Are you kidding me??

I watched this movie this morning. It's called Disfigured, an indie film about a morbidly obese woman and an anorexic woman who become friends.

It opens with a "Fat Awareness Action Group"...a group of very overweight women (and a few men) who are actually pretty militant in their attitudes about the way other people treat them because they are fat. I'll be honest...I used to be the same way. My attitude was this: I'm a big girl, so what? It's just the way God made me. Why can't you see past the fat to the person? If I'm able to, why can't you? I'm overweight, but I'm healthy.

That's pure bullshit! Obviously, my attitude has changed. A few things these people were saying made me realize just how much.

For instance: You want to lose weight? That's self-hatred. How can you expect people to accept that you're fat if you can't accept that your fat?

RIDICULOUS. Yes, it's a script. But YES, there are people out there that view being fat exactly like this! I've met them! And it PISSES ME OFF.

Being fat isn't something that just happened to me. It's not "the way I'm supposed to be" or "the way God made me". Being fat is something I did to MYSELF. It was a form of self-hatred when I did it. So now, I want to be healthy, and you tell me that I'm hating myself?

Is it self-hatred to want to be off blood pressure meds? Is it self-hatred to want to turn away from the risk of diabetes? Is it self-hatred to want to stop my heart muscle from thickening further? Is it self-hatred to want to be able to run a marathon? Is it self-hatred to want to be HEALTHY?

Get real!

And face the facts. Our bodies are wonderful, miraculous machines...built by a wonderful, miraculous God. They will function through the most rigorous of circumstances...but they can only take so much. He did NOT intend for our bodies to carry 100 extra pounds. Which is why overweight people are at such high risk for so many diseases. It's not about hating yourself for being fat. It's about taking responsibility for your own actions, and taking CARE of your body. Living in obesity is the exact opposite - instead of taking care of your body, you're destroying your body.

I love me. I love my personality, I love my laugh, I love my natural beauty. Do I love my body? Yes, I do, because it's the vessel God gave me to walk this earth. And because I love my body, and because I love God above all things, I am losing weight. Because I love this body, I am going to TAKE CARE of it.

Whatever you do, it's your choice. But don't you DARE condemn me for wanting to be healthy.

Whew. I'm off my soap box now. Just had to let that out.

Back to the Surface

Have you ever had that feeling...the one where you've been hanging on for so long, dog-paddling to stay afloat, and finally, you're just so tired you go under? And for a moment...it's blissful. No more fighting, no more struggling, no more striving...just peace and quiet. And then suddenly you wake back up and think "WHAT AM I DOING???" And your head breaks the surface of the water, and you see the rescue boat so close you wonder why you didn't just turn your head before to notice it...and the next thing you know, you're in the boat wrapped in warm, cozy blankets and real peace comes.

That's about where I am right now...wrapped in those warm, cozy blankets existing - for now at least - in real peace.

It's a nice feeling.

No format today. I just wanted to get something on here. Something real. I have my laptop back, so am going to (hopefully) stick to updating regularly. I'll be back in the gym next week (YAY), and tracking food again.

So let's see if this former hot chick can finally get back to her fullness of hotness. OH YEAH! lol - as if that makes ANY sense. :o)

It's been a while...

It's been a while since my last post. But I'm determined to be more faithful to this blog. Maybe I need a little structure. How about...every post includes a few certain things, like...

One Song: (Title, Artist, and why I love the song)

One Insight: (Something I've realized about myself, my life, or the world, even, that may or not be profound)

One Goal: (Something I want to do - a goal or ambition)

These things can be the staples of every post. In addition to my ordinary musings and rantings, of course.

So let's start:

One Song: "Dawn" (Jean-Yves Thibaudet - Pride & Prejudice Soundtrack 2005) - I love this song...it's the opening piece in the movie. Because it's called "Dawn", it also reminds me of myself. The beginning is a little soft and timid, kind of like waking up from depression as I did several years ago. It gains momentum, then suddenly bursts forth - like I did once I healed and began to discover who I am. It ends in a wonderfully restful pace...a pace that speaks of peace and contentedness. Like how I feel about who I am, and who I am becoming.

One Insight: The last couple days, I've realized something. I am addicted to food, yes. Because of this addiction, I've assumed that food is my enemy. Something I have to get control over, beat into submission, dominate. Over the last few weeks, something odd has been happening. I've been watching a lot of the Food Network, and even saw Julie & Julia, and while watching, I'm falling in love with food. I'm discovering a passion for food that isn't present within the addiction itself. I'm learning about food. Growing in my perception of food. And I can see that my relationship with food is starting to change. Although I cannot yet allow myself to get comfortable with food - I still tend to gravitate towards the candy bars - I am starting to look forward to the day - and know it's coming - when I will have a wonderfully HEALTHY relationship with food. :o)

One Goal: Well, I hurt my back last month, and have lost a solid month or so of training and gym time because of it. So the marathon is out. However, I still want to do the half marathon in December, January or February. I have 3-5 months to get ready, and I'm not sure I can do it. It would be a walk/run for sure. But it's a goal.

Okay. That's enough for today. I'm without a laptop for the next couple weeks, so until I get that baby back, posts will continue to be sporadic. :o) Hang in there!