I'm a David

I listened to a sermon yesterday. It was a podcast from Riverview Church in Perth, Australia. A series called "God Stories". This particular sermon was about one story but three people. It was the story of Samuel, Jesse (David's father), and David.

Samuel represents people who had big dreams and plans, but something has gotten in the way of those things. Jesse represents a parent who wants the best for his kids, but isn't sure how to go about getting it. (Kinda...I didn't pay much attention to the Jesse part, since I don't have kids.) David represents the one who has been called to something special, but years later still has yet to see it come to fruition.

I'm a David. And I can sum it up in one word: Morocco.

I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am called to be a part of Morocco. In some way. In some shape. In some form. That call came in April 2004. It's been six years, and a couple of months, and here I am, still in Vegas. All my attempts to "get there" have failed. I have even had to lay Morocco completely aside, and let the dream die so to speak, because it had become such a burden - the not getting there.

The pastor from Riverview brought up a very interesting point ... one I'm positive God wanted me to hear ... David was anointed to be the King of Israel when he was a kid. He didn't become King of Israel until 14 years later.

14 years passed between the anointing and the actual Kingship.

14 years.

All those years between were years of preparation. How I've come to loathe that word. But the pastor made one statement that hit me between the eyes: "God says, 'Just because I have revealed a future to you, doesn't mean I have finished with your heart.'"

I've grown weary in the "preparation". Yet I see that I have not been diligent in the preparation. So what I've grown weary in is actually ... well ... me. I've gotten sick of my own shortcomings, and in some ways, have given up.

God won't reveal to me all the ways He will be preparing me for Morocco - or even what the fruition will look like. He has, however, given me a few specific things that I - Dawn Marie Matusz - must take care of before He will release me to it. And I've not taken care of them.

There will be no pledge. There will be no proclamation. There will be no promise. There will be simply this: One day at a time, I will seek His face, and His help, and most of all, His love. He has revealed a future to me. I will let Him work on my heart.

The Ice Pack Hissed at Me

Pain is the essence of my existence today. From mid-back to hamstrings...basically the back half of my body... is one wall of pain. I had a really good couple of weeks, then took a day off - and whammooo - pain sets in. I guess the lesson in this is: KEEP GOING.

We're working 6 days a week at the Palazzo, but with my back healing and being in therapy, I give it a rest every couple of weeks and give it two days off, thanks to FMLA. Sometimes, one extra day is enough. Sometimes, it's not. This time, I ended up with three.

Went to work in loads of pain today, and worked that way, very slowly, until 1 pm. My floor manager then sent me home because there were no more rooms for me to do. I didn't have to use FMLA (which has been a complete GOD-send since starting therapy), but by the time I got home, I was near tears from pain. Iced, then fixed dinner, than relaxed. Just finished icing again.

I will not be going in tomorrow. And you know? It really pisses me off. I understand that my spine is changing, hence the tendons and ligaments and muscles are changing, and that's the reason for the pain, but still...I'm so ready for this to be done. I guess this is when it's toughest - been in therapy long enough to see great results but get frustrated with pain, and wondering if it's ever going to end.

**sigh** It will end. One morning soon, I'll wake up and feel nothing. And all day long, I'll feel nothing. And I'll come home from work that day, and feel nothing. The ice packs will stay in the freezer. The ibuprofen will stay in the bottle. And I'll go to bed, feeling nothing. And the next morning, I'll wake up and feel nothing. And that will be the start of pain free days. That will be the start of freedom. Soon. Please God make it so.

Because seriously, my ice packs are so giving out! I've known one of them had a hole for several days now...my back is always wet when I remove the ice packs. I just didn't know which one, until today. I leaned back, and the darn thing HISSED at me! AHA! I caught it! It's now in the trash. Stupid ice pack.

Here's a couple pictures from the day. Dinner, Ruppert, and my pretty new tv - still in the box.

I had steamed green beans, crab cakes, and decaf vanilla hazelnut (I think) coffee. :o)

Ruppert is getting SOOOO big. Since being transplanted to a larger pot, and moving to a new home, he has sprouted so many new shoots and leaves, and has even more coming up. He's gonna need a bigger pot, soon. Really soon. :o)

Upside down - it's a Samsung 40 inch something or other. :o) Getting it through PurchasingPower - payroll deduction a little every paycheck. Someday, I'll have a stand for it and be able to take it out the box!!

Switches, Drips, Flushes & Faith

When you have come to the edge of all light that you know, and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. ~ Patrick Overton

I have to admit, the past couple of weeks I've been in a funk. It's most likely one of the reasons my back has been bugging me so badly, too. Mental stress manifesting physically, yada yada yada.

I've been opening the Bible more lately - and by more I mean a few times in the last week - way more than before - desperate for God. I miss Him. I've been riveted by the Psalms - mainly because of two particular verses I saw quoted in a book last week. (book title shown at bottom of blog)

"Point out the road I must travel, I'm all ears, all eyes before you. Teach me how to live to please you, because you're my God." Psalm 143:8, 10 (MSG)

And this - part of the dialogue in the book -

"So, if I love God, and I mean really love God with abandon, then I must come to love myself, my life. I need to love my story on a heart level. A story being written by God, the Author and Finisher of our faith. When I start to love my story, with all its messed up twists and turns, then I can love other people who are living out their own stories with all their messed up twists and turns."

And this - another portion of dialogue -

"If I'm going to go around saying that I love God, then I have to trust him and believe that everything in my life first passed through his fingers. Nothing happens outside of his control."

All that combined kind of knocked me upside the head. Did I dare say I really loved God? Because I couldn't say I love my life story, especially not on a heart level. On a heart level, my life story disgusts me. And if that's the case, and if everything in my life has passed through God's fingers...then in a roundabout way - God disgusts me for allowing those things into my life. And when I came to that realization, I felt myself falling off a cliff. Without a hope of landing on something solid - and even less chance of being taught to fly.

I was on my way to therapy. And all I could think was, "Do You really want to do this NOW, God?" I was angry. Livid. Beyond furious. And because He loves me, He let up. It's only now, as I'm typing this blog, that I realize how sufficient His grace has been the last few days - He allowed me to get through the stress of packing up, moving out, moving in, making a major life change, and only now is He revisiting this huge ugly THING between us.

Paul the Apostle said that in order to focus forward, he had to forget what was behind. I can't reconcile that with "loving my life story on a heart level." I know that the two don't have to contradict, and probably shouldn't even come close to contradicting...but I cannot figure out how to do both. One, or the other, maybe. But both at the same time? God help me.

And that is all it takes - three words - "God help me". There's the solid ground I had no hope of landing on last week. Maybe someday soon, He'll teach me to fly.

As for everything else: my AC and oven weren't working because the breaker switches were off (cute maintanence guy was very sweet and didn't call me dumb when he flipped them on), the bathroom ceiling above my shower is dripping from the shower in the apartment above, and my toilet doesn't like to flush. (After vigorous plunging with a pretty new plunger, it finally obeyed.)



This is the book that affected me so deeply - so much so that I'm gonna write a note to the author.