It's amazin...

what you might find yourself doing for some good ole human contact.

I was so tired after work today that I almost asked this big muscular guy next to me if I could lean on him for a while. Almost.

I'm gonna take a bath and go to bed. G'nite.

Healthy Again.

First of all - SUPER CONGRATS to Whitney for winning America's Next Top Model - size 10 and confident in herself, she was my favorite all the way.

Okidoki, that's out of the way.

The last weeks, riding the bus, walking around town, doing normal Dawnsy things that Dawnsy normally does...I've been thinking a lot. About my life, about my weight, about my body, about my face. Remembering some things...

Like the time a few years ago, right after I got back from Brazil. I went to the library. And a stranger saw me through the shelves...spaces between books...a man...and stared at me. Then he came around the end of the shelves and said "I just had to tell you. You have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen." I was shocked, and amazed, and blushed, and smiled, and said "Thank you." The next day, someone honked at me in traffic, stopped at a red light. He was in a VW bug, I was in a 15 passenger van. I rolled down the window, thinking he was going to ask for directions. He stared at me...awestruck it seemed...and said "You are beautiful. I just had to tell you that." My heart stopped, started again, I blushed and said "Thank you." And smiled. And the light turned green.

I think it was the peace that was radiating from my face in those few days after returning from an extended time away. Or maybe there was just a look about me then, in those couple of days, that made men stop and stare. I hadn't lost any weight in Brazil. Was still hovering around 250-260. It wasn't my body, that's for sure.

Nowadays, I observe people around me. I'm invisible to most. Repulsive to some. I find myself taking off my sunglasses, wondering if anyone will notice my eyes again. And although some do, as I can tell from the second glances after an initial moment of eye contact, no one ever speaks.

I don't like being invisible. I don't like feeling as if I should apologize to the person sitting next to me on the bus. I don't like what I did to myself, how I let myself go. I don't like the damage being done every day to my organs, because the weight is coming off slowly. I don't like knowing that my father would be so disappointed in my still being so big. I don't like seeing others like me...with their noses in the air acting as if it doesn't bother them, even as they try to make themselves as small as possible to make other people comfortable.

Don't get me wrong. I look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman. A beautiful face. And a beautiful heart shining out from beautiful eyes. But I really want the outside to match the inside.

I don't want to be a size 2. I'm not even sure about a size 10. I just know that I want to change this...this unhealthy body...and make it healthy again.

Grrr...

So. I went to weigh in this evening, at an outside Weight Watchers location. The place was locked down for inspection issues or something, and there was no note telling where the new location was. I got home 20 minutes later, looked online, and found that the new meeting spot was just across the street. Grrr.

At least there is another time I can go - Saturday morning at 6:30 am. Before work.

To be honest, I'm not feeling too great about the past week. Counting the points is hard for me this time (was a breeze 5 years ago!) because of my job, and the time intensive nature of it...sometimes I simply can't take a lunch break, and resort to cereal bars or protien bars, which seriously hampers my points...and I end up needing to consume 10+ points at the end of the day, just to make my target. Which means I eat unhealthy stuff, to make the points up. There's another plan...the core plan (I'm on the flex plan) seems to be a bit easier, but perhaps a little slower on the weight loss.

On flex, I can eat whatever I want, but have to track the points. On core, there are certain foods I can eat (the list is huge, though), and the rest is off limits. A total change of eating habits.

I'm going to stick with flex...try a couple more weeks. Then see.

Later. America's Next Top Model is on, and it's the season finale! WHOOT!

Time Well Spent

Wow. January?? Long time.

But...I must say. It's been time well spent. Working at the Palazzo has been interesting to say the least. I've acclimated to the job of hotel housekeeper...almost all the way. It's easier physically. Most days. :o) I'm making my room quota daily, save for those days when extenuating circumstances exist...which don't come very often anymore, thank God.

And kicker of all kickers - drumroll please! I've lost 30 pounds! WHOOPEEE! I'm seeing a number on the scale that I haven't seen in 4-EH-VER!

I've also joined Weight Watchers at Work. Learning to eat right is not easy. Especially when I run all day and hardly ever take a lunch break. But I'm trying. :o) And thinking of buying a beautiful size 14 sundress...all white with purple flowers around the bottom half. For inspiration. Although...by the time I get down to that size, it'll be winter. Probably. :o) We'll see.

My future looks bright...but the kind of bright that you can't really make anything out because it's so bright you have to close your eyes? Know what I mean? I have a couple options, and am going on a mini-vacation to La Jolla, California to spend a few days praying about them. I'll let ya know.

That's all for now...Dancing with the Stars will be on soon. :o) I love that show, but boy do I miss Maks being on it!

OH! Shout out to Sammy and Carol from Florida! I met them on the bus today, and had a lovely time chatting with them!

:o)