And the Legs Have It!

It's amazing how much you use your leg muscles. Every movement involves the legs in some way...well, almost every movement. And after the workout Anthony put me through yesterday, my legs are SORE.

Yesterday, after the gym, I went to the library. There are stairs leading up to the entrance to the library. Stairs were my enemy last night. Going up was okay. Going down...not so much. Later, I went to UNLV to see The Nutcracker ballet. There were stairs leading up to the theater entrance. Holy COW. One step at a time with a deathgrip on the railing - only way I made it down without falling on my face! Sheesh.

All in all, it was a tough workout, and I nailed it. I worked hard, and I kicked butt. :o) Anthony is an awesome encourager and teacher.

I love the place I'm in. There's a determination and an eagerness in going forward that's never been in me before. Today, I thought about the future a bit. The next time I go to Morocco, I'll be able to play futbol with the kids. I'll be able to get down in the dirt and have fun, with ease. I'll be able to run. And I'll be a walking testimony to health and vibrancy and life-change.

Until next time.... MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Blowin' it OUT!

This evening was session 2 with Anthony. :o)

We worked on shoulders and back, and then did more crunches on the big squooshy ball.

My arms are tired, to say the least. And I'm getting over the fear of Mr. Squooshy. I didn't even strain with my legs to hold myself in place this time. And he had me do 3 1-minute sets. :o) LOVE IT!

At the end of the session, he said "For the first time...you blew it out. Good job." :o) Fun fun fun.

And yesterday, I went to the gym and walked 2 miles on the treadmill, using up to a 3.0 incline.

The biggest hurdle I'm facing is something you'd think would be easy for someone like me, especially being addicted to food and all. I'm not getting enough calories. The last couple days I've averaged about 1600-1800 a day. Anthony told me that that is WAY too little. He wants me around 2000 a day, even 2200 for the first couple weeks. Problem is, I'm not hungry, and I'm eating 5 times a day. I've cut out all fast food, and am not eating all fat free or light, although some things are. I'm eating a lot more fiber, hence not being as hungry.

So, yeah. Gotta figure out how to get more calories, without going unhealthy. Sheesh.

The next session with Anthony is Tuesday afternoon. Till then I'll be treadmilling it daily. :o) I'm thinking 2 miles is a good target daily, although I may try to go a little more sometimes. I don't want to overdue it, but doggone it, it feels SO good to be moving! I just can't wait till I can RUN again! THAT is going to be SO MUCH FUN!

Otherwise, things are going well, and I'm super excited to be on the road to health!

Till next time!

Stronger than Before & Motivated for Change

Today I met with Anthony at 24-Hour Fitness. He's this huge guy, body builder type, but very nice, funny, and promises to work me hard in our sessions.

Our session today was mostly paperwork. Measurements, evaluations, and then a little bit of time on the floor "seeing what you're made of" (his words).

That 20 minutes was very encouraging.I'm stronger than I was the last time I was in the gym. The weights he handed me were easy. He had me do some back, biceps and triceps - four different exercises - and then one more...some pull down thing where you spread your arms as you pull the thing down. Can't remember what it's called. He pushed me to the point where I couldn't pull it down anymore...and then took me over to a machine, telling me it was going to be fun.

I stood looking at that thing wondering what in the world it was, and what I was supposed to do with it. It's a chin up/ pull up machine. And it IS fun! And I did chin ups...lifting my body weight only, but still...that's a flippin lot of weight. Anthony was impressed at how well I did.

Then he took me to the most dreaded thing for me, something I've never done because I've been afraid of it. Crunches on the exercise ball. That big squooshy thing that surely would fly out from beneath my butt as soon as I tried to do a crunch. He goaded me on...teasing me a little about the fear, and pushed me to do it, not taking no for an answer.

And I did it. 2 minutes worth of crunches. I haven't been able to do crunches in longer than I can remember, and that big scary squooshy ball made 2 minutes of 'em seem easy.

So, he told me that he has a great idea of what kind of program to put me on, and Friday we hit the ground running with the entire session. :o) I'm excited!

And now, here I sit, watching The Biggest Loser finale - and have been in tears more than once. I've made a goal of being off blood pressure meds completely by the end of 2009. One contestant on the show was on 5 medications when he started. Within weeks, he was off all of them. He no longer has high blood pressure, high cholesterol, or diabetes. Another contestant was in the worst health they've ever seen on the show - a 50-something year old man who's "inner" age (body-wise) was over 70. They did the same tests on him just recently, and at the finale the doctor told him that his "inner" age is now 52. That man has come off all his medications, and gained back 24 years of his life.

My goal of being off bp meds by the end of 2009 seems ultra conservative now...but it is SO ENCOURAGING to know that it's possible. This is going to be so much fun!

Erasing the Neglect of 17 Years

How exactly do you do that?

I guess, in some ways, it's un-erasable. For instance, the damage to my heart is irreversible, barring a miracle from God - which I totally believe can happen, don't get me wrong. The experience of being overweight for so long means a lot of missed opportunities, some of which will never come around again. I believe that if I hadn't been overweight, I may have been in a better place within my marriage - or even before meeting him, and maybe wouldn't have gotten married at all...meaning no divorce and dealing with that over the years. Those things, and others, are un-erasable.

On second thought...it's all un-erasable. And that's okay with me...I just realized how exactly okay that is with me. Because all the experiences over the years, beginning with the beginning...they have all led up to this day. This time. This experience. And I wouldn't be the person I am today if those experiences hadn't happened.

However.

This is the day I say, "No more." This is the day I say, "This will change." This is the day I say, "I believe in miracles." This is the day I say, "I believe in myself."

Most importantly, this is the day I say, "I believe in the ability of God to give me the strength to make permanent changes in my life."

And those changes may not erase the neglect of the last 17 years...but they sure will make the rest of my life a glorious testimony to the COMPLETE power of His redemption.

Tomorrow, December 16, 2008, is my first appointment with a personal trainer.

I'll keep you posted on the progress.

Taking Control

I can't believe I'm wide awake at 5 am on my "weekend". There's something very wrong with this picture!

Anyway, the other day, I went through ALL the food in my pantry, in the fridge, and in the freezer. I learned something about myself:

I know how to eat properly. I know what's healthy. I know how to put that stuff together to keep it healthy. I just don't DO it.

As such, I've come to this conclusion:

Knowledge is power ONLY if you use that knowledge.

In other words, knowledge is just like potential. If it's not put to use, it's useless.

So, with that list of food items in hand, I made a menu for two days, and learned something else.

I don't eat enough. With Weight Watchers Flex plan, I'm alotted a certain number of points per day. (36 because of my physically demanding job - which I decided should be lowered to 30 on my days off.) The menu I made for yesterday, 3 meals with 2 snacks, only gave me 21-25 points. WHAT??? Sheesh. You mean I have to eat MORE???

So, instead of buying light butter, I bought regular. Instead of buying fat free milk, I bought 2%. These two little items will only give me a couple more points a day, but hey...I need all I can get!

Ugghhh. I learned something yesterday too....I ate the breakfast I planned, the snack, the lunch, the next snack... And always by the time the next bit of food was due, I was hungry. It's strange, because usually I can go the entire day after eating breakfast without anything. But I made sure to stick to the plan, and drank a lot of water. And I was consistently hungry. The only thing I can gather (without formal nutritional counseling or schooling) is that if I'm fueling my body with healthy things, and fueling it consistently (i.e. not taking 12 hours off), my body is consistently burning, therefore, getting the whole "feed me semore" thing going every few hours.

And wonder of all wonders...I had an amazing amount of energy at the end of the work day. Enough to go straight out and see "The Secret Life of Bees" (which is the best movie I've seen all year, btw.) And usually, I'm coming straight home and going immediately into a lethargical state.

So, we'll keep it up. And see how it goes. :o)

Nanowrimo 2008

It's that time of year again. :o) And although I didn't get off the ground with this story last year, I'm determined to do it - and finish! - this year.

Merry Christmas, Mr. C

Main Cast:

Jasmine

She's an independently wealthy (by way of her strike it rich parents) youngish woman who grew up in Las Vegas and still calls the city her home. She's surrounded and supported by a group of close friends (including her brother). Jasmine spends her days at various Starbucks' around the city, using the non-confrontational setting to build a very thorough character database for the sole purpose of writing a best-selling novel - someday. She also has an ... unhealthy? ... obsession with George Clooney, and is on a mission to get the best ever Christmas present for this man who can have anything he wants. She'd also like to have coffee with him, because let's face it...an internationally acclaimed actor would be a fantastic addition to her database.

Johnson

Johnson is a newcomer to Jasmine's world. Yes, of course. She interviews him. I'm not really sure what he does as a profession, because he hasn't told me yet. So writing his story line will be quite an adventure. I do know that he meets Jasmine by answering an ad she runs routinely in the paper, but he isn't exactly what he seems to be.

Despite his reluctance to give me any information about himself, he has made it clear that he will be an integral part of the story...as in the male lead. He meets Jasmine, gets involved with her life, her friends love him, her brother approves of him, and all is well. Or so it would seem...cause when it comes right down to it, no one really knows much about Johnson.

Abigail and Jeremiah

The married couple among the friends. Abigail is one of Jasmine's best friends. Jeremiah is a member of the group by way of dating and marrying Abigail. They've been married for going on 5 years, and do not have children. They are determined not to have children. They do not ever want children. Ever.

Abigail is a high school teacher (hence her aversion to kids - they all become selfish spoiled brats!). She's the obnoxious one, loud and witty without being overbearing.

Jeremiah is a tower manager at one of the hotel/casino/resorts on the Strip.

Mason and Katelynn

These two have been tip-toeing around each other for several years, dating other people in hopes of "getting over" each other, because everyone knows that dating can ruin a wonderful friendship, right? Right?

Katelynn is Jasmine's other best friend (the three have been close since elementary school), and perhaps the shy-est of the three friends (which is probably why she hasn't made a move on Mason yet). By profession, Kate is a used book store / coffee shop owner. She does not sell Starbucks products in her store, and constantly teases Jasmine about her betrayal in all things coffee.

Mason has known the girls since he moved to Las Vegas in high school, when he became a good friend of Derrick, Jasmine's brother. He is a fashion designer by profession, and is determined to make a name for himself as one of the few straight male designers in the business. It would help if he had a steady girlfriend.

Sabrina and Derrick

Sabrina, like Johnson, is a newcomer to the group of friends. She works in the same hotel as Derrick, and after they meet, he starts bringing her to the group's weekly family dinners. She gets along well with the entire group. She's a pastry chef, and hopes to own her own bakery someday.

Derrick is Jasmine's twin brother. He's an executive chef in a top rated restaurant on the Strip, with no aspiration to own his own place. He loves his job, admires his boss, and he loves Las Vegas. Life can't get much better than this, can it?

Sabrina and Derrick love each other's company, and quickly become great friends. They are NOT a couple...yet. But who knows?

So there you have it. :o) The main cast of Merry Christmas, Mr. C. :o) It'll be fun to start working with these characters, as I learned so much about them just in writing this cast list!

"Pre-Diabetes"

So, the doctor referred me to a dietician. Well, the place she referred me to is a Diabetes Clinic, and she wants me to participate in a "pre-diabetes" workshop. A 4 hour class on how to change eating habits and prevent moving into diabetes.

It's all great, really. I even bought an easy-to-read book on prediabetes at Borders the other day.

But she never told me she thought I was pre-diabetic. She told me my blood sugar was in the normal range when we did a blood test months ago.

Regardless, coupled with the heart issue (described in my previous post), I'm sufficiently awake (as in wake up call...work with me here people!). I went through all the food in my pantry today, wrote it all down, and realized that all in all, I have some decent stuff, and more than enough to begin eating better. I went to the store to supplement a couple items, and even made out a menu for Monday and Tuesday.

So here we go. Again. Will this time stick? I sure hope so. We'll see.

Oh and btw - my doctor doesn't want me to "work out". She wants me to walk. And that's all. Walk. She doesn't want me doing too much too soon. And my work is enough strenuous exercise for now. So walking it will be. Although, I think I'll add some abdominal workouts, and some stretching, and maybe a bit of hip hop dancing (workout dvd I bought a couple years ago). But nothing too strenuous. :o) If it's fun, it's not strenous, right?

Perhaps by this time next year, I'll have regained my "hot chick" status. :o)

Wake Up Call

So, I've been seeing a doctor for the last few months. Not socially. HA! No, I've been going to the doctor for high blood pressure. Over the last months, she's done numerous blood tests, put me on medication, had me get an echocardiogram, and changed my medication once.

Yesterday was my latest appointment. She gave me some news that shocked me, although it probably shouldn't have.

She told me that the reason she'd switched my medication was that the echo showed thickening of the heart. Which means my heart has been working too hard - because of the high blood pressure and because I'm so overweight. The blood pressure is now under control...but if I don't lose weight...well. It won't be good. When she said "it could lead to heart attacks, or, well. Heart failure." I wanted to cry.

What have I done to myself? It was a wake up call.

I've been thinking about it since...and all the ramifications (that may or may not be the right word). I mean...with God all things are possible. But suppose God decides to let it remain, and chooses not to miraculously reverse this seemingly irreversable condition?

It could mean my life will be shorter than God originally intended for it to be. It could mean that - being an organ donor - my heart is nontransplantable, which cheats someone out of a healthy heart. It will mean that if I were to marry again, my husband would have to deal with the knowledge that my selfishness, laziness, and procrastination in overcoming addiction to food has cheated him out of a few years with his wife. Same with any children we may have.

In other words...this doesn't just touch me. It touches everyone in my life. This is no longer something I've done to myself, but something I've done that affects others.

So, I'm going to a dietician. And I'm going to try. I haven't been trying. But it's no longer something I can be blase about. I have no choice. I have to lose weight.

It's pretty serious now.

Oh What A Night!

It's half past 1 am, and I've just returned home from a wonderful evening.

First off, my companion for the evening was a great guy named Rich, in the States for 6 weeks this summer by way of England, helping with YWAM Las Vegas's Mission Adventures program. He's great fun - a hilarious young man worth spending a few hours with. We talked a lot, I laughed a WHOLE lot, and I'm glad to have bestowed my free tickets on him this go round. (Last time was Tiffany, time before that was Kevin. Next time...who knows!)

So, we went to dinner first. We chose "Woo", an Asian fusion restaurant located on the second level of The Shoppes of the Palazzo (thanks to my being a Palazzo team member, we got 50% off the check!). The waiter was very knowledgeable and helped us pick out some great dishes. I highly recommend Woo. Get the Wootini. Good drink. Although the portions were small, we left feeling...satisfied. And it's a beautiful restaurant. With rocks and chopsticks. (Although, after leaving the show, we stopped by Jack in the Box. We were hungry.)

We took a walk around for a bit, then sat in the Salute Lounge for a drink, while waiting for the theater to open up. I'm pretty sure it used to be called the Zebra lounge, but they changed the name before opening. I can't remember. I do remember them saying they didn't like the zebra printed pillars and that it was going to be changed before opening, but it's all still there. Anyway, there was a band playing, mostly 80's music. They were pretty good, and it was clear that they loved what they were doing. They were enjoying themselves as much as the crowd.

Then...

WOW. That's all I can say. Well, not really, but that's what I must start with. Jersey Boys was AMAZING. It's the story of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. The singing...wow. The sets...ingenious (everything - what there is of it - is on wheels, and the cast wheels it on and off stage for the appropriate scenes). The story...riveting. I LOVED IT. It was - to be brutally honest - MUCH better than I was expecting it to be. It helps that the music is so familiar. Even Richard, who didn't know who had sung the songs, knew of the songs. Constant singing, constant moving, and it was also very funny in spots. I highly recommend Jersey Boys...whether you're in New York, Chicago, or Las Vegas....GO SEE IT!

And they had fun. At the end, right after curtain call, the entire cast sang "Oh What A Night" again, and they were all smiling and clapping and dancing, and we were all smiling and clapping...and it was a wonderfully cheerful moment.

So, thank you Palazzo for giving me the tickets. I will do my part and recommend it to all the guests I speak with.

Thank you band, for being a good 30-40 minute sit down.

Thank you Mr. Woo Waiter (can't remember his name!) for being so knowledgeable on what's served where you work.

And thank you Rich...your company and stories made the evening 100x more enjoyable than if I'd gone alone. :o)

Whew. It's time for bed though. I had two drinks tonight, and it's now going on 2 am - about 5 hours past my usual bedtime. ;o)

G'nite!

I want this...

Pride & Prejudice - I've watched this movie twice in the last 7 days. The newest one, with Kierra Knightly.

The story stirs something in my heart, something that I'm scared of, something that I've always suspected was there, but never wanted to come face to face with it. I'm not a girly girl, and don't fancy myself the kind of woman who wants to be in love for the sake of being in love. Quite frankly, most men scare me, and being around most men is difficult at best these days. It's rather surprising to realize that there is still this ... thing ... in me that is growing day in and day out...

It's this desire to meet a man who challenges me in every way, spurring me to be a stronger woman and a stronger Christian, even while vexing me with the surety of his own strength...something akin to arrogance, I suspect. It's the desire to meet a man who sees me, with all my faults, and finds me irresistable - intectually and spiritually. It's the desire to meet a man who respects not only the appearance of purity, but also the action of purity - even while wanting to kiss me senseless. It's this desire to meet a man who appreciates that I can be all those things to him as well.

In the most simplest words, it's the desire to be loved wholly, as I am, with no pretense.

I want this.

Don't get me wrong...I do not need this. I have been single for a long time, and will remain so for the rest of my life, if that is the life God has chosen for me. I do not need a man in my life.

But...I do want this.

I have been single for a long time, and although the wait is more difficult some days than others, wait I shall. And pray that my affections are held in check until the right man...the man I described above...makes himself known.

At that time...I will smile, laugh, take his hand, and be happily content to spend the rest of my days with a man who will continually spur me to become an even better version of myself.

To Hotel Guests

Housekeeper Pet Peeves:

1. There are three trash cans in your suite: one in the bathroom, one in the bedroom, and one in the living room. Use them for trash. That's what they are there for.

2. If you must leave your dirty underwear on the floor, at least put it in a laundry bag and put it on the floor of the closet.

3. A non-smoking suite is a non-smoking suite. This means that you are not supposed to smoke in it. If you need to smoke, go to the casino or request a smoking room. We understand that the smoking floors smell like smoke, and the suites on those floors smell like smoke, but in all honestly, once you smoke once in your suite, it stinks just like those rooms on the smoking floors. If you don't like the smell...QUIT SMOKING. Duh.

3. Do NOT under any circumstances smoke illegal drugs in your suite. We can tell when it happens. There is a distinct odor. DUH.

4. Used condoms belong in one of the three trash cans mentioned in the first point. Not under the bed skirt.

5. Do not take towels and amenities off the housekeeper's carts when they aren't looking. You are not the only guest in the hotel, and we will give you any extra stuff you need if you ask. Housekeepers have other suites to clean, and need the things on their carts to do their jobs.

6. If you do not want to be woken up at 9 am, put your "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door. Put the sign on the OUTSIDE of the door, so the housekeeper can see it. Otherwise, don't be angry or disgusted when the housekeeper knocks on your door and walks into your suite waking you up.

7. Yes, parties are part of life. But if you trash the suite, please at least leave a tip for the housekeeper. It's rude to expect someone to spend two hours in the room after you've left trash all over the floor, moved all the furniture, spilled alcohol all over the place, and thrown up everywhere except the toilet...and leave nothing. Have some class. Apologize by leaving a tip.

8. The bathtub is not an alternate toilet. Please to not urinate in the bathtub. That's just gross people. That's just gross. Do you have ANY class at ALL??

9. We understand that $25 extra dollars for every person over 2 in the room is a very steep price to pay when you're already paying $300 a night for one of our suites, but please be honest and above board. It helps the housekeepers to know how many people are in the suite. To find 6 disgustingly dirty people instead of the one person on the reservation only sets them back and adds more stress to an already unbelievably stressful job.

10. Everything in your suite is for your use. But do you have to hoarde amenities? Do you honestly think we don't realize that you're not actually using the stuff, but taking it home to your wife, or taking it home for your bathroom? Speaking of your wife, are you taking the prostitute trading cards you've collected home to her as well?

11. Lastly, daytime housekeepers typically work from 9 am - 5 pm. This means that your suite might not be cleaned until 4:30 pm. It's basically the luck of the draw, ya know? Our housekeepers clean 11 suites a day, and each takes anywhere from 20-45 minutes to clean. (Double that for trashed suites.) Which means that there is no way in hell that the housekeeper will have ALL eleven rooms cleaned before noon. Be patient. Do not yell at the housekeeper. And don't be selfish, expecting your suite to be cleaned first everyday. Especially if you do not leave the suite until 2 pm, and return at 3 pm. Chances are, she didn't even know you left. Give her a break, will ya? Sheesh.

12. We have 7 pools. You don't need to bring your own and set it up on the bathroom floor. (Yes, someone actually did this.)

Please explain this to me...

Las Vegas summers are hot. We all know that. It's not been that bad yet, but it's starting to heat up, finally. And the warnings are going around -

"DON'T LEAVE YOUR KIDS IN THE CAR!"

So explain to me why a child died, a 4 year old boy, after being left in a car by his parents and family? FOR 17 HOURS?????? SEVENTEEN HOURS???? And explain to me PLEASE, how the parents can just pass it off as an oversight?? And how the DA can say the law PROTECTS them unless it's PROVEN that they INTENTIONALLY NEGLECTED the child?????

I'm not unreasonable. I'm sure that with eight kids, it gets kinda hectic - especially getting into and out of the car. And to be honest, I could understand the term "oversight" if it had been a few hours. And in our heat, a child can die in a closed up car pretty quickly.

But SEVENTEEN HOURS? How do you NOT notice a child missing for SEVENTEEN HOURS???

This is too much. This is just too much for my brain, for my HEART, to digest. In fact, it makes me want to vomit.

The father said "You do everything right for 21 years, and then something like this happens." What an excuse.

YOU KILLED YOUR SON! There IS no excuse for that.

Baby-Faced Teddy Bears & The Digital Age

Okay, so there's this guy on the bus in the mornings - weekday mornings. If I ride the early one (which means I didn't eat breakfast at home, but am eating at work), I see him. He's tall and thick, has the most gorgeous baby face I've ever seen, the chocolatiest chocolate brown eyes (which look gentle and kind), and looks like a huge teddy bear. The first time I saw him, couldn't take my eyes off him. He wears an iPod shuffle, like me, but different color, and stares straight ahead. One time he sat across from me - facing me, and I was so fidgety it got on MY nerves.

Anyway, we spoke for the first time the other day. He came up to the busstop, the bus had just left, and I said (very intelligently) "You just missed it." (I was waiting for a ride, but regretted that as soon as I saw him walking up.) He said, "Yeah, I know. I missed it twice back there." (Motioning to the other busstop a block back.) And....that was it.

His voice is deeper than I'd have thought. But I would LOVE to hear it again.

I tried. Really I did. I tried to talk more to him. Loads of questions, like why does he go to the Apple store at 7 am when the mall doesn't open till 10? And how is it that he's lucky enough to work M-F with weekends off? How old is he? (I swear he's only 15.)(Okay, maybe 20. But that face...he can't possibly be over 25.) Does he receive commission at the Apple store? (If so, I'd totally buy my MacBook from him when I buy one.) Can I just...have a hug? A nice long one? Please Mr. Baby-Face Teddy Bear?

**sigh**

Oh, yeah, and I bought a digital camera today. I've finally joined the digital photography age.

It's amazin...

what you might find yourself doing for some good ole human contact.

I was so tired after work today that I almost asked this big muscular guy next to me if I could lean on him for a while. Almost.

I'm gonna take a bath and go to bed. G'nite.

Healthy Again.

First of all - SUPER CONGRATS to Whitney for winning America's Next Top Model - size 10 and confident in herself, she was my favorite all the way.

Okidoki, that's out of the way.

The last weeks, riding the bus, walking around town, doing normal Dawnsy things that Dawnsy normally does...I've been thinking a lot. About my life, about my weight, about my body, about my face. Remembering some things...

Like the time a few years ago, right after I got back from Brazil. I went to the library. And a stranger saw me through the shelves...spaces between books...a man...and stared at me. Then he came around the end of the shelves and said "I just had to tell you. You have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen." I was shocked, and amazed, and blushed, and smiled, and said "Thank you." The next day, someone honked at me in traffic, stopped at a red light. He was in a VW bug, I was in a 15 passenger van. I rolled down the window, thinking he was going to ask for directions. He stared at me...awestruck it seemed...and said "You are beautiful. I just had to tell you that." My heart stopped, started again, I blushed and said "Thank you." And smiled. And the light turned green.

I think it was the peace that was radiating from my face in those few days after returning from an extended time away. Or maybe there was just a look about me then, in those couple of days, that made men stop and stare. I hadn't lost any weight in Brazil. Was still hovering around 250-260. It wasn't my body, that's for sure.

Nowadays, I observe people around me. I'm invisible to most. Repulsive to some. I find myself taking off my sunglasses, wondering if anyone will notice my eyes again. And although some do, as I can tell from the second glances after an initial moment of eye contact, no one ever speaks.

I don't like being invisible. I don't like feeling as if I should apologize to the person sitting next to me on the bus. I don't like what I did to myself, how I let myself go. I don't like the damage being done every day to my organs, because the weight is coming off slowly. I don't like knowing that my father would be so disappointed in my still being so big. I don't like seeing others like me...with their noses in the air acting as if it doesn't bother them, even as they try to make themselves as small as possible to make other people comfortable.

Don't get me wrong. I look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman. A beautiful face. And a beautiful heart shining out from beautiful eyes. But I really want the outside to match the inside.

I don't want to be a size 2. I'm not even sure about a size 10. I just know that I want to change this...this unhealthy body...and make it healthy again.

Grrr...

So. I went to weigh in this evening, at an outside Weight Watchers location. The place was locked down for inspection issues or something, and there was no note telling where the new location was. I got home 20 minutes later, looked online, and found that the new meeting spot was just across the street. Grrr.

At least there is another time I can go - Saturday morning at 6:30 am. Before work.

To be honest, I'm not feeling too great about the past week. Counting the points is hard for me this time (was a breeze 5 years ago!) because of my job, and the time intensive nature of it...sometimes I simply can't take a lunch break, and resort to cereal bars or protien bars, which seriously hampers my points...and I end up needing to consume 10+ points at the end of the day, just to make my target. Which means I eat unhealthy stuff, to make the points up. There's another plan...the core plan (I'm on the flex plan) seems to be a bit easier, but perhaps a little slower on the weight loss.

On flex, I can eat whatever I want, but have to track the points. On core, there are certain foods I can eat (the list is huge, though), and the rest is off limits. A total change of eating habits.

I'm going to stick with flex...try a couple more weeks. Then see.

Later. America's Next Top Model is on, and it's the season finale! WHOOT!

Time Well Spent

Wow. January?? Long time.

But...I must say. It's been time well spent. Working at the Palazzo has been interesting to say the least. I've acclimated to the job of hotel housekeeper...almost all the way. It's easier physically. Most days. :o) I'm making my room quota daily, save for those days when extenuating circumstances exist...which don't come very often anymore, thank God.

And kicker of all kickers - drumroll please! I've lost 30 pounds! WHOOPEEE! I'm seeing a number on the scale that I haven't seen in 4-EH-VER!

I've also joined Weight Watchers at Work. Learning to eat right is not easy. Especially when I run all day and hardly ever take a lunch break. But I'm trying. :o) And thinking of buying a beautiful size 14 sundress...all white with purple flowers around the bottom half. For inspiration. Although...by the time I get down to that size, it'll be winter. Probably. :o) We'll see.

My future looks bright...but the kind of bright that you can't really make anything out because it's so bright you have to close your eyes? Know what I mean? I have a couple options, and am going on a mini-vacation to La Jolla, California to spend a few days praying about them. I'll let ya know.

That's all for now...Dancing with the Stars will be on soon. :o) I love that show, but boy do I miss Maks being on it!

OH! Shout out to Sammy and Carol from Florida! I met them on the bus today, and had a lovely time chatting with them!

:o)

Waiting...

Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for life to happen. What am I holding my breath for? Is this all there is?

Life in the REAL WORLD

So it's been a long time since I've posted. Mainly because I'm working everyday, and tired whenever I get home, and not up to getting on the computer and typing.

I've realized something: I'm a missionary at heart and a structured work life is not for me.

It's been one month since I've started working with The Venetian / The Palazzo, and housekeeping is hard work. I'm sore all the time, tired all the time, beyond dehydrated all the time....but the paycheck is SO worth it. The Palazzo opened its doors recently...not sure what date even, to be honest, so I'm stationed on a floor and no longer doing "contruction clean". :o) That's great news!

Another bonus with this job is that I never have to eat at home. I don't have grocery bills. I eat a good breakfast, a light lunch (which sometimes means a banana), and a good dinner, all in Pronto (employee dining room). Free. I'd eat lunch, but in order to finish my rooms, I can't take the break. So taking a banana upstairs with me is the extent of my lunch abilities. Eventually I'll be able to take the break, for sure, but for now, it's okay.

I'm still with Starbucks, working there on my days off from the Palazzo. Not sure how long that's going to last. I'm holding on to it in case I just can't get the hang of housekeeping.

Well, I am in need of rest. This is a boring post, but wanted to update. I'll try to be funny and hilarious in the next! :o)