Sorrow and Joy Part 2 - and a GREEN tree!

Today was session #6 of the marathon 7. On my way to the gym, I stopped at Starbucks. Give me a break...the bus stop is right in front of the store, and the timing was such that it was either sit outside for 20 minutes, or go in and relax into the wonderful smells and sounds of my second Happy Place. (The first is the library.)

As I walk out of the store, and towards the bus stop, I have a half smile on my face and feel wonderfully relaxed - if not more than a bit tired. I look up and there in front of me is ... a GREEN TREE. The leaves are green, the bark is green, and the blossoms on the branches are bright yellow. I almost stopped in my tracks. This sight took me by complete surprise, and I'd worked at this very Starbucks for several months just over a year ago. I do not really understand why it seemed so, but that tree was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. :o) A GREEN TREE. You just don't see that every day!

Okay - on with the story.Working with Erin has been GREAT! :o)

She's a totally different type of trainer than Anthony, and much better suited to my needs. She focuses on all aspects of fitness, instead of just building strength and muscle. And I love the sessions she sets up - one day we do the front of the body (chest, biceps, core, quads), another we do the back of the body (back, triceps, lower back, hamstrings), another we do the "sides" of the body (outer & inner thigh, obliques)...we do cardio intervals (weights, cardio, weights, cardio), and one day we even did intervals on the treadmill (3 min high intensity, 3 minutes low, 2 high, 2 low, etc). The workouts are varied and cover the entire body, without tiring out one muscle group excessively. I sweat like crazy, but have fun doing it! The sessions go SUPER FAST...it seems like we've only been going for 20 minutes when the session is over.

I've been sore in muscles I never experienced soreness while working with Tony. My back muscles were sore the other day!! And yeah - you may call me crazy - but muscle soreness feels WONDERFUL to me!

When I told her that I wanted to run a marathon sometime next year, she didn't laugh or tell me to try a shorter distance (as did Tony). It turns out that her specialty is training people to get ready for running marathons. :o) Funny how that happens, yeah? :o) She's 100% supportive. When I told her that this whole experience is giving me a desire to become a personal trainer someday, she responded with enthusiasm and encouragement, saying "Think of the inspiration you could be to others!"

So, yeah, having Erin take over my training has been a very good thing. :o)

As for other things...here is a note (in italics) I wrote on my phone before my first session with Erin. It puts my feelings into words better then I could convey now, almost a week later.

It's interesting what you learn about yourself when things happen that 1. Are beyond your control and 2. Send your mind and heart reeling in a thousand different directions, all opposite from the direction they were currrently traveling. It's almost as if, the moment this tragedy (for lack of a better word) strikes, you're afforded the opportunity to step away from yourself and watch each reaction and adjustment unfold. Perhaps this is God's intention...as He allows these heart-rending and heart-breaking events into our lives, He is also allowing us to witness our own growth.

So, what have I learned about myself through this thing with Anthony? For starters, I've realized that I'm no longer unhappy by default. Where unhappiness used to be the "norm" for my emotional state, the opposite is true now. My default is now happy and bubbly. Unhappiness has become an unwelcome intruder. I'm not exactly sure when that happened, but it has. And it is SO good. :o)

Another thing I have realized is how very open my heart is. I bought this necklace - the open heart necklace by Jane Seymour from Kay Jewelers - for that reason - I considered it true in theory, but maybe wasn't thinking it was completely true of ME. It has sunk in over the last few days how very true it is of me. I used to pride myself in being someone who was closed and protected. Now, I can see that the doors have opened and the walls have come tumbling down. I have a very open heart now. Granted, it means I also get hurt very easily, but I would much rather love freely and get hurt than never love and miss out on that joy.

I also realized how painful it is when someone you care about cannot see in themselves what you see in them. So many times in the past people have been on that end with me...and I either could not see what they saw, or chose not to see what they saw. I've never been on this end before. Anthony sees himself in a negative light in many ways...he has no clue how inspirational he is, and he has no clue how worthy of happiness he is. It's painful to hear him say things like "I don't deserve it" or "I'm just a screw-up". The kid is a walking miracle, and he's oblivious to how special he is. It hurts me to see it. And now I have a better understanding of how frustrating it was for those in my life who have been in the same position.

Meeting and becoming friends with Anthony was something worth doing. It ended badly, I guess, but during the time I was interacting with him, I was able to show him what true friendship is, what true acceptance is, and how God loves him. What he did with those things...well, that's nothing I can control or be responsible for. I only hope that in some way God touched his heart through me. Being open was my job where Anthony is concerned, and I succeeded in that mission. The outcome is up to Anthony and God. The only thing left for me to do is let go, and move on.

Moving on....I'm going to try YOGA for the first time Friday. :o) Maybe. There's a class at the gym on Fridays. I want that flexibility!! Is there a difference between a fitness mat and a yoga mat? I have a fitness mat... ANYWAY, I'm considering taking the class. We'll see. I might be too much of a scaredy-cat, but hopefully not. :o)

My 7th session (and last to get the 10 free) is Thursday evening. I'm taking a session break for a week. I'll do the yoga class, walk the neighborhood, do some ab work...but I'm feeling the fatigue today. I've been going hard, and need a little break. :o) After that, it's back to business.

I am very optimistic about the next several months. :o) First goal - go below the 200 line! That's less than 30 pounds away! YEAH BABY!

Sorrow & Joy Part 1

So, where were we? (those three words look so much alike!) I'm addicted to food. I had measurements coming up. And SO MUCH has happened since then. Measurements went - surprisingly - well. I'd dropped on a couple key spots, and remained pretty steady on the rest, except maybe one or two. Anthony read the note about food addiction, and was very supportive.

And then, just over a week ago, the bottom fell out.

I had a session with Anthony a week ago last Friday (April 17)...it was a good session, and afterward we talked a bit. I went on home after, and went about my day. The next day we had a session scheduled at 2 pm, and I was thinking about going to church in the evening. Around 8:30 am, I received a text message from Anthony asking if we could move our session to 6 pm because he had something he needed to do. I asked why, and instead of giving me a reason, he told me that if I couldn't, he'd have to cancel. I asked him why he was making plans for something when we had already scheduled this session, and then he told me that going in for my session at 2 for an hour and leaving again was a lousy split of the day...so I asked him if it was that or if he really had something to do. He responded with "Here's what we're going to do. We're going to switch you to another trainer. Next Saturday is probably going to be my last day anyway."...

Words cannot convey the shock and panic and ANGER that descended upon me at that moment.

The rest of the day was more of the same. All his replies to my quesitons (all through text) were cryptic and could be taken several different ways and were never straight answers, and sometimes he just wouldn't answer at all. He said he was going to talk to Erin about taking me on, and would let me know how it went. The session ended up being cancelled btw, as he didn't want to do it at 2, and I wasn't changing the time for him. (He constantly did that to me...I put my foot down this time.) We had had 3 sessions scheduled that week - he cancelled two (one because he was sick.)

I calmed down some after a conversation with Renee, but my mind continued to race and my eyes just would not stay dry for long. Sunday wasn't much better, except that I went to church and got to hang out with Kevin most the day. Anthony didn't respond when I asked him if he'd talked to Erin. He was silent all day.

Monday morning, I woke up determined. I texted him "This situation gets resolved TODAY." And a few other words conveying how fed up I was. My plan was to go in immediately after work, to talk to him and Erin...and figure something out. At noon, I received a text from him: "I'm going in in a bit and talking to my manager. Today will be my last day. I've got bigger and better things to be concerned with." I texted him twice, no answer. I called twice, no answer. I was so confused, and concerned. This was such a radical change from the guy I talked to on Friday after our session. Anger turned to sorrow. It was a physical pain in my heart and stomach...I've not felt sorrow like that in a long, long time.

I went in to the gym immediately after work. Anthony was already gone. Erin was there, though...and she let me cry for a few minutes, and then we scheduled some sessions. 24hour Fitness is running this special - if you complete 20 training sessions between March 1 - April 30, they'll give you 10 free sessions. Considering a package of 10 sessions costs just under $600...this is an AMAZING deal. Because Anthony cancelled on me twice that previous week, I still needed 7 sessions by April 30. And it was already April 20. So Anthony's disappearing not only took my trainer from me, but also put me in jeopardy of losing those extra sessions.

I thank God for Erin's positive attitude. We scheduled every single one of those sessions. 7 sessions in 8 days. 2 back to back, making a 2 hour session just last Friday. But we're doing it. There are 2 more to go. :o) She was just as determined as I am to get those sessions.

I realize now that sticking with Anthony would have been a huge mistake. He's a good trainer for someone without a lot of weight to lose. I wasn't seeing results (not great ones anyway) with him, because he was...I dunno, maybe out of his depth? He knows so much about building muscle, and can get someone into that zone...seriously, you should see my biceps! :o) But he never had me doing core training...never had me doing half the stuff I've done with Erin in just a few sessions...and that's one of the main reasons I'm not further along than I am.

Working with Erin has been GREAT!

And that's where the joy comes in...

There's more to write, but I'm tired and need to get to bed. I'll write more tomorrow. I've learned some key things about myself during this thing....

BTW...I've not heard anything from Anthony since his text at noon last Monday. He just disappeared from my life. Without even saying goodbye...

Out of the hole...

I posted this on Facebook just over a month ago...forgot to post it here...

So, here I am. Month 4. It's been a while since I've posted, and that's mainly because it's been a rough month or two. My food addiction has become very real over the last couple months. Always before, even in the beginning of this year when starting on the road to health and fitness, I acknowledged the addiction with a chuckle and smile... "It's not as serious as drug addiction, or alcoholism...but yeah, it's an addiction."

But recent weeks have shown me just how serious this addiction is. On Oscar night, I ate a medium pizza. And the Hershey's chocolate dunkers that I got with it. I didn't intend to eat it all. But sitting there, watching Slumdog sweep the Oscars, wondering where George Clooney was, squealing like a teenager to see Edward Cullen sitting behind The Wrestler...I ate a whole medium pizza and almost all those chocolatey dunker things, piece by piece, without even noticing what I was doing. It wasn't until I started feeling nauseous that I looked down and realized what I'd done. A couple days later, after a workout with Anthony, I ate a pint of chocolate peanut-butter ice cream. I didn't intend to eat it all. But before I realized it, while watching a tv show online, my spoon was scraping the bottom of the container. Even the last couple weeks - Cadburry eggs have become my evening snack. Not one. But two. Or three. Or four. I tell myself that La Salsa is healthier than McDonald's so it's okay. That regular soda is better than diet because the artificial sweetners are bad for you, so it's okay to drink a 20-oz bottle of Coke. I even hide stuff...candy bar wrappers, etc...and if that's not a sign of serious addiction, I don't know what is.

I am addicted to food. And I can't go cold turkey - like with drugs or alcohol. The body needs food to survive, duh. It's a serious, life threatening, addiction. I put it to Anthony like this recently...after a good, hard, sweaty workout: I'm getting my focus back. But I know that if I don't succeed in losing this weight this year...I'll end up eating myself to death.

What I meant was this: If I fail this year, I will fail completely. I know myself well enough to know that I'll give up. I'll give in to the wacko-psycho-babble-theories that state "This is just how I'm supposed to be." I will convince myself of that, and will cease to care.

This is why I am working with a trainer...keeping my appointments with Anthony at the very least gives me motivation to eat right. But he can't be with me 24-7. He can't hold me accountable to what I eat on a daily basis. Only I can do that. Only I can take that motivation and put action behind it.

So, what's an addicted girl to do?

Pray hard.

Focus hard.

And face down this monster daily, until I pummel it into the ground for good.

God has already given me everything I need to succeed. He has certain plans for me, plans for which He has clearly shown that I need to be healthy for. I have close to 30 more sessions with Anthony before I re-sign (re-signing is a given, because I'm sticking with him until I reach my goal) and he made a statement about those sessions: "I'm gonna kick your ass." I'm counting on it.

I'm overhauling my eating habits - going to the Eat Clean method. (Thank you, Renee, for recommending it!)

I'm using next Tuesday's measurements as a new starting point, rather than letting them be a disappointing testimony to how badly I've been eating the last month.

I will claw my way out of this hole of addiction, and will fight this monster with every bit of strength I have....and rely on God for the strength I don't have.

And. I. Will. WIN.