was a champagne brunch, meaning unlimited champagne with your unlimited food. I was SO GOOD at the buffet. I didn't pig out, I didn't get bad stuff, I ate healthy and kept portions under control. I had two sips of champagne, and decided ewwww. And for desert, I opted for the sugar free chocolate gelato instead of the regular.
We left the buffet, Kati and I used the restroom, and then she wanted pictures playing a slot machine. (soooo touristy). And then I started to feel nauseous. Not just a "ooo, I could probably throw up if I tried" nauseous, but a "I am DEFINITELY going to throw up, and must get to a toilet NOW" kind of nauseous. I told Kevin & Kati, ran back to the bathroom, and up came the gelato. Nothing else. Just the gelato. We all think that my body has decided to reject unhealthy, and warn me if I'm getting off track. That the couple things of french fries and less then healthy things I'd consumed over the last few days (to which I'd always tell Kevin and Kati "Don't tell Anthony!") were enough to shock my body into throwing something back up in an effort to defend it's new lifestyle. Well...maybe. That's what I'm choosing to believe anyway. :o)
So, they took me home, and I relaxed until it was time for the gym. I got there a half hour early, and decided to warm up on the treadmill to see how the stomach would react to the activity. At first it was hard going...I was nauseous again (the "I could if I tried" kind this go round), but pushing through it. Anthony came over to me, stood in front of the treadmill, looked at me and said "You're doing the whole program now, you know that?"
I didn't. I said "Huh?" He replied, "I was going to start asking you to come in early to do 10 minutes on the treadmill and 10 minutes on the bike before starting our sessions. And you went and did it on your own. That's really good, Dawn."
:o) Thanks Boss! I told him about the buffet and throwing up, and he offered to basically give me a free session - he'd follow me around as I did light stuff for the day instead of pushing it. I refused (stupid of me I know), and said "Let's go for it." So, he followed me to the bike, sat on the one next to me, and kept me company while I did 10 minutes.
Our session was hard. He had to push me on tricep exercises, but he also kept making me laugh in between sets, perhaps more than usual, to keep making sure I was okay. He also had to help a couple times. But he also said that I'm failing exactly where he's expecting me to fail, and that's pretty awesome. My right arm is way stronger than my left. Where I needed help with the left tricep, I didn't need any with my right.
After the session, I showed him a picture of Kati, and a picture of Kevin - our only way of introducing them since they couldn't get to the gym without losing a good chunk of their day. And I took a couple pictures of him to show them. I made him laugh the first one, and he made me take another one, and told me to delete the laughing one. I didn't, but won't share it with y'all. :o) Then he insisted on one of us together. I look tired and sweaty. He looks like he's going to come out of the picture and get you. Wonderful photo!
OH! And those fat cheeky birdies. There are a group of little birds that hang out at Starbucks at the Fashion Show Mall - where I stop sometimes in the morning before heading across the street to work. They are SO CUTE. I just had to mention them. That's all. :o)
Next session Tuesday. I'll continue visiting the Wellness Center at work in the mornings. And maybe after work as well, when I don't go to the gym. We'll see how that goes.
Have a wonderful week everyone! :o)
On Friday, my first Friday off thankyouverymuch, she made me SHOP. Well, I should back up a little. First on the agenda that day, I had a doctor's appointment. I felt good about it...she's pushing me to lose weight, and I finally started to do it, so I had a WHOLE bunch of stuff to brag about! :o)
The first thing she says to me is "I can tell you've lost because your face is thinner." High Praise ACCOMPLISHED! My blood pressure is normal, she's pleased that I've not only started working out but changed eating habits completely, and she's also optimistic that I can be off bp meds by the end of the year. She did caution that it could be genetic for me...keeping me on a low dose of one med, but she said "We'll see."
Okay, so back to Kati making me SHOP. We went to Barnes & Noble, sat and read magazines for a bit, then walked to and through the mall, stopping at Bath & Body Works, Payless Shoes, JC Penny, Master Cuts...and then home. In Master Cuts, Kati got some highlights and a haircut, I got a haircut and my eyebrows done. And I suddenly remembered (Although we were SHOPPING, I was having a lot of fun!) I had a session with Anthony at 6 pm. It was already past 4 pm. I called him to reschedule, and in typical Anthony fashion he (jokingly) gave me a hard time about it. We rescheduled for Saturday 2 pm, then talked for a little bit, he sympathized with my having to SHOP, but told me I'd have to buy smaller clothes (awww), and then it was my turn in the chair.
Saturday morning dawned sunny and warm. The Rio Carnival Buffet was on the agenda. Kevin, Kati and I went, we saw prices, we debated going somewhere else, Kati made the final decision. We stayed. It was a champagne brunch, meaning unlimited champagne with your unlimited food. I was SO GOOD at the buffet. I didn't pig out, I didn't get bad stuff, I ate healthy and kept portions under control. I had two sips of champagne, and decided ewwww. And for desert, I opted for the sugar free chocolate gelato instead of the regular.
We left the buffet, Kati and I used the restroom, and then she wanted pictures playing a slot machine. (soooo touristy). And then I started to feel nauseous. Not just a "ooo, I could probably throw up if I tried" nauseous, but a "I am DEFINITELY going to throw up, and must get to a toilet NOW" kind of nauseous. I told Kevin & Kati, ran back to the bathroom, and up came the gelato. Nothing else. Just the gelato. We all think that my body has decided to reject unhealthy, and warn me if I'm getting off track. That the couple things of french fries and less then healthy things I'd consumed over the last few days (to which I'd always tell Kevin and Kati "Don't tell Anthony!") were enough to shock my body into throwing something back up in an effort to defend it's new lifestyle. Well...maybe. That's what I'm choosing to believe anyway. :o)
So, they took me home, and I relaxed until it was time for the gym. I got there a half hour early, and decided to warm up on the treadmill to see how the stomach would react to the activity. At first it was hard going...I was nauseous again (the "I could if I tried" kind this go round), but pushing through it. Anthony came over to me, stood in front of the treadmill, looked at me and said "You're doing the whole program now, you know that?"
I didn't. I said "Huh?" He replied, "I was going to start asking you to come in early to do 10 minutes on the treadmill and 10 minutes on the bike before starting our sessions. And you went and did it on your own. That's really good, Dawn."
:o) Thanks Boss! I told him about the buffet and throwing up, and he offered to basically give me a free session - he'd follow me around as I did light stuff for the day instead of pushing it. I refused (stupid of me I know), and said "Let's go for it." So, he followed me to the bike, sat on the one next to me, and kept me company while I did 10 minutes.
Our session was hard. He had to push me on tricep exercises, but he also kept making me laugh in between sets, perhaps more than usual, to keep making sure I was okay. He also had to help a couple times. But he also said that I'm failing exactly where he's expecting me to fail, and that's pretty awesome. My right arm is way stronger than my left. Where I needed help with the left tricep, I didn't need any with my right.
After the session, I showed him a picture of Kati, and a picture of Kevin - our only way of introducing them since they couldn't get to the gym without losing a good chunk of their day. And I took a couple pictures of him to show them. I made him laugh the first one, and he made me take another one, and told me to delete the laughing one. I didn't, but won't share it with y'all. :o) Then he insisted on one of us together. I look tired and sweaty. He looks like he's going to come out of the picture and get you. Wonderful photo!
OH! And those fat cheeky birdies. There are a group of little birds that hang out at Starbucks at the Fashion Show Mall - where I stop sometimes in the morning before heading across the street to work. They are SO CUTE. I just had to mention them. That's all. :o)
Next session Tuesday. I'll continue visiting the Wellness Center at work in the mornings. And maybe after work as well, when I don't go to the gym. We'll see how that goes.
Have a wonderful week everyone! :o)
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Progress & Disappointment - First Measurement
We did measurements on Tuesday. It was the first time since the first session. About a month has gone by, and there has been "progress made" as Anthony put it. He was pleased. I felt a mixture of satisfaction and disappointment.
So, I lost about 11 pounds, give or take a couple. By my scale, I've lost almost 15, but my weight fluxuates so much from day to day it's really hard to tell. We didn't use the scale at the gym, because Anthony doesn't trust "a scale that 100's of people get on every day." He's right...the calibration is probably way off on that sucker. So we're going by my scale.So I've obviously lost fat mass and body weight.
I've lost about 3 inches from my upper arm and waist. I've lost an inch from my forearm and calf. I've lost an inch or two from my thigh (can't remember which), and gained an inch on my hip - Anthony says that's normal because of all the walking and bike riding I've been doing. My neck and chest stayed the same, which is weird (even he says so).
I'm a little disappointed. Probably shouldn't be, but am. I guess it's because I've done such a complete change from a month ago...my eating habits and exercise habits...even other ways, like mentally and spiritually. All changes for the better...I just expected a more marked change in those measurements. I have to keep reminding myself that inches aren't pounds...that I can't expect big numbers when we're talking about small units of measurement like that...if I lost 5 inches from my upper arm, for instance, I'd look very strange indeed.
Progress has been made. :o) And I'm definitely not quitting. So, progress will continue to be made. Anthony wants me to start doing cardio once or twice a day, since I have access to equipment at work. I've gone into our Wellness Center and ridden the bike two mornings this week. 10 miles each time, which is about 25-28 minutes. I've worked 8 days straignt though, so didn't get in there today.
By stepping up the cardio, and by my really pushing the water intake (a gallon a day, dude...still can't believe that), progress will continue. And Anthony is going to start stepping things up at the gym too...he's putting me on the treadmill with a 4.0 incline and the speed just short of making me jog (meany) and he's starting me on super sets. (I think that's it...two different muscle groups back to back with no resting between.)
So, until next time...lata!
So, I lost about 11 pounds, give or take a couple. By my scale, I've lost almost 15, but my weight fluxuates so much from day to day it's really hard to tell. We didn't use the scale at the gym, because Anthony doesn't trust "a scale that 100's of people get on every day." He's right...the calibration is probably way off on that sucker. So we're going by my scale.So I've obviously lost fat mass and body weight.
I've lost about 3 inches from my upper arm and waist. I've lost an inch from my forearm and calf. I've lost an inch or two from my thigh (can't remember which), and gained an inch on my hip - Anthony says that's normal because of all the walking and bike riding I've been doing. My neck and chest stayed the same, which is weird (even he says so).
I'm a little disappointed. Probably shouldn't be, but am. I guess it's because I've done such a complete change from a month ago...my eating habits and exercise habits...even other ways, like mentally and spiritually. All changes for the better...I just expected a more marked change in those measurements. I have to keep reminding myself that inches aren't pounds...that I can't expect big numbers when we're talking about small units of measurement like that...if I lost 5 inches from my upper arm, for instance, I'd look very strange indeed.
Progress has been made. :o) And I'm definitely not quitting. So, progress will continue to be made. Anthony wants me to start doing cardio once or twice a day, since I have access to equipment at work. I've gone into our Wellness Center and ridden the bike two mornings this week. 10 miles each time, which is about 25-28 minutes. I've worked 8 days straignt though, so didn't get in there today.
By stepping up the cardio, and by my really pushing the water intake (a gallon a day, dude...still can't believe that), progress will continue. And Anthony is going to start stepping things up at the gym too...he's putting me on the treadmill with a 4.0 incline and the speed just short of making me jog (meany) and he's starting me on super sets. (I think that's it...two different muscle groups back to back with no resting between.)
So, until next time...lata!
Monday, January 12, 2009
Harsh Words
I'm tired today. I mean...dead tired. Dragging the ground tired. I haven't worked out since Thursday, and even though my job is a physically demanding one...I still feel the guilt. I'm eating okay...not going crazy with Panda Express or Raising Cane's or even junk in general. I've had a bit of chocolate the last week, but other than that, I'm really not getting enough to eat, to be honest.
When I'm this tired, I get emotional. Working 7 am - 3 pm today was a blessing, but it was still a hard day. I was dragging by 1 pm, barely even getting done by 3. And my request for tomorrow (Tuesday) off was denied, so I'm going to be working 8 days straight.
So yeah, being a little bit emotional isn't good when you're in public.
And this is where the harsh words come in. I noticed a woman on the bus today ... WAY overweight. The term morbidly obsese describes me in clinical terms, but there's gotta be another level of obesity to describe her. She walks with a cane. She takes short breaths through her mouth. And she was testy...a little on the mean side. I noticed her, and then couldn't keep from looking at her several times until she got off the bus.
And I started crying.
Not because I felt sorry for her, or felt compassion for her. But because I'm desperate to not become her. It was like looking in a mirror with a plaque labeling the reflection: "This is you in 5 years if you slack off."
And then, two wheelchairs came on, and I had to stand again. Right behind the second wheelchair, at the same stop, two women and a boy came on. The boy is heavyset, the older woman is overweight, and the younger woman ... bigger than the one who just got off the bus. She might not even have been 20 years old. She stood next to me at the back door of the bus, all three of them actually. And people had to ask them to move to get off the bus.
Then one of the wheelchairs left, and the boy ran to the seats and put them down before the lady was even off the ramp. He took one facing front, the older woman took another facing side, and the biggest girl took up two seats next to the older woman. I watched this, looked up at her, and she was staring at me. The expression on her face was "So? You're fat too."
I got home, exhausted and sore (from work, not from working out), made a salad, and watched the latest episode of Brothers & Sisters online. The ads between segments of the show were for some asthma medication. The two women that were talking the drug up were - you guessed it - overweight.
I wanted to scream at them: "You can't BREATHE because you're FAT. LOSE it and maybe the asthma will go away!"
I'm disgusted. Mostly with myself for letting it get this far in my life and body. But I'm also disgusted with people who think being overweight is just fine. I used to be one of those people who said "I'm overweight, but other than that I'm really healthy." But I've come to learn over the last couple months that being overweight is NOT healthy, nor has it EVER been, nor will it EVER BE.
The damage to internal organs alone is enought to show that, but what about all the other things? Diabetes, inablility to move freely without aid, heart problems...so many things. Not to mention the emotional / mental things.
I'm sick of being fat. I'm sick of seeing fat people everywhere. And I really don't know what else to write, so perhaps I should just leave it at that.
When I'm this tired, I get emotional. Working 7 am - 3 pm today was a blessing, but it was still a hard day. I was dragging by 1 pm, barely even getting done by 3. And my request for tomorrow (Tuesday) off was denied, so I'm going to be working 8 days straight.
So yeah, being a little bit emotional isn't good when you're in public.
And this is where the harsh words come in. I noticed a woman on the bus today ... WAY overweight. The term morbidly obsese describes me in clinical terms, but there's gotta be another level of obesity to describe her. She walks with a cane. She takes short breaths through her mouth. And she was testy...a little on the mean side. I noticed her, and then couldn't keep from looking at her several times until she got off the bus.
And I started crying.
Not because I felt sorry for her, or felt compassion for her. But because I'm desperate to not become her. It was like looking in a mirror with a plaque labeling the reflection: "This is you in 5 years if you slack off."
And then, two wheelchairs came on, and I had to stand again. Right behind the second wheelchair, at the same stop, two women and a boy came on. The boy is heavyset, the older woman is overweight, and the younger woman ... bigger than the one who just got off the bus. She might not even have been 20 years old. She stood next to me at the back door of the bus, all three of them actually. And people had to ask them to move to get off the bus.
Then one of the wheelchairs left, and the boy ran to the seats and put them down before the lady was even off the ramp. He took one facing front, the older woman took another facing side, and the biggest girl took up two seats next to the older woman. I watched this, looked up at her, and she was staring at me. The expression on her face was "So? You're fat too."
I got home, exhausted and sore (from work, not from working out), made a salad, and watched the latest episode of Brothers & Sisters online. The ads between segments of the show were for some asthma medication. The two women that were talking the drug up were - you guessed it - overweight.
I wanted to scream at them: "You can't BREATHE because you're FAT. LOSE it and maybe the asthma will go away!"
I'm disgusted. Mostly with myself for letting it get this far in my life and body. But I'm also disgusted with people who think being overweight is just fine. I used to be one of those people who said "I'm overweight, but other than that I'm really healthy." But I've come to learn over the last couple months that being overweight is NOT healthy, nor has it EVER been, nor will it EVER BE.
The damage to internal organs alone is enought to show that, but what about all the other things? Diabetes, inablility to move freely without aid, heart problems...so many things. Not to mention the emotional / mental things.
I'm sick of being fat. I'm sick of seeing fat people everywhere. And I really don't know what else to write, so perhaps I should just leave it at that.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Soreness Bliss and Hello Love
It's been a while since I blogged about this year long "get healthy" adventure. Don't worry, I'm as jazzed about it all as ever. I even have a doctor's appointment on Friday to talk to her and get her on board. I'm sure she'll be excited.
Anthony keeps telling me that the reason we do legs every single session is because it's a large muscle group, and it needs the attention. Well, attention they GOT. Yesterday, I did another form of sqats, with a Smith machine, (google or youtube smith machine squats - no joke), and today, I hurt. (I call it bliss because I love this feeling. It means I'm FNALLY DOING SOMETHING!) We also did leg extentions. And the row machine. There was another one we wanted to do, for hamstrings, but some young kid was hogging the machine. Anthony called it a sacrifice, and I made my face do the necessary grim expression, while inside I was jumping for joy! Inside. All inside. Because by this point, I could barely walk. I'm still eating well, although still not getting enough calories.
We're doing measurements Tuesday, and I'm a little nervous. I can feel / see differences. When I put my face/chin in my hand, I can feel my jaw and cheek bones. And I do that often, because it feels so COOL. :o) My calves seem slimmer. Even my forearms seem slimmer. I'm a little bit more flexible. My stomach seems a little smaller, and according to my scale, I've lost 10 pounds. Yet, I'm still nervous. I would rather wait a couple months. My trainer says, "Don't worry. They've changed. I KNOW they've changed." I guess it's his job to be sure of such things.
He gave me this paper explaining carbs, protein, fat, and water, and what each does and how each is important. He gives it to me, and says "I highlighted the important parts" - with a grin - and I look at the paper and it's basically all yellow. I laughed at him, he laughed at himself, and this is an example of the kind of trainer/trainee relationship we have. (later that evening, I said "Yes Boss" to some direction and then said "Well, technically, I'm the boss since I'm paying you." He thought a minute. Then said, "Shut up.") :o) He's SO MUCH FUN!
Anyway, Did you know that protein helps regulate water balance in the body? And according to that paper, I should be drinking a GALLON of water a day. Sheesh. No wonder I'm always so dehydrated. But a gallon? That's a LOT of water. It's a GALLON. That's a LOT of water!
And I bought this book called Nutrition Almanac. I've not gotten far into it...the first chapter only. But the first section of that chapter walks you through digestion. I'd forgotten most of it. Like - I'd completely forgotten how important the liver is - and felt compelled to apologize to my liver for treating it so badly. And while reading that, I was newly fascinated at the human body, and stopped several times to say out loud to no one - "How can anyone think humans are just some cosmic accident???"
It is SO amazing how the body just knows what to do. Digestion happens without a thought from us beyond swallowing. All the right nutrients go to the right places, in the right way...OH, and did you know that the three energy-yeilding nutrients always leave the stomach in the SAME order? Carbohydrates first, proteins second, then fats, which take the longest to break down. AMAZING.
And the best part of all this stuff that's happened with working out and learning about nutrition...was the talk Anthony and I had yesterday after our session. He told me his story - his testimony if you will - and although I can't give you any details, suffice it to say, God did an incredible work in his life, and I am super inspired by it. He's becoming a great friend as well as being a great trainer. And the more he and I talk, the more I'm convinced that God picked Anthony to be my trainer way back when that kid started going to that very gym 12 years ago at 15 years old. We both had to make a lot of different choices to come to this point, and I'm very thankful that we both let God get ahold of us.
One more thing, then it's off to the bed and watching an episode of Leverage online while I fall asleep. (And who the heck cares if it's only 8 pm?)(Shush.) I got Chris Tomlin's new album - Hello Love - on iTunes a couple weeks ago, and finally listened to it on the way home from the gym last night. This album - in it's ENTIRETY - is simply incredible. Every. Single. Song. Been listening to it over and over again. (I made three roundtrip bus trips between home and work today - don't ask.) Get it. You won't be disappointed.
So, after a long blog...good night friends. Sleep well, and have a most wondermous weekend! :o)
Love,
Dawn
Anthony keeps telling me that the reason we do legs every single session is because it's a large muscle group, and it needs the attention. Well, attention they GOT. Yesterday, I did another form of sqats, with a Smith machine, (google or youtube smith machine squats - no joke), and today, I hurt. (I call it bliss because I love this feeling. It means I'm FNALLY DOING SOMETHING!) We also did leg extentions. And the row machine. There was another one we wanted to do, for hamstrings, but some young kid was hogging the machine. Anthony called it a sacrifice, and I made my face do the necessary grim expression, while inside I was jumping for joy! Inside. All inside. Because by this point, I could barely walk. I'm still eating well, although still not getting enough calories.
We're doing measurements Tuesday, and I'm a little nervous. I can feel / see differences. When I put my face/chin in my hand, I can feel my jaw and cheek bones. And I do that often, because it feels so COOL. :o) My calves seem slimmer. Even my forearms seem slimmer. I'm a little bit more flexible. My stomach seems a little smaller, and according to my scale, I've lost 10 pounds. Yet, I'm still nervous. I would rather wait a couple months. My trainer says, "Don't worry. They've changed. I KNOW they've changed." I guess it's his job to be sure of such things.
He gave me this paper explaining carbs, protein, fat, and water, and what each does and how each is important. He gives it to me, and says "I highlighted the important parts" - with a grin - and I look at the paper and it's basically all yellow. I laughed at him, he laughed at himself, and this is an example of the kind of trainer/trainee relationship we have. (later that evening, I said "Yes Boss" to some direction and then said "Well, technically, I'm the boss since I'm paying you." He thought a minute. Then said, "Shut up.") :o) He's SO MUCH FUN!
Anyway, Did you know that protein helps regulate water balance in the body? And according to that paper, I should be drinking a GALLON of water a day. Sheesh. No wonder I'm always so dehydrated. But a gallon? That's a LOT of water. It's a GALLON. That's a LOT of water!
And I bought this book called Nutrition Almanac. I've not gotten far into it...the first chapter only. But the first section of that chapter walks you through digestion. I'd forgotten most of it. Like - I'd completely forgotten how important the liver is - and felt compelled to apologize to my liver for treating it so badly. And while reading that, I was newly fascinated at the human body, and stopped several times to say out loud to no one - "How can anyone think humans are just some cosmic accident???"
It is SO amazing how the body just knows what to do. Digestion happens without a thought from us beyond swallowing. All the right nutrients go to the right places, in the right way...OH, and did you know that the three energy-yeilding nutrients always leave the stomach in the SAME order? Carbohydrates first, proteins second, then fats, which take the longest to break down. AMAZING.
And the best part of all this stuff that's happened with working out and learning about nutrition...was the talk Anthony and I had yesterday after our session. He told me his story - his testimony if you will - and although I can't give you any details, suffice it to say, God did an incredible work in his life, and I am super inspired by it. He's becoming a great friend as well as being a great trainer. And the more he and I talk, the more I'm convinced that God picked Anthony to be my trainer way back when that kid started going to that very gym 12 years ago at 15 years old. We both had to make a lot of different choices to come to this point, and I'm very thankful that we both let God get ahold of us.
One more thing, then it's off to the bed and watching an episode of Leverage online while I fall asleep. (And who the heck cares if it's only 8 pm?)(Shush.) I got Chris Tomlin's new album - Hello Love - on iTunes a couple weeks ago, and finally listened to it on the way home from the gym last night. This album - in it's ENTIRETY - is simply incredible. Every. Single. Song. Been listening to it over and over again. (I made three roundtrip bus trips between home and work today - don't ask.) Get it. You won't be disappointed.
So, after a long blog...good night friends. Sleep well, and have a most wondermous weekend! :o)
Love,
Dawn
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Goodbye, 2008
2008. I won't miss it. I learned so much. I enjoyed so much. I strived so much. I loved so much. I laughed so much. I cried so much.
But ... 2009? Oh my ... in 2009 - I will learn, even more. I will enjoy, even more. I will strive, even more. I will love, even more. I will laugh, even more. And I will cry, even more.
Life is meant to be lived, abundantly. Love is meant to be given, freely. Laughter is meant to be shared, unsparingly. Tears are meant to be shed, unashamedly.
I am determined. I am focused. I am at peace. I am content. And I am happy.
And God is the Center of it all.
:o)
Love you all.
Happy New Year!
But ... 2009? Oh my ... in 2009 - I will learn, even more. I will enjoy, even more. I will strive, even more. I will love, even more. I will laugh, even more. And I will cry, even more.
Life is meant to be lived, abundantly. Love is meant to be given, freely. Laughter is meant to be shared, unsparingly. Tears are meant to be shed, unashamedly.
I am determined. I am focused. I am at peace. I am content. And I am happy.
And God is the Center of it all.
:o)
Love you all.
Happy New Year!
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