Harsh Words

I'm tired today. I mean...dead tired. Dragging the ground tired. I haven't worked out since Thursday, and even though my job is a physically demanding one...I still feel the guilt. I'm eating okay...not going crazy with Panda Express or Raising Cane's or even junk in general. I've had a bit of chocolate the last week, but other than that, I'm really not getting enough to eat, to be honest.

When I'm this tired, I get emotional. Working 7 am - 3 pm today was a blessing, but it was still a hard day. I was dragging by 1 pm, barely even getting done by 3. And my request for tomorrow (Tuesday) off was denied, so I'm going to be working 8 days straight.

So yeah, being a little bit emotional isn't good when you're in public.

And this is where the harsh words come in. I noticed a woman on the bus today ... WAY overweight. The term morbidly obsese describes me in clinical terms, but there's gotta be another level of obesity to describe her. She walks with a cane. She takes short breaths through her mouth. And she was testy...a little on the mean side. I noticed her, and then couldn't keep from looking at her several times until she got off the bus.

And I started crying.

Not because I felt sorry for her, or felt compassion for her. But because I'm desperate to not become her. It was like looking in a mirror with a plaque labeling the reflection: "This is you in 5 years if you slack off."

And then, two wheelchairs came on, and I had to stand again. Right behind the second wheelchair, at the same stop, two women and a boy came on. The boy is heavyset, the older woman is overweight, and the younger woman ... bigger than the one who just got off the bus. She might not even have been 20 years old. She stood next to me at the back door of the bus, all three of them actually. And people had to ask them to move to get off the bus.

Then one of the wheelchairs left, and the boy ran to the seats and put them down before the lady was even off the ramp. He took one facing front, the older woman took another facing side, and the biggest girl took up two seats next to the older woman. I watched this, looked up at her, and she was staring at me. The expression on her face was "So? You're fat too."

I got home, exhausted and sore (from work, not from working out), made a salad, and watched the latest episode of Brothers & Sisters online. The ads between segments of the show were for some asthma medication. The two women that were talking the drug up were - you guessed it - overweight.

I wanted to scream at them: "You can't BREATHE because you're FAT. LOSE it and maybe the asthma will go away!"

I'm disgusted. Mostly with myself for letting it get this far in my life and body. But I'm also disgusted with people who think being overweight is just fine. I used to be one of those people who said "I'm overweight, but other than that I'm really healthy." But I've come to learn over the last couple months that being overweight is NOT healthy, nor has it EVER been, nor will it EVER BE.

The damage to internal organs alone is enought to show that, but what about all the other things? Diabetes, inablility to move freely without aid, heart problems...so many things. Not to mention the emotional / mental things.

I'm sick of being fat. I'm sick of seeing fat people everywhere. And I really don't know what else to write, so perhaps I should just leave it at that.