Healthy Again.

First of all - SUPER CONGRATS to Whitney for winning America's Next Top Model - size 10 and confident in herself, she was my favorite all the way.

Okidoki, that's out of the way.

The last weeks, riding the bus, walking around town, doing normal Dawnsy things that Dawnsy normally does...I've been thinking a lot. About my life, about my weight, about my body, about my face. Remembering some things...

Like the time a few years ago, right after I got back from Brazil. I went to the library. And a stranger saw me through the shelves...spaces between books...a man...and stared at me. Then he came around the end of the shelves and said "I just had to tell you. You have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen." I was shocked, and amazed, and blushed, and smiled, and said "Thank you." The next day, someone honked at me in traffic, stopped at a red light. He was in a VW bug, I was in a 15 passenger van. I rolled down the window, thinking he was going to ask for directions. He stared at me...awestruck it seemed...and said "You are beautiful. I just had to tell you that." My heart stopped, started again, I blushed and said "Thank you." And smiled. And the light turned green.

I think it was the peace that was radiating from my face in those few days after returning from an extended time away. Or maybe there was just a look about me then, in those couple of days, that made men stop and stare. I hadn't lost any weight in Brazil. Was still hovering around 250-260. It wasn't my body, that's for sure.

Nowadays, I observe people around me. I'm invisible to most. Repulsive to some. I find myself taking off my sunglasses, wondering if anyone will notice my eyes again. And although some do, as I can tell from the second glances after an initial moment of eye contact, no one ever speaks.

I don't like being invisible. I don't like feeling as if I should apologize to the person sitting next to me on the bus. I don't like what I did to myself, how I let myself go. I don't like the damage being done every day to my organs, because the weight is coming off slowly. I don't like knowing that my father would be so disappointed in my still being so big. I don't like seeing others like me...with their noses in the air acting as if it doesn't bother them, even as they try to make themselves as small as possible to make other people comfortable.

Don't get me wrong. I look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman. A beautiful face. And a beautiful heart shining out from beautiful eyes. But I really want the outside to match the inside.

I don't want to be a size 2. I'm not even sure about a size 10. I just know that I want to change this...this unhealthy body...and make it healthy again.