The Face In My Mind

Have you ever missed someone so much that it made you physically ill? Not violently ill, just enough to make ya feel "off" somehow? Like...walking through mud a foot thick, with fog surrounding you so densely that you can barely see a foot in front of you? A nagging headache that has no root, just kind of floats around your noggin in a most annoying way?

I have. And I'm experiencing that now.

He's a friend. Nothing more. Likely never will be anything more than a distant friendship. He's larger than life...but meek and humble. He sees more in me that I do. He has more faith in me than I do. And he always has. I haven't seen him in a very long time. He doesn't live in Vegas, and for that I am thankful.

Every once in a while, I'll have a dream. I'll see his face in the dream...and rarely does one of those dreams happen without there being some kind of meaning behind it...either for him or myself. They don't come often. But I do know that if I see him in a dream...to pay attention. The problem with that though...is that sometimes the meaning isn't clear...and after every dream, a period of time goes by that he becomes the constant face in my mind. I can see his face clearly...for days...sometimes weeks...until finally it fades again, and I'm out of the fog.

A tiny part of me will always wish for more than friendship. And most of the time I can bury that wish and forget about it. But when he becomes the face in my mind...it's a wish that demands attention.

I love these days. To see his face all the time, to know that he is near in some way. I hate these days. To miss someone so much it affects me physically, and to wish for impossible things.

I have a love / hate relationship with the face in my mind.