Out of the hole...

I posted this on Facebook just over a month ago...forgot to post it here...

So, here I am. Month 4. It's been a while since I've posted, and that's mainly because it's been a rough month or two. My food addiction has become very real over the last couple months. Always before, even in the beginning of this year when starting on the road to health and fitness, I acknowledged the addiction with a chuckle and smile... "It's not as serious as drug addiction, or alcoholism...but yeah, it's an addiction."

But recent weeks have shown me just how serious this addiction is. On Oscar night, I ate a medium pizza. And the Hershey's chocolate dunkers that I got with it. I didn't intend to eat it all. But sitting there, watching Slumdog sweep the Oscars, wondering where George Clooney was, squealing like a teenager to see Edward Cullen sitting behind The Wrestler...I ate a whole medium pizza and almost all those chocolatey dunker things, piece by piece, without even noticing what I was doing. It wasn't until I started feeling nauseous that I looked down and realized what I'd done. A couple days later, after a workout with Anthony, I ate a pint of chocolate peanut-butter ice cream. I didn't intend to eat it all. But before I realized it, while watching a tv show online, my spoon was scraping the bottom of the container. Even the last couple weeks - Cadburry eggs have become my evening snack. Not one. But two. Or three. Or four. I tell myself that La Salsa is healthier than McDonald's so it's okay. That regular soda is better than diet because the artificial sweetners are bad for you, so it's okay to drink a 20-oz bottle of Coke. I even hide stuff...candy bar wrappers, etc...and if that's not a sign of serious addiction, I don't know what is.

I am addicted to food. And I can't go cold turkey - like with drugs or alcohol. The body needs food to survive, duh. It's a serious, life threatening, addiction. I put it to Anthony like this recently...after a good, hard, sweaty workout: I'm getting my focus back. But I know that if I don't succeed in losing this weight this year...I'll end up eating myself to death.

What I meant was this: If I fail this year, I will fail completely. I know myself well enough to know that I'll give up. I'll give in to the wacko-psycho-babble-theories that state "This is just how I'm supposed to be." I will convince myself of that, and will cease to care.

This is why I am working with a trainer...keeping my appointments with Anthony at the very least gives me motivation to eat right. But he can't be with me 24-7. He can't hold me accountable to what I eat on a daily basis. Only I can do that. Only I can take that motivation and put action behind it.

So, what's an addicted girl to do?

Pray hard.

Focus hard.

And face down this monster daily, until I pummel it into the ground for good.

God has already given me everything I need to succeed. He has certain plans for me, plans for which He has clearly shown that I need to be healthy for. I have close to 30 more sessions with Anthony before I re-sign (re-signing is a given, because I'm sticking with him until I reach my goal) and he made a statement about those sessions: "I'm gonna kick your ass." I'm counting on it.

I'm overhauling my eating habits - going to the Eat Clean method. (Thank you, Renee, for recommending it!)

I'm using next Tuesday's measurements as a new starting point, rather than letting them be a disappointing testimony to how badly I've been eating the last month.

I will claw my way out of this hole of addiction, and will fight this monster with every bit of strength I have....and rely on God for the strength I don't have.

And. I. Will. WIN.