I have to admit, the past couple of weeks I've been in a funk. It's most likely one of the reasons my back has been bugging me so badly, too. Mental stress manifesting physically, yada yada yada.
I've been opening the Bible more lately - and by more I mean a few times in the last week - way more than before - desperate for God. I miss Him. I've been riveted by the Psalms - mainly because of two particular verses I saw quoted in a book last week. (book title shown at bottom of blog)
"Point out the road I must travel, I'm all ears, all eyes before you. Teach me how to live to please you, because you're my God." Psalm 143:8, 10 (MSG)
And this - part of the dialogue in the book -
"So, if I love God, and I mean really love God with abandon, then I must come to love myself, my life. I need to love my story on a heart level. A story being written by God, the Author and Finisher of our faith. When I start to love my story, with all its messed up twists and turns, then I can love other people who are living out their own stories with all their messed up twists and turns."
And this - another portion of dialogue -
"If I'm going to go around saying that I love God, then I have to trust him and believe that everything in my life first passed through his fingers. Nothing happens outside of his control."
All that combined kind of knocked me upside the head. Did I dare say I really loved God? Because I couldn't say I love my life story, especially not on a heart level. On a heart level, my life story disgusts me. And if that's the case, and if everything in my life has passed through God's fingers...then in a roundabout way - God disgusts me for allowing those things into my life. And when I came to that realization, I felt myself falling off a cliff. Without a hope of landing on something solid - and even less chance of being taught to fly.
I was on my way to therapy. And all I could think was, "Do You really want to do this NOW, God?" I was angry. Livid. Beyond furious. And because He loves me, He let up. It's only now, as I'm typing this blog, that I realize how sufficient His grace has been the last few days - He allowed me to get through the stress of packing up, moving out, moving in, making a major life change, and only now is He revisiting this huge ugly THING between us.
Paul the Apostle said that in order to focus forward, he had to forget what was behind. I can't reconcile that with "loving my life story on a heart level." I know that the two don't have to contradict, and probably shouldn't even come close to contradicting...but I cannot figure out how to do both. One, or the other, maybe. But both at the same time? God help me.
And that is all it takes - three words - "God help me". There's the solid ground I had no hope of landing on last week. Maybe someday soon, He'll teach me to fly.
As for everything else: my AC and oven weren't working because the breaker switches were off (cute maintanence guy was very sweet and didn't call me dumb when he flipped them on), the bathroom ceiling above my shower is dripping from the shower in the apartment above, and my toilet doesn't like to flush. (After vigorous plunging with a pretty new plunger, it finally obeyed.)
This is the book that affected me so deeply - so much so that I'm gonna write a note to the author.
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