What do you do when you see someone young, someone you love, heading down the same destructive road you walked down yourself....only she's doing it years younger and light years faster? I don't know what to do about it. I'm sad. I'm mad. I'm not in a place to do anything.
You have to let people make their mistakes...but how far do you have to let them go?
Frustrating.
It's not the weight thing that she's doing...it's the junk that led to the weight thing. She's giving herself away, piece by piece, layer by layer...pretty soon, she'll be wondering who the hell she is, and wondering why life is so unhappy. Because that's where the road leads. No where. No where good. I don't say that because it happened to me...I say that because it happens to everyone trying to use empty things to fill their lives.
I'm angry that life is so confusing and frustrating and hard. I'm angry that she is going to get hurt. And mostly I'm angry that there is nothing I can do about it.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Friday, September 21, 2007
Aye, Aye, Aye.
That's all I got to say. My back HURTS tonight. Worked for a few hours doing inventory at the good smelling place, and spent way too much time bent over counting things near the floor.
Another reason to hate this weight. My back is so messed up...I'm trying to think of something clever and/or funny - some kind of metaphor that will make you laugh, even as you empathize with my pain.
Nothing. It just hurts like all get out.
I hate this weight. All this extra junk I'm carrying around for no good reason. I can't imagine the horrible things it's doing to my heart and my other wonderfully designed internal organs.
Come ON full time job. I need to get to the GYM!
Did I mention that sleeping is not exactly easy to do when you're 130 pounds overweight? It's not. I snore like there's no tomorrow, toss and turn like there's ants in my pants, and wake up every 20-30 minutes like I'm afraid I left the stove on. All this makes for a very, very tired Dawnsy.
So I'm in the office (which is in one side of the house I live in), working. Because I can't yet fall asleep. And I got off the good smelling place 2 1/2 hours ago.
Like I said....aye, aye, aye.
Another reason to hate this weight. My back is so messed up...I'm trying to think of something clever and/or funny - some kind of metaphor that will make you laugh, even as you empathize with my pain.
Nothing. It just hurts like all get out.
I hate this weight. All this extra junk I'm carrying around for no good reason. I can't imagine the horrible things it's doing to my heart and my other wonderfully designed internal organs.
Come ON full time job. I need to get to the GYM!
Did I mention that sleeping is not exactly easy to do when you're 130 pounds overweight? It's not. I snore like there's no tomorrow, toss and turn like there's ants in my pants, and wake up every 20-30 minutes like I'm afraid I left the stove on. All this makes for a very, very tired Dawnsy.
So I'm in the office (which is in one side of the house I live in), working. Because I can't yet fall asleep. And I got off the good smelling place 2 1/2 hours ago.
Like I said....aye, aye, aye.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
"Damn, you smell good!"
I remember hearing that, seeing the guy who said it, and being confident that I deserved the compliment. I had done my usual...dressed casually in shorts and a t-shirt, sprayed some Giorgio on, then sprayed Wild Musk on top of that. Something about my body chemistry mixed those two fragrances like nobodiy's business, and turned noses, eyes, and bodies everywhere I went.
For that particular exclamation, I was in a department store looking for...I can't remember what. Upon hearing the man say it, I turned, smiled, took note of his good-looking-ness, and said, "Thanks!" and walked on, confidence and cockiness in full display, along with swinging hips of course.
Those were the days....the days of being wanted and admired not only for what I smelled like, but also what I looked like. I was what you call a Hot Chick. I didn't look like a model...I wasn't thin and emaciated. I was healthy. Big butt, big boobs, huge smile, brilliant eyes...a sight that caused many a man to lick his lips and shake his head while looking me up and down.
But you see...those were turbulent days for me. I loved the attention...craved the attention...for a while. A year, maybe two...and then it just started to be empty. That attention no longer satisfied, no longer filled, no longer gave me what I wanted. But it was still oh so good and oh so hard to say "No" to.
In retrospect, I am aghast at what I did to my body. I am disgusted at the mutilation of what was once a perfectly healthy package of flesh and bones. But I wanted to be liked and loved for my mind and my intellect...not my body. So what's a girl to do? Ugghhh....my choice was to take away what got the attention. Get rid of the healthy, voluptuously, scrumptiously hot body.
I packed on 130 extra pounds. And there you have it: I am a - FORMER - Hot Chick. What's more...men don't value my mind and my intellect, at least not enough to get past the unhealthy body and ask me out on a date.
Oddly enough, I still get comments. A man watched me through the library shelves once, and came around and said to me, "Excuse me. But I just have to tell you that you have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen." WHEW! And another time, some man next to me at a stop light motioned for me to roll down the passenger side window so he could tell me, "You are so beautiful." But those comments are fewer and far-er between.
Yadda, yadda, yadda, right? So you're probably wondering... "This gonna be a blog about the past or what?" WHAT! This blog is about me...regaining control of my life and body by losing that 130 pounds...and getting back my former hot chick-ed-ness. It's going to be a time of laughter, humor, sarcasm, blood, sweat and bucket loads of tears.
It's gonna be a wild ride, for sure!
Stay tuned for C-R-A-Z-I-N-E-S-S!!!
For that particular exclamation, I was in a department store looking for...I can't remember what. Upon hearing the man say it, I turned, smiled, took note of his good-looking-ness, and said, "Thanks!" and walked on, confidence and cockiness in full display, along with swinging hips of course.
Those were the days....the days of being wanted and admired not only for what I smelled like, but also what I looked like. I was what you call a Hot Chick. I didn't look like a model...I wasn't thin and emaciated. I was healthy. Big butt, big boobs, huge smile, brilliant eyes...a sight that caused many a man to lick his lips and shake his head while looking me up and down.
But you see...those were turbulent days for me. I loved the attention...craved the attention...for a while. A year, maybe two...and then it just started to be empty. That attention no longer satisfied, no longer filled, no longer gave me what I wanted. But it was still oh so good and oh so hard to say "No" to.
In retrospect, I am aghast at what I did to my body. I am disgusted at the mutilation of what was once a perfectly healthy package of flesh and bones. But I wanted to be liked and loved for my mind and my intellect...not my body. So what's a girl to do? Ugghhh....my choice was to take away what got the attention. Get rid of the healthy, voluptuously, scrumptiously hot body.
I packed on 130 extra pounds. And there you have it: I am a - FORMER - Hot Chick. What's more...men don't value my mind and my intellect, at least not enough to get past the unhealthy body and ask me out on a date.
Oddly enough, I still get comments. A man watched me through the library shelves once, and came around and said to me, "Excuse me. But I just have to tell you that you have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen." WHEW! And another time, some man next to me at a stop light motioned for me to roll down the passenger side window so he could tell me, "You are so beautiful." But those comments are fewer and far-er between.
Yadda, yadda, yadda, right? So you're probably wondering... "This gonna be a blog about the past or what?" WHAT! This blog is about me...regaining control of my life and body by losing that 130 pounds...and getting back my former hot chick-ed-ness. It's going to be a time of laughter, humor, sarcasm, blood, sweat and bucket loads of tears.
It's gonna be a wild ride, for sure!
Stay tuned for C-R-A-Z-I-N-E-S-S!!!
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