Confessions of a Former Hot Chick

Happy New Year!!

2011-01-02T18:20:00.001-08:00

January 2, 2011

Dear Friends,

Can you believe its 2011 already? You’ve probably been asked that question dozens of times in the last month or two, but it just keeps hitting me how quickly time is passing these days. I pray this letter finds you beginning your new year with joy, happiness and love in all areas. Aren’t you excited for 2011??? I know I am!! But because I haven’t been in contact with many of you regularly, here’s an update.

2010 was … interesting:

1) After 6+ months of dealing with back pain, I went to a clinic called Active Life Health & Wellness. X-rays showed things were a lot worse than previously thought, and I began treatment there in April. By October, my lower back was in a perfect curve, cervical spine had lost the backward curve, midline was straight, and I entered stabilization care. In this phase of care, we will get the cervical spine curved correctly. :o) Unfortunately, there’s a bit of arthritis in the mid-back that will never go away, but we can definitely stop it from progressing. :o)
2) In June I moved into an apartment. This has been a definite adjustment, to put it mildly. After living with YWAM (while on staff and after) for 6.5 years, living alone has been strange. It’s weird to not have 2 or more people hanging around. :o) But I do like it!
3) In August, college started. I started studying at UNLV, and finished my first semester with a 3.94 GPA. :o) I’m currently majoring in Kinesiology, but am likely going to switch to Nutrition Science. If possible, I’ll minor in Education. Or something like that. Put it this way: I want to be part of the fight against childhood obesity. Somehow. Some way.
4) Work: I just passed my 3-year anniversary of working at The Palazzo, part of the campus that includes The Venetian and Sands Convention Center. We had a really BUSY year. I don’t know how the financial end came out for the company, but my department worked overtime from February through September. Because of my back issues, I didn’t see any of it, but they have promised that this year is more of the same. We start the year off with the CES (Consumer Electronics Show), and don’t slow down again until September.
5) Las Vegas. **sigh** I remember watching March Madness many years ago, and UNLV was playing. I remember thinking, “It’s just weird that there’s a university in Las Vegas! Nobody even lives there, do they?” Like so many, I thought Vegas was only for partying, and that The Strip was pretty much the entire city. Like so many, I was completely clueless! :o) I remain in a love-hate relationship with this city, even after 7 years. However, real life happens here. I think most importantly, God is here. He moves and works and succeeds in transforming lives daily. That in and of itself is enough to make those “I hate Las Vegas” days fewer, and so much more bearable.

2011 – more school, more work, more change, more progress, more LIFE. I highly expect 2011 to be the best year of life, thus far. I have great expectations!! It’s not that the path ahead is fully lit – it’s just that I know Who’s walking with me. :o)

Happy New Year!! And may God Bless you and your family abundantly!!

TGIF

2010-12-27T17:46:00.001-08:00

It’s crazy that 4 days of my job can have me running for relief. Probably because we’ve worked so “little” over the last 1 1/2 months…what with finally being able to use our vacation days, then our department dropping to the bare bones staffing during December (making for a 2nd 10 day stretch of off days)…it’s no wonder that we’re all so sore and tired after our first days back “on the job”. And let’s face it: IT’S HARD WORK. Even a cocktail waitress was telling me to sit down and relax cause I deserved a break after being on my feet all day. (She confided that even though they’re not supposed to sit down, they manage some breaks in their work days.)(Shhh.)(Don’t tell anyone.)(It’s a secret.) So, today is my “Friday” and I’m SO HAPPY. But one thing the past 4 days drove home for me? I have GOT to get serious about losing weight. I’ve wasted years talking about doing it…all that talk means nothing in reality. **sigh** What’s it going to take?

It’s over.

2010-12-26T18:37:00.001-08:00

So, here we are, another Christmas come and gone. I have to say, I’m glad. Christmas is getting harder to handle with each passing year. It used to be my absolute favorite holiday, and it still is…but it really sucks to go through the holidays alone.

Yay. Back to normal. Somewhat.

Merry Christmas

2010-12-24T17:04:00.000-08:00

Is it me, or did we just celebrate Christmas a few months ago? How did this year go by so fast? And how is it that nothing has changed? Lord, help me just get through it. Please.

Embracing Crooked Zippers

2010-11-01T22:06:00.000-07:00

Hey, yeah, so it's been a long time since I've posted. Whoopsy. There it goes again ... that declaration of dedication. See it swirling down that always flushing toilet?? Again ... whoopsy! haha

School is going really well - almost all A's! Such an overachiever! :o) LOVING Psychology - and the professor makes Antrhopology fun. :o) Nutrition is hard, because there's so much in the nitty gritty of it that I really don't care to know...bad yeah? But I'm still getting a great grade! Music is so much fun! I never knew that so much music...if not all modern day music...originated with the Blues! History of Rock-n-Roll is awesome! Sociology. Well, we can't win em all. I'm getting a B in that class, but I'm not really liking it that much. Although it's very interesting that Psych, Soc, and Anthro all overlap so much. The same names keep coming up. Very interesting.

Registration for Spring begins November 17th. Not sure what's going to happen...I'm registering as if I'll be able to take classes on campus. Not sure I will be able to, but have until first week January to figure it out. If I cannot move to overnights at work, I'll have to do mostly online classes again. Which really sucks. That's going to put me behind for Fall 2011. I'm going to start running into pre-requisite conflicts. **sigh**

In my personal life, I've got a lot of crooked zippers** going on. But I'm embracing those crooked zippers...determined to make them work. :o)

And there ya have it folks. An updated blog. :o)

OH! And I got a tattoo!! Pictures to come after it's retouched with more color. :o)

**Project Runway - 1st episode of the just-finished season - one of the designers is known for her innovation in using mistakes. She said "People tell me 'You cannot use a crooked zipper' and I tell them 'Yes you can! Embrace the crooked zipper!'" LOVE this. It's such a motto for LIFE. :o) It's now something I say whenever something doesn't go the way "I" think it should go...which is most everything. ;o)

The "Bucket" List

2010-07-28T16:48:00.000-07:00

Been thinking about life a lot the last few days, and all the things I want to do, now that it feels like my life is finally starting. Soooo....not in any particular order:

1. Get a tattoo.

2. Bungee jump.

3. Live in Morocco - whether for a month or an indefinite amount of time, it doesn't matter.

4. Backpack through Europe, and UK. (Don't want to include them in Europe. They might get offended.)

5. Finish a 1/2 marathon.

6. Sky dive.

7. Become and work as a full time personal trainer.

8. Be married - not just "get" married. But be in a living, breathing, real marriage.

...

That's it. For now.

I'm a David

2010-06-29T19:01:00.000-07:00

I listened to a sermon yesterday. It was a podcast from Riverview Church in Perth, Australia. A series called "God Stories". This particular sermon was about one story but three people. It was the story of Samuel, Jesse (David's father), and David.

Samuel represents people who had big dreams and plans, but something has gotten in the way of those things. Jesse represents a parent who wants the best for his kids, but isn't sure how to go about getting it. (Kinda...I didn't pay much attention to the Jesse part, since I don't have kids.) David represents the one who has been called to something special, but years later still has yet to see it come to fruition.

I'm a David. And I can sum it up in one word: Morocco.

I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am called to be a part of Morocco. In some way. In some shape. In some form. That call came in April 2004. It's been six years, and a couple of months, and here I am, still in Vegas. All my attempts to "get there" have failed. I have even had to lay Morocco completely aside, and let the dream die so to speak, because it had become such a burden - the not getting there.

The pastor from Riverview brought up a very interesting point ... one I'm positive God wanted me to hear ... David was anointed to be the King of Israel when he was a kid. He didn't become King of Israel until 14 years later.

14 years passed between the anointing and the actual Kingship.

14 years.

All those years between were years of preparation. How I've come to loathe that word. But the pastor made one statement that hit me between the eyes: "God says, 'Just because I have revealed a future to you, doesn't mean I have finished with your heart.'"

I've grown weary in the "preparation". Yet I see that I have not been diligent in the preparation. So what I've grown weary in is actually ... well ... me. I've gotten sick of my own shortcomings, and in some ways, have given up.

God won't reveal to me all the ways He will be preparing me for Morocco - or even what the fruition will look like. He has, however, given me a few specific things that I - Dawn Marie Matusz - must take care of before He will release me to it. And I've not taken care of them.

There will be no pledge. There will be no proclamation. There will be no promise. There will be simply this: One day at a time, I will seek His face, and His help, and most of all, His love. He has revealed a future to me. I will let Him work on my heart.

The Ice Pack Hissed at Me

2010-06-26T20:55:00.000-07:00

Pain is the essence of my existence today. From mid-back to hamstrings...basically the back half of my body... is one wall of pain. I had a really good couple of weeks, then took a day off - and whammooo - pain sets in. I guess the lesson in this is: KEEP GOING.

We're working 6 days a week at the Palazzo, but with my back healing and being in therapy, I give it a rest every couple of weeks and give it two days off, thanks to FMLA. Sometimes, one extra day is enough. Sometimes, it's not. This time, I ended up with three.

Went to work in loads of pain today, and worked that way, very slowly, until 1 pm. My floor manager then sent me home because there were no more rooms for me to do. I didn't have to use FMLA (which has been a complete GOD-send since starting therapy), but by the time I got home, I was near tears from pain. Iced, then fixed dinner, than relaxed. Just finished icing again.

I will not be going in tomorrow. And you know? It really pisses me off. I understand that my spine is changing, hence the tendons and ligaments and muscles are changing, and that's the reason for the pain, but still...I'm so ready for this to be done. I guess this is when it's toughest - been in therapy long enough to see great results but get frustrated with pain, and wondering if it's ever going to end.

**sigh** It will end. One morning soon, I'll wake up and feel nothing. And all day long, I'll feel nothing. And I'll come home from work that day, and feel nothing. The ice packs will stay in the freezer. The ibuprofen will stay in the bottle. And I'll go to bed, feeling nothing. And the next morning, I'll wake up and feel nothing. And that will be the start of pain free days. That will be the start of freedom. Soon. Please God make it so.

Because seriously, my ice packs are so giving out! I've known one of them had a hole for several days now...my back is always wet when I remove the ice packs. I just didn't know which one, until today. I leaned back, and the darn thing HISSED at me! AHA! I caught it! It's now in the trash. Stupid ice pack.

Here's a couple pictures from the day. Dinner, Ruppert, and my pretty new tv - still in the box.

I had steamed green beans, crab cakes, and decaf vanilla hazelnut (I think) coffee. :o)

Ruppert is getting SOOOO big. Since being transplanted to a larger pot, and moving to a new home, he has sprouted so many new shoots and leaves, and has even more coming up. He's gonna need a bigger pot, soon. Really soon. :o)

Upside down - it's a Samsung 40 inch something or other. :o) Getting it through PurchasingPower - payroll deduction a little every paycheck. Someday, I'll have a stand for it and be able to take it out the box!!

Ooops

2010-06-18T16:54:00.000-07:00

Okay, it's been a while. 6 whole days. Not that I haven't thought about writing something. Really, I totally have. On several occassions. But alas, fatigue gets the better.

So, here it is, June 18 - can you believe the year is half over?? It was JUST New Year's! Sheesh.

I had re-exam #3 with Active Life yesterday. It's been a painful month, so naturally I thought there wouldn't be much improvement. Turns out, pain is actually a good indicator that things are getting better! Yay! Who knew?

Results: weight differential left to right - even. hips - even. shoulders - even. range of motions - all passes. posture - huge leap forward - getting much better. My neck is still crooked, so over the next month, we're going to do what sounds like a very painful procedure a handful of times to correct that. Not looking forward to that! haha

Overall - it's been a decent week. I worked all my scheduled days, not leaving early once till today. The job was just too much today. I've been relaxing in the bed all day, giving my back a break from doing anything. It's working - no pain! yay! Now it's time to get up and do a few things around the apartment before bedtime. And call my mom.

Here are a couple pics: One is a bed I made at The Palazzo - it turned out so pretty and perfect I just had to take a picture of it! The other is of a book I just finished reading - great story!

Yes, I do like my job.

2010-06-12T18:40:00.000-07:00

I'm a hotel housekeeper on the Las Vegas Strip. 2 1/2 years now. It's been interesting. There have been days when I wonder what in the world happened to the human race. How & When did we get so wasteful? So selfish? So disgusting? Other days I'm surprised. By a super neat & tidy room. A Bible on a nightstand. A generous tip.

It's had it's ups and downs. I've been super protected, I readily admit that. Some housekeepers have seen some really gross stuff, but those things have been the exception in my housekeeping career.

It's a hard, sometimes grueling job. But the exercise is good. And on days like today, when I'm completely focused and intent on doing things right, and am able to finish each task I set out to do, yes, I do like my job.

The Odd Joys of Living Alone

2010-06-08T08:02:00.000-07:00

Here I sit, trying to make a grocery list. This list is a little different than usual for 2 reasons:

I'm trying to be more mindful of waste, therefore trying to make a "conservative" list. I want a variety, but do not want to waste food like I've been doing for so long.
Even in trying to be mindful of waste, it just dawned on me that for the first time in 6 years, the entire refrigerator is MINE. I don't have to share fridge space with ANYONE. That is: Seriously. Weird.

I've been in this place for 6 nights. And I'm coming to the conclusion that I do not want a roommate. I like having the space. I like being spread out. I like not having to be 100% fully dressed at all times in case someone else walks through the common area. I like not having to close the bathroom door when I pee thank you very much! Sheesh! :o)

(See? I wasn't kidding when I titled this "Odd...")

Yup. It's fun. And refreshing. And an incredible adventure I'm enjoying, and looking forward to more of! Yay!

The Wonder of Today!

2010-06-06T18:39:00.000-07:00

Today:

1) I got through a whole day of work - not pain free, by any stretch of the imagination, but 8 hours nonetheless! YIPPEE!

2) I found my 30-Day Bus Pass! YES! YES! WOOOOOHOOOO! That sucker is $65, and it didn't expire till June 17 @ 11:59 pm. I lost it on Monday, and have been praying to find it since! YAY!

3) I got financial aid! Actually, I found out about this on Saturday morning. I've been offered a grant and two loans (one subsidized, one unsubsidized). The grant is automatically accepted because it's from UNLV. I'll definitely take one loan. I'm seriously considering taking both - taking both would mean that I could get through the year without a roommate. And I do like having my space. :o) But the great news is that I got financial aid! YAY!

4) It got over 100 degrees in Vegas today. It's still 105. I left the A/C off today, to see how hot the apartment would get. I turned the A/C on 2 1/2 hours ago, and it's still over 90 in here. **sigh** I would have put the thermostat just under 90 anyway, if I'd left it on. It's not unbearable. It's just taking a LOT longer to cool down than I thought it would. Experiment. Experiment. It can't be cheaper for the thing to be running constantly for 3 hours trying to cool the place down, rather than maintaining it around 85 all day....right?

5) I really like having my own space. :o)

Magazines

2010-06-05T15:46:00.000-07:00

I love magazines. Really love them. I buy them to flip through them, and then set them aside. They accumulate. They breed like rabbits.

I moved all those magazines instead of "going through" and taking stuff out that I really want. I had a whole backpack, a couple drawers, and a couple boxes...full of magazines.

Today, I began the task of going through those magazines. I'm taking out recipes and articles that are informative to my life. I've managed to get rid of a LOT. And still have a lot to go through. But I've started, and yay! That's progress! Woot!

Right now, there's a man working in my bathroom, re-doing the ceiling above the shower from the upstairs leak. Yay. :o)

Switches, Drips, Flushes & Faith

2010-06-03T20:13:00.000-07:00

When you have come to the edge of all light that you know, and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly. ~ Patrick Overton

I have to admit, the past couple of weeks I've been in a funk. It's most likely one of the reasons my back has been bugging me so badly, too. Mental stress manifesting physically, yada yada yada.

I've been opening the Bible more lately - and by more I mean a few times in the last week - way more than before - desperate for God. I miss Him. I've been riveted by the Psalms - mainly because of two particular verses I saw quoted in a book last week. (book title shown at bottom of blog)

"Point out the road I must travel, I'm all ears, all eyes before you. Teach me how to live to please you, because you're my God." Psalm 143:8, 10 (MSG)

And this - part of the dialogue in the book -

"So, if I love God, and I mean really love God with abandon, then I must come to love myself, my life. I need to love my story on a heart level. A story being written by God, the Author and Finisher of our faith. When I start to love my story, with all its messed up twists and turns, then I can love other people who are living out their own stories with all their messed up twists and turns."

And this - another portion of dialogue -

"If I'm going to go around saying that I love God, then I have to trust him and believe that everything in my life first passed through his fingers. Nothing happens outside of his control."

All that combined kind of knocked me upside the head. Did I dare say I really loved God? Because I couldn't say I love my life story, especially not on a heart level. On a heart level, my life story disgusts me. And if that's the case, and if everything in my life has passed through God's fingers...then in a roundabout way - God disgusts me for allowing those things into my life. And when I came to that realization, I felt myself falling off a cliff. Without a hope of landing on something solid - and even less chance of being taught to fly.

I was on my way to therapy. And all I could think was, "Do You really want to do this NOW, God?" I was angry. Livid. Beyond furious. And because He loves me, He let up. It's only now, as I'm typing this blog, that I realize how sufficient His grace has been the last few days - He allowed me to get through the stress of packing up, moving out, moving in, making a major life change, and only now is He revisiting this huge ugly THING between us.

Paul the Apostle said that in order to focus forward, he had to forget what was behind. I can't reconcile that with "loving my life story on a heart level." I know that the two don't have to contradict, and probably shouldn't even come close to contradicting...but I cannot figure out how to do both. One, or the other, maybe. But both at the same time? God help me.

And that is all it takes - three words - "God help me". There's the solid ground I had no hope of landing on last week. Maybe someday soon, He'll teach me to fly.

As for everything else: my AC and oven weren't working because the breaker switches were off (cute maintanence guy was very sweet and didn't call me dumb when he flipped them on), the bathroom ceiling above my shower is dripping from the shower in the apartment above, and my toilet doesn't like to flush. (After vigorous plunging with a pretty new plunger, it finally obeyed.)

This is the book that affected me so deeply - so much so that I'm gonna write a note to the author.

80's Fashion & Music in the HOUSE

2010-06-02T21:11:00.000-07:00

I watched SpaceCamp today. hahaha - it was GREAT. Loved that movie in the 80's, love the movie still. Cheesy? Of course! But it's SpaceCamp! Watching that movie back then really fueled my desires to become an astronaut. Obviously, God had other plans for my life, but a tiny part of me will always wish for the stars.

Today, I did a lot of unpacking. The kitchen mostly. My "clean-eating" determination was derailed by the stove / oven not working. All I have is food to cook. So, since I was still feeling a bit yucky anyway, I ate toast.

Here are pics of the apartment:

Top to bottom: Bathroom (tiny but GREEN), Bedroom, Extra room (for now it will be office/workout/therapy room, maybe someone will be living there someday), Kitchen (spent most of my unpacking time today there), Living room (bare, but the plants are happy!)

Later!

New Digs, New Adventures, New Determinations

2010-06-01T22:18:00.000-07:00

Howdy yo! :o)

Ok, so today is June 1 (a little late on June 1, but still June 1!), and I've moved into a new place. I have my own apartment - free from in-laws (long story), free from YWAM, free from any other obligations & responsibilities except my own.

This. Is. Weird.

Especially considering my age and that it's the first time in life that I'm facing this kind of future.

A new season has started in life, and I'm ready to get rolling. I've got a whole list of things I want to do over the next 12 months (starting with getting rid of the fly that's bugging me right now, figuring out how to turn on the AC, and finding the mailbox) and here they are:

1. Eat CLEAN! No more food court on the route home! No more temptation! YAY! I realize that some of you might be thinking "Jeez, doesn't this girl have any will-power???" and the answer to that is: "Sometimes yes. Most times not." See, my job is a tough job (hotel housekeeper in Vegas...it can be pretty crazy sometimes), and when I'm hungry on the way home, I do not want to cook, or heat anything up, or waste any time of any sort on any kind of food prep. Living next door to the mall made this no problemo - although it was horrible on both my health and my pocket. Now, I'm well away from the mall! and there are a few fast food places around, but not my favorites, and not as conveniently located as the food court was. So one of my "new determinations" is to eat clean from here on out!

2. Healthy Back - Without going into the long story, therapy for my back had been going WONDERFULLY, and then suddenly, it wasn't. I had a 2nd re-exam, which was phenomenal, and then 2 horrible weeks. (btw, I think I just killed the fly.) Partly, this is my own fault. I have been very lax in the home-therapy portion of the program. Tough job, dead tired when I get home, yada yada yada. NO MORE EXUSES.

3. Meet People! I'm in a huge apartment complex - gonna make some new friends! Starting with the beautiful mint-condition bright orange old school VW Bug down the cul-de-sac! (Maybe I'll sneak a picture!)

4. Relationships! I have a place now, so I'm gonna have friends over often! (Once I get furniture.)

5. Weight Loss! Once the healthy back comes in line, in conjunction with eating clean, losing weight will fall in line. I'll be getting back in the gym once Dr. Stanley gives the go-ahead. Yeah baby. :o)

6. BLOG. Beginning today, June 1, 2010 - I will do my BEST to blog at least a little something every single, or every other (at the longest) day. It might only be the weather - or a weird happening at work - or the odd quote, but I will blog something.

7. School! I've applied to UNLV, and am now living literally right next door to campus! YEAH!

So there ya have it, folks. Woot wooot! :o) New digs, new adventures and new determinations! Let the fun begin! I'll post some pics of the new place tomorrow. :o) And I promise not to get all crazy with the colors from here on out. ;o)

What Matters

2010-03-13T18:48:00.000-08:00

For each of us eventually, whether we're ready or not, some day it will come to an end. There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, or hours, or days. All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else. Your wealth, fame, and temporal power, will shrivel to irrelevance. It will not matter what you owned, or what you owed. Your grudges, resentments, frustrations, and jealousies, will finally disappear. So to your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will expire. The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away. It won't matter where you came from or on what side of the tracks that you lived at the end. It won't matter if you're beautiful or brilliant. Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.

So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?

What will matter is not what you bought but what you built. Not what you got, but what you gave. That will matter is not your success, but your significance.

What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught.

What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.

What will matter is not your competance, but your character.

What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone. What will matter is not your memories, but the memories that live in those that loved you.

A life lived that matters is not of circumstance, but of choice.

I did not write this. It's part of a documentary I just watched. The last couple minutes was this monologue. To be honest, it really had nothing to do with the documentary itself, but the words were meaningful, and true, so I wrote it all down. :o)

Better...

2010-02-10T14:23:00.001-08:00

I'm feeling better today. It's interesting how quickly the mind can change and/or adapt. I'm always amazed at the workings of the mind. The mind can be destroyed, but it can also be repaired. Our thoughts dictate our actions and moods, and I for one am thankful for a mind that has been healed from past troubles. It makes bouncing back from new troubles so much easier.

Restless Night

2010-02-09T20:43:00.000-08:00

It's one of those nights. I'm restless. Mind can't settle on a thought. Body can't settle into stillness. Can't pin down any reasons for it ... it just is.

I remember a day when I was a kid. It was a strange weather day. The clouds were gray, thick, and very heavy. It could have rained at any moment, but didn't. I distinctly remember walking out on the back patio, stepping out onto the small bit of landscaping my dad had put together to make the yard look all pretty, and looking up at the sky. It was unlike anything I'd ever seen, and have ever seen since.

There was a hole of sorts in the lowest layer of gray clouds...kind of square shaped...and above that, even darker clouds were speeding past, giving it a rolling look. I'm probably not conveying the crazy, eery look of it all, but it was very unsettling. After a minute of fascinating staring, I ran back inside to wait out whatever storm was coming.

That's how I feel tonight.

It could be that Rich is in Spain, so close to Morocco, and thinking about Spain is bringing up memories and questions and frustrations. It could be that I've gone a couple days without pain killers, and the level of pain in my back shows how much the ibuprofen has been masking, and that's scary. It could be that so many friends and family are experiencing snow, and I dearly miss snow. It could be that I've been cutting way back on coffee, and the resulting headache is making it difficult to think. Hell, it could be that my hair is too long.

**sigh** Whatever it is, I do not like feeling this way. A bear hug would be good right now. Or playing with a puppy.

The thought of tomorrow brings hope that it will pass soon.

World Wide Open

2010-01-07T14:57:00.000-08:00

It's both scary and wonderful to be in a position where the world is wide open to you. When every option is a real option and not just an "oh wouldn't that be nice?". No ties to any one place, no one else to worry about in considering a move, not even furniture to worry about moving.

It's wonderful because ... well, the world is literally open. Anything is possible.

It's scary because ... well, the world is literally open. And anything is possible.

The hardest part is narrowing down the options. And then choosing which option to pursue.

I've mentioned to several people that I'll be leaving Las Vegas in 2010. I've been here - save for a few months here and there - for 6 years. It's C-R-A-Z-Y to think about how long it's been. Definitely doesn't feel like it's been that long, especially since leaving YWAM in 2007. Two years is a long time...but it's literally flown by.

The question everyone asks when I tell them of leaving is "What's next for you?" The only response I can give at this time is "I have no idea." These are the things I will be praying about over the next few months:

1. New Orleans - My cousin and her husband have just moved back to New Orleans to open a community center in the city. I do not know a whole lot about The Center yet, but am excited about the possibilities of "getting my hands dirty" again with at-risk youth and stuff like that. It would also be nice to be in a humid climate again, with rain and thunderstorms and the Gulf so close. I would probably also work as a personal trainer (plan to be certified by then). I would be closer to family and friends.

2. Moving East - generally. Kentucky, Tennessee, Virginia Beach are the three main places I've been looking at, in a general sense. Again, I would try to find work as a personal trainer and basically give myself a fresh start. I would be closer to family and friends.

3. School of the Bible - This is a YWAM school, at YWAM Tyler. It lasts one year and begins in August. I've wanted to take some concentrated time to go deeply into God's Word, and this would give me the opportunity to focus on that and nothing else.

4. Introduction to Primary Healthcare - another YWAM school. It's 6 months, and I could take this course in Montana, Hawaii or Australia. The desire to take this school is tied very closely with Morocco (next option), so I'm not sure how viable this option is at this time.

5. Morocco - no list of options would be complete without Morocco, even if I have let it go. I still believe that God has called me to Morocco, but it became an obstacle, which is the opposite of what it should be. So I let the dream of Morocco die, and will pick it back up only if God directs me to do so. My life is still completely open to going, whenever - if ever - He says go.

6. Children Around the World - This is a dream that has started brewing, that would involve myself and a team of select others. I'm not inclined to go any further into it than that, as it is still just a developing idea. :o)

So, there ya have it. Lots of options. Lots of possilities. Lots of decisions. LOTS of prayer. :o)

Savoring in 2010

2010-01-01T19:07:00.000-08:00

So, it's here. A new year. A new number. And believe it or not, the first day is already almost over. You know...they say "Time flies when you're having fun." I think that's a ridiculous statement. Because time flies whether you're having fun or not. Remember when days were slower? Things weren't so fast paced, so frantic... I miss those days. I think about the small town I grew up in and wonder if time still takes its time there, or if that small town, too, travels at the same breakneck speed as the rest of us.

I wish time didn't move so quickly. It makes it so hard to savor each day. I guess the trick is to pick parts of the day to savor, rather than expect to savor the whole shabang.

So, what are you going to savor tomorrow? January 2, 2010. What about that day will you savor?

Personally, at least to start, I'm going to savor the 1 1/2 hours I have between waking and leaving the house for work. Shower, cook/eat breakfast, make/drink coffee, pack lunch, harvest cranberries on Farmville, have some devotional time. (Not necessarily in that order.) No one else in the house is awake. It's very quiet and relatively dark. Peaceful. Routine. Comforting. It's a wonderful way to prepare for a hard day of work (which is definitely what tomorrow will be). I've never really done it with an attitude of savoring...but tomorrow morning, I will intentionally savor each second.

Savor moments. Don't let the fast pace of life these days rob you of joy in the little things. :o)

Happy New Year!

Thoughts on a book...

2009-12-31T18:19:00.000-08:00

Went to the library yesterday, and got a book called "Thirsty" by Tracey Bateman. Published by WaterBrook Press, a Christian publishing company. I grabbed it because, shocker of all shockers, it's a novel with vampires in it. A Christian novel with vampires in it. Wondering how in the world the author did that, I decided to read it.

And couldn't put it down. I just finished it.

The story is about Nina, a woman who started drinking as a child, because her father was an alcoholic and left booze all over the house. Curious, she would take drinks here and there, and by the age of ten, she was a steady drinker. By her teens, she was an alcoholic. This led to a wild graduation party, an unfortunate incident with sex after a lot of alcohol, leaving town the next day, a pregnancy, a daughter, eventually a husband and another child, staying sober for years, then falling off the wagon and ending up divorced, without custody, and in court ordered rehab in her late 30's. In a nutshell.

The vampire is in the story, but not the center of the story, although he deals with his own addictions, one being (obvious) blood, two being Nina. He found her the night of the graduation party, and instead of feeding on her, he left her where the cops would find her, so that she would be ok. He stayed in that town for 17 years waiting for her to return.

After rehab, she returns, to start over. They strike up a friendship, he never harms her, and ends up sacrificing his own life to save hers when an evil vodoo witch vampire comes looking to reclaim him as her long lost love. End the vampire part of the story. (sorry to spoil the ending)

The book really is about addiction. And there are some thoughts in it that I wanted to write down, so am doing this to share.

"One thing she'd learned - she could stand alone. She battled her demons daily, and so far, every day she was winning. It wasn't easy to make good choices when she'd been making poor ones for so long, but with each right decision, she gained the strength to forge ahead to the next right decision. And even though sometimes the path twisted and she took a step or two in the wrong direction, getting back on track was becoming easier and easier. She'd made the decision to be strong and confident and to find serenity."

That's the last few paragraph of the book, with some mushy reconciling with the ex husband stuff taken out. It resonates with me.

And the author's words after the end of the book:

"With so many inside and outside the four church walls addicted to prescription medicines, street drugs, and alcohol, I knew I would find a readership that understood what I was trying to accomplish. To show that we have power inside of us to overcome. To rise up and say, "Greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world" (1 John 4:4 KJV). Addiction is awful and hard to overcome. But there is a truth that in my own clumsy, imperfect, human way I tried to show. Perhaps the Veggie Tales characters sing it best: "God is bigger than the Boogeyman." What is your "I can't"? Whatever it is, I hope you will dive deep, all the way to the real you - perhaps even to depths you didn't know existed - and pull out a strength you didn't know you possessed."

Hmmmm. Makes ya think. The part I bolded...especially. Who is the real me? Will I ever find all of her? I've scratched the surface...but will have to go - as the author states - to depths I didn't know existed to find all of her.

Glancing Back, Focusing Forward

2009-12-30T17:37:00.000-08:00

2009.

I had big plans for 2009. Lose weight. Get off blood pressure meds. Develop relationships. End world hunger. BIG plans.

And what did I do? Suffice it to say, not much. I lost a few pounds. Blood pressure meds, well at least the doc lowered the dose of one. Relationships...I met a few new people, and got a little closer to a few family members. World hunger...ok, maybe that one's a bit pie-in-the-sky for me.

I glance back at 2009 and recognize the reality of it: 2009 was all about discovery. I discovered a lot of things. Like ... several of my issues stem from generational things, and that I have within me the power to break those cycles. And, being addicted to food doesn't necessarily mean that food has to be the enemy. And, I have NO discipline in most areas of my life. And, there are still deeper levels of forgiving myself that will be required as I reach certain goals in the future. And, I'm pretty uncertain about the future. And, Morocco isn't for me to hold tightly to, but to let go of completely, and God will give it back when He deems fit to do so. And, FRIENDS ARE IMPORTANT. And, I don't have enough of them. And, I'm tired of being alone.

The list goes on and on. I've discovered so much about God, myself, and how we work together, and how we dont work together, and we should work together. Old desires have died. New passions have ignited. Some of which (on both sides) have taken me completely by surprise. If it had all come at once, I'd have been 100% overwhelmed, and probably locked myself in a cage and thrown away the key. Thankfully, it came in bits and pieces, over 12 months, in the year that is called 2009.

So, I guess, in truth...a lot happened in 2009. The question is...what do I do with it? How do I move forward? What do I want 2010 to be about?

DISCIPLINE. It's an ugly word in most circles. But necessary, to say the least.

Discipline in spiritual matters, discpline in eating and working out, discipline in financial matters, discipline in work matters, discipline in health matters...in all those areas, my failures are a direct result of a lack of discipline. That is my focus in the coming year...developing a disciplined life while enjoying the joys of every day as they come.

After years of depression and years of healing, it seems I'm finally beginning to LIVE. Yes, I'm child-like in many ways. But I've decided that the only way to come to terms with that is to embrace it, enjoy it, and continue to grow through it.

2010 is going to be a great year.

Are you kidding me??

2009-09-02T15:05:00.000-07:00

I watched this movie this morning. It's called Disfigured, an indie film about a morbidly obese woman and an anorexic woman who become friends.

It opens with a "Fat Awareness Action Group"...a group of very overweight women (and a few men) who are actually pretty militant in their attitudes about the way other people treat them because they are fat. I'll be honest...I used to be the same way. My attitude was this: I'm a big girl, so what? It's just the way God made me. Why can't you see past the fat to the person? If I'm able to, why can't you? I'm overweight, but I'm healthy.

That's pure bullshit! Obviously, my attitude has changed. A few things these people were saying made me realize just how much.

For instance: You want to lose weight? That's self-hatred. How can you expect people to accept that you're fat if you can't accept that your fat?

RIDICULOUS. Yes, it's a script. But YES, there are people out there that view being fat exactly like this! I've met them! And it PISSES ME OFF.

Being fat isn't something that just happened to me. It's not "the way I'm supposed to be" or "the way God made me". Being fat is something I did to MYSELF. It was a form of self-hatred when I did it. So now, I want to be healthy, and you tell me that I'm hating myself?

Is it self-hatred to want to be off blood pressure meds? Is it self-hatred to want to turn away from the risk of diabetes? Is it self-hatred to want to stop my heart muscle from thickening further? Is it self-hatred to want to be able to run a marathon? Is it self-hatred to want to be HEALTHY?

Get real!

And face the facts. Our bodies are wonderful, miraculous machines...built by a wonderful, miraculous God. They will function through the most rigorous of circumstances...but they can only take so much. He did NOT intend for our bodies to carry 100 extra pounds. Which is why overweight people are at such high risk for so many diseases. It's not about hating yourself for being fat. It's about taking responsibility for your own actions, and taking CARE of your body. Living in obesity is the exact opposite - instead of taking care of your body, you're destroying your body.

I love me. I love my personality, I love my laugh, I love my natural beauty. Do I love my body? Yes, I do, because it's the vessel God gave me to walk this earth. And because I love my body, and because I love God above all things, I am losing weight. Because I love this body, I am going to TAKE CARE of it.

Whatever you do, it's your choice. But don't you DARE condemn me for wanting to be healthy.

Whew. I'm off my soap box now. Just had to let that out.

Back to the Surface

2009-08-28T22:04:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had that feeling...the one where you've been hanging on for so long, dog-paddling to stay afloat, and finally, you're just so tired you go under? And for a moment...it's blissful. No more fighting, no more struggling, no more striving...just peace and quiet. And then suddenly you wake back up and think "WHAT AM I DOING???" And your head breaks the surface of the water, and you see the rescue boat so close you wonder why you didn't just turn your head before to notice it...and the next thing you know, you're in the boat wrapped in warm, cozy blankets and real peace comes.

That's about where I am right now...wrapped in those warm, cozy blankets existing - for now at least - in real peace.

It's a nice feeling.

No format today. I just wanted to get something on here. Something real. I have my laptop back, so am going to (hopefully) stick to updating regularly. I'll be back in the gym next week (YAY), and tracking food again.

So let's see if this former hot chick can finally get back to her fullness of hotness. OH YEAH! lol - as if that makes ANY sense. :o)

It's been a while...

2009-08-08T18:29:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since my last post. But I'm determined to be more faithful to this blog. Maybe I need a little structure. How about...every post includes a few certain things, like...

One Song: (Title, Artist, and why I love the song)

One Insight: (Something I've realized about myself, my life, or the world, even, that may or not be profound)

One Goal: (Something I want to do - a goal or ambition)

These things can be the staples of every post. In addition to my ordinary musings and rantings, of course.

So let's start:

One Song: "Dawn" (Jean-Yves Thibaudet - Pride & Prejudice Soundtrack 2005) - I love this song...it's the opening piece in the movie. Because it's called "Dawn", it also reminds me of myself. The beginning is a little soft and timid, kind of like waking up from depression as I did several years ago. It gains momentum, then suddenly bursts forth - like I did once I healed and began to discover who I am. It ends in a wonderfully restful pace...a pace that speaks of peace and contentedness. Like how I feel about who I am, and who I am becoming.

One Insight: The last couple days, I've realized something. I am addicted to food, yes. Because of this addiction, I've assumed that food is my enemy. Something I have to get control over, beat into submission, dominate. Over the last few weeks, something odd has been happening. I've been watching a lot of the Food Network, and even saw Julie & Julia, and while watching, I'm falling in love with food. I'm discovering a passion for food that isn't present within the addiction itself. I'm learning about food. Growing in my perception of food. And I can see that my relationship with food is starting to change. Although I cannot yet allow myself to get comfortable with food - I still tend to gravitate towards the candy bars - I am starting to look forward to the day - and know it's coming - when I will have a wonderfully HEALTHY relationship with food. :o)

One Goal: Well, I hurt my back last month, and have lost a solid month or so of training and gym time because of it. So the marathon is out. However, I still want to do the half marathon in December, January or February. I have 3-5 months to get ready, and I'm not sure I can do it. It would be a walk/run for sure. But it's a goal.

Okay. That's enough for today. I'm without a laptop for the next couple weeks, so until I get that baby back, posts will continue to be sporadic. :o) Hang in there!

The Biker, The Dress, The Bugg, and Other Stuff

2009-05-16T12:42:00.000-07:00

Howdy!

Things have been going well. Very well, indeed! So, I'm gonna make this update as fun as possible, because I'm just in that kind of mood. :o)

THE BIKER: The other day, whilst waiting for the 109 South at Maryland Parkway and Desert Inn, I saw something that made me laugh out loud. A man riding a bike...a pedal bike mind you...went by, going south. As he passed the bus stop, I saw him lift a cigarette to his lips. He was SMOKING while riding his BIKE in TRAFFIC. How crazy is that??? And what's funnier?? About an hour or so later, whilst I was waiting for the 109 North by the entrance to the UNLV campus...he went by me again (sans ciggy), going north, and did a double take as he recognized me from earlier!! So this stranger made me laugh out loud TWICE within 2 hours this morning. :o) Life is just so much FUN!!

THE DRESS: This lovely piece of fabric (several pieces actually) is my first goal dress. Isn't it beautiful? The picture does it not one iota of justice. I spied it in JCPenny a couple months ago, and melted. Like butter on a hot day. I watched Biggest Loser (wk 17) the other day, and the girls tried on their "goal clothes", and it was an inspiring moment. And then the most beautiful thing happened...while walking by this little darling of a dress, I noticed a "CLEARANCE" sign...and the dress was marked down - $50 to $20 - and because of another sale on top of the clearance, I got it for $15 yesterday. It's a size 11, which is about 5-7 sizes from where I'm at now. It'll be "so last season" by the time I wear it, but that has never stopped me before! I can see strappy sandals and a little make up and a night out. Oh yeah. Who wants to join???

THE BUGG: I'm wearing a bugg on my arm these days! The bodybugg that is! I love this thing. It tells you how many calories you burn, and coupled with the online part where you log your food intake, it gives you a clear picture of what kind of calorie deficit you're working with. I've been shocked and amazed. As long as I eat healthy...I'll lose weight pretty quickly. My deficits are around 3000 calories a day (hotel housekeeping burns 4500-5500 calories a day!!), and I'm eating often, and mostly enough. I consume between 1700-2200 calories a day. I have gone to bed hungry a few times, though. With that kind of deficit I don't think it will matter too much if I eat something late, but since I've not been sleeping well, I don't want anything to muddy the waters in that department. (BTW - Lavender Chamomile (sp) pillow mist from Bath and Body Works works wonders...used it last night and slept MUCH better!) The online part also gives you a breakdown of your nutrition, kinda like a food label. I've learned that I'm consuming way too much cholesterol, and way too much sodium. I had NO idea. My hope is that the bugg will help greatly in this journey of getting healthy. :o) (BTW - it's about 90% accurate.)

THE MARATHON: Erin (my lovely trainer) asked me the other day, "When do you think you'd be able to do a 5K?" Well, since all I've talked about is a marathon, I didn't know what to say. I looked down at my still ample belly, looked back at her, and said, "I dunno!" She said, "Seriously. Do you think...two months?" My eyes went as wide as they could POSSIBLY go, and I looked at my belly again, and looked at her and said, "TWO MONTHS???" She smiled, never ruffled, and said, "I think you can do it." I said, "TWO MONTHS???" She said, "I'm thinking, walk or run or both, and we'll do it together." I stared at her (eyes still wide mind you) for a second longer than what would be considered a look...gulped...and said, "Okay!" This is probably not the convo verbatim, but it is how I remember it. :o) We're both Biggest Loser fans, and were both amazed when the final four contestants did a MARATHON. With 20 days (ish) notice! So basically, hardly any training. And they all finished! Two of them walked the entire thing, but still...they FINISHED. Hokey Ding Dong! And the prize? If they finished, they received $10,000 to give to the charity of their choice. And the satisfaction of knowing they've completed a MARATHON. Then Frauke visited last Saturday. She said, "I think you can totally do the Las Vegas Marathon in December. Maybe not running the whole thing, but you can do it!" I laughed. No, really, I did. But the idea, after these three related instances, took root. I kicked it around all week. And came to this conclusion: I want to participate in the Las Vegas Marathon in December. I might not run the whole thing. But I want to do it. I might be C-R-A-Z-Y. But so what? :o)

OTHER STUFF: I like my toes. I realized this sometime last week, I think. I got some Chacos...wonderfully toe-freeing sandals. I say that because for work I have to wear knee-highs (panty hose that only come up to the knees for you girly stuff illiterate guy types). And because I walk SO MUCH, my poor toes get crunched all day long. By the end of the day, those poor cute little buggers are begging for some freedom. So, when I wear my Chacos, they get that freedom. And watching those cute little buggers wiggle and enjoy their freedom made me realize...they really are cute little buggers. So yeah. I like my toes. Got a problem with that? :o)

I'm thinking of giving up Starbucks for a while. Just thinking. Don't know how far that thought will go.

I am pursuing a Fitness and Nutrition certificate at Penn Foster College. :o) Signed up last weekend. I'm only in the second part of the first module, and have already learned so much! Can't wait to dig deeper! Don't know what exactly I'll do with the certificate...surely it'll help if I do decide to become a personal trainer later.

This is the green tree I mentioned in my previous update. Isn't it perty?

So, I guess that's all for now. Hopefully, you enjoyed reading this and even laughed a little in the process. :o) I hope so! Have a wonderful day, friends!

Hello Little One...Welcome Home.

2009-05-01T20:08:00.000-07:00

I have a photo from when I was younger. My father, brother and I sitting at the kitchen table at home in Maryland. I'm about 4 or 5...and the scene is one of mischief and childish glee. I have looked at that photo and wondered where that girl went...she was happy, she was extroverted, she was in love with life. I asked my mom one day and her explanation was: Life happened to you. Life changed you.

I didn't like that explanation. No matter how true it is.

Today, I was riding the bus, and realized something: I'm smiling a lot these days. For no reason, really.

Crossing the street, walking in front of cars, I smile.

I see an entirely tree-lined street (uncommon for this desert city), and smile with eyes wide in wonder.

I see a little girl be-bopping her way through the crosswalk behind her parents, and grin at ther, enjoying that who-cares-what-people-think attitude...and grin wider when she grins back.

There are relaxed smiles with eyes closed when I hear the birds on the way to the bus stop in the morning.

There are loud, laughing smiles watching birds hop after grasshoppers.

There are giggling smiles when a little boy points out an airplane in the sky...smiling at me as I share in his amazing discovery.

I chuckle to myself as I'm waiting on word of those elusive alfalfa sprouts and see an older man strutting hard through the produce section. (can't find alfalfa sprouts anywhere - and that makes me laugh as well)

Smiles. Laughter.

It's normal.

It's expected.

And as I notice this, I smile wider...and welcome myself back to life.

Sorrow and Joy Part 2 - and a GREEN tree!

2009-04-28T19:16:00.000-07:00

Today was session #6 of the marathon 7. On my way to the gym, I stopped at Starbucks. Give me a break...the bus stop is right in front of the store, and the timing was such that it was either sit outside for 20 minutes, or go in and relax into the wonderful smells and sounds of my second Happy Place. (The first is the library.)

As I walk out of the store, and towards the bus stop, I have a half smile on my face and feel wonderfully relaxed - if not more than a bit tired. I look up and there in front of me is ... a GREEN TREE. The leaves are green, the bark is green, and the blossoms on the branches are bright yellow. I almost stopped in my tracks. This sight took me by complete surprise, and I'd worked at this very Starbucks for several months just over a year ago. I do not really understand why it seemed so, but that tree was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. :o) A GREEN TREE. You just don't see that every day!

Okay - on with the story.Working with Erin has been GREAT! :o)

She's a totally different type of trainer than Anthony, and much better suited to my needs. She focuses on all aspects of fitness, instead of just building strength and muscle. And I love the sessions she sets up - one day we do the front of the body (chest, biceps, core, quads), another we do the back of the body (back, triceps, lower back, hamstrings), another we do the "sides" of the body (outer & inner thigh, obliques)...we do cardio intervals (weights, cardio, weights, cardio), and one day we even did intervals on the treadmill (3 min high intensity, 3 minutes low, 2 high, 2 low, etc). The workouts are varied and cover the entire body, without tiring out one muscle group excessively. I sweat like crazy, but have fun doing it! The sessions go SUPER FAST...it seems like we've only been going for 20 minutes when the session is over.

I've been sore in muscles I never experienced soreness while working with Tony. My back muscles were sore the other day!! And yeah - you may call me crazy - but muscle soreness feels WONDERFUL to me!

When I told her that I wanted to run a marathon sometime next year, she didn't laugh or tell me to try a shorter distance (as did Tony). It turns out that her specialty is training people to get ready for running marathons. :o) Funny how that happens, yeah? :o) She's 100% supportive. When I told her that this whole experience is giving me a desire to become a personal trainer someday, she responded with enthusiasm and encouragement, saying "Think of the inspiration you could be to others!"

So, yeah, having Erin take over my training has been a very good thing. :o)

As for other things...here is a note (in italics) I wrote on my phone before my first session with Erin. It puts my feelings into words better then I could convey now, almost a week later.

It's interesting what you learn about yourself when things happen that 1. Are beyond your control and 2. Send your mind and heart reeling in a thousand different directions, all opposite from the direction they were currrently traveling. It's almost as if, the moment this tragedy (for lack of a better word) strikes, you're afforded the opportunity to step away from yourself and watch each reaction and adjustment unfold. Perhaps this is God's intention...as He allows these heart-rending and heart-breaking events into our lives, He is also allowing us to witness our own growth.

So, what have I learned about myself through this thing with Anthony? For starters, I've realized that I'm no longer unhappy by default. Where unhappiness used to be the "norm" for my emotional state, the opposite is true now. My default is now happy and bubbly. Unhappiness has become an unwelcome intruder. I'm not exactly sure when that happened, but it has. And it is SO good. :o)

Another thing I have realized is how very open my heart is. I bought this necklace - the open heart necklace by Jane Seymour from Kay Jewelers - for that reason - I considered it true in theory, but maybe wasn't thinking it was completely true of ME. It has sunk in over the last few days how very true it is of me. I used to pride myself in being someone who was closed and protected. Now, I can see that the doors have opened and the walls have come tumbling down. I have a very open heart now. Granted, it means I also get hurt very easily, but I would much rather love freely and get hurt than never love and miss out on that joy.

I also realized how painful it is when someone you care about cannot see in themselves what you see in them. So many times in the past people have been on that end with me...and I either could not see what they saw, or chose not to see what they saw. I've never been on this end before. Anthony sees himself in a negative light in many ways...he has no clue how inspirational he is, and he has no clue how worthy of happiness he is. It's painful to hear him say things like "I don't deserve it" or "I'm just a screw-up". The kid is a walking miracle, and he's oblivious to how special he is. It hurts me to see it. And now I have a better understanding of how frustrating it was for those in my life who have been in the same position.

Meeting and becoming friends with Anthony was something worth doing. It ended badly, I guess, but during the time I was interacting with him, I was able to show him what true friendship is, what true acceptance is, and how God loves him. What he did with those things...well, that's nothing I can control or be responsible for. I only hope that in some way God touched his heart through me. Being open was my job where Anthony is concerned, and I succeeded in that mission. The outcome is up to Anthony and God. The only thing left for me to do is let go, and move on.

Moving on....I'm going to try YOGA for the first time Friday. :o) Maybe. There's a class at the gym on Fridays. I want that flexibility!! Is there a difference between a fitness mat and a yoga mat? I have a fitness mat... ANYWAY, I'm considering taking the class. We'll see. I might be too much of a scaredy-cat, but hopefully not. :o)

My 7th session (and last to get the 10 free) is Thursday evening. I'm taking a session break for a week. I'll do the yoga class, walk the neighborhood, do some ab work...but I'm feeling the fatigue today. I've been going hard, and need a little break. :o) After that, it's back to business.

I am very optimistic about the next several months. :o) First goal - go below the 200 line! That's less than 30 pounds away! YEAH BABY!

Sorrow & Joy Part 1

2009-04-27T22:33:00.000-07:00

So, where were we? (those three words look so much alike!) I'm addicted to food. I had measurements coming up. And SO MUCH has happened since then. Measurements went - surprisingly - well. I'd dropped on a couple key spots, and remained pretty steady on the rest, except maybe one or two. Anthony read the note about food addiction, and was very supportive.

And then, just over a week ago, the bottom fell out.

I had a session with Anthony a week ago last Friday (April 17)...it was a good session, and afterward we talked a bit. I went on home after, and went about my day. The next day we had a session scheduled at 2 pm, and I was thinking about going to church in the evening. Around 8:30 am, I received a text message from Anthony asking if we could move our session to 6 pm because he had something he needed to do. I asked why, and instead of giving me a reason, he told me that if I couldn't, he'd have to cancel. I asked him why he was making plans for something when we had already scheduled this session, and then he told me that going in for my session at 2 for an hour and leaving again was a lousy split of the day...so I asked him if it was that or if he really had something to do. He responded with "Here's what we're going to do. We're going to switch you to another trainer. Next Saturday is probably going to be my last day anyway."...

Words cannot convey the shock and panic and ANGER that descended upon me at that moment.

The rest of the day was more of the same. All his replies to my quesitons (all through text) were cryptic and could be taken several different ways and were never straight answers, and sometimes he just wouldn't answer at all. He said he was going to talk to Erin about taking me on, and would let me know how it went. The session ended up being cancelled btw, as he didn't want to do it at 2, and I wasn't changing the time for him. (He constantly did that to me...I put my foot down this time.) We had had 3 sessions scheduled that week - he cancelled two (one because he was sick.)

I calmed down some after a conversation with Renee, but my mind continued to race and my eyes just would not stay dry for long. Sunday wasn't much better, except that I went to church and got to hang out with Kevin most the day. Anthony didn't respond when I asked him if he'd talked to Erin. He was silent all day.

Monday morning, I woke up determined. I texted him "This situation gets resolved TODAY." And a few other words conveying how fed up I was. My plan was to go in immediately after work, to talk to him and Erin...and figure something out. At noon, I received a text from him: "I'm going in in a bit and talking to my manager. Today will be my last day. I've got bigger and better things to be concerned with." I texted him twice, no answer. I called twice, no answer. I was so confused, and concerned. This was such a radical change from the guy I talked to on Friday after our session. Anger turned to sorrow. It was a physical pain in my heart and stomach...I've not felt sorrow like that in a long, long time.

I went in to the gym immediately after work. Anthony was already gone. Erin was there, though...and she let me cry for a few minutes, and then we scheduled some sessions. 24hour Fitness is running this special - if you complete 20 training sessions between March 1 - April 30, they'll give you 10 free sessions. Considering a package of 10 sessions costs just under $600...this is an AMAZING deal. Because Anthony cancelled on me twice that previous week, I still needed 7 sessions by April 30. And it was already April 20. So Anthony's disappearing not only took my trainer from me, but also put me in jeopardy of losing those extra sessions.

I thank God for Erin's positive attitude. We scheduled every single one of those sessions. 7 sessions in 8 days. 2 back to back, making a 2 hour session just last Friday. But we're doing it. There are 2 more to go. :o) She was just as determined as I am to get those sessions.

I realize now that sticking with Anthony would have been a huge mistake. He's a good trainer for someone without a lot of weight to lose. I wasn't seeing results (not great ones anyway) with him, because he was...I dunno, maybe out of his depth? He knows so much about building muscle, and can get someone into that zone...seriously, you should see my biceps! :o) But he never had me doing core training...never had me doing half the stuff I've done with Erin in just a few sessions...and that's one of the main reasons I'm not further along than I am.

Working with Erin has been GREAT!

And that's where the joy comes in...

There's more to write, but I'm tired and need to get to bed. I'll write more tomorrow. I've learned some key things about myself during this thing....

BTW...I've not heard anything from Anthony since his text at noon last Monday. He just disappeared from my life. Without even saying goodbye...

Out of the hole...

2009-04-27T21:41:00.000-07:00

I posted this on Facebook just over a month ago...forgot to post it here...

So, here I am. Month 4. It's been a while since I've posted, and that's mainly because it's been a rough month or two. My food addiction has become very real over the last couple months. Always before, even in the beginning of this year when starting on the road to health and fitness, I acknowledged the addiction with a chuckle and smile... "It's not as serious as drug addiction, or alcoholism...but yeah, it's an addiction."

But recent weeks have shown me just how serious this addiction is. On Oscar night, I ate a medium pizza. And the Hershey's chocolate dunkers that I got with it. I didn't intend to eat it all. But sitting there, watching Slumdog sweep the Oscars, wondering where George Clooney was, squealing like a teenager to see Edward Cullen sitting behind The Wrestler...I ate a whole medium pizza and almost all those chocolatey dunker things, piece by piece, without even noticing what I was doing. It wasn't until I started feeling nauseous that I looked down and realized what I'd done. A couple days later, after a workout with Anthony, I ate a pint of chocolate peanut-butter ice cream. I didn't intend to eat it all. But before I realized it, while watching a tv show online, my spoon was scraping the bottom of the container. Even the last couple weeks - Cadburry eggs have become my evening snack. Not one. But two. Or three. Or four. I tell myself that La Salsa is healthier than McDonald's so it's okay. That regular soda is better than diet because the artificial sweetners are bad for you, so it's okay to drink a 20-oz bottle of Coke. I even hide stuff...candy bar wrappers, etc...and if that's not a sign of serious addiction, I don't know what is.

I am addicted to food. And I can't go cold turkey - like with drugs or alcohol. The body needs food to survive, duh. It's a serious, life threatening, addiction. I put it to Anthony like this recently...after a good, hard, sweaty workout: I'm getting my focus back. But I know that if I don't succeed in losing this weight this year...I'll end up eating myself to death.

What I meant was this: If I fail this year, I will fail completely. I know myself well enough to know that I'll give up. I'll give in to the wacko-psycho-babble-theories that state "This is just how I'm supposed to be." I will convince myself of that, and will cease to care.

This is why I am working with a trainer...keeping my appointments with Anthony at the very least gives me motivation to eat right. But he can't be with me 24-7. He can't hold me accountable to what I eat on a daily basis. Only I can do that. Only I can take that motivation and put action behind it.

So, what's an addicted girl to do?

Pray hard.

Focus hard.

And face down this monster daily, until I pummel it into the ground for good.

God has already given me everything I need to succeed. He has certain plans for me, plans for which He has clearly shown that I need to be healthy for. I have close to 30 more sessions with Anthony before I re-sign (re-signing is a given, because I'm sticking with him until I reach my goal) and he made a statement about those sessions: "I'm gonna kick your ass." I'm counting on it.

I'm overhauling my eating habits - going to the Eat Clean method. (Thank you, Renee, for recommending it!)

I'm using next Tuesday's measurements as a new starting point, rather than letting them be a disappointing testimony to how badly I've been eating the last month.

I will claw my way out of this hole of addiction, and will fight this monster with every bit of strength I have....and rely on God for the strength I don't have.

And. I. Will. WIN.

Doc Visit, Body Shock, The Whole Program, and Fat Cheeky Birdies

2009-01-18T18:17:00.000-08:00

Okay, so Kati is in town. The Fin. And she loves to shop. And run around like a crazy person who's never been to America before. (:o) love you Kati!)

On Friday, my first Friday off thankyouverymuch, she made me SHOP. Well, I should back up a little. First on the agenda that day, I had a doctor's appointment. I felt good about it...she's pushing me to lose weight, and I finally started to do it, so I had a WHOLE bunch of stuff to brag about! :o)

The first thing she says to me is "I can tell you've lost because your face is thinner." High Praise ACCOMPLISHED! My blood pressure is normal, she's pleased that I've not only started working out but changed eating habits completely, and she's also optimistic that I can be off bp meds by the end of the year. She did caution that it could be genetic for me...keeping me on a low dose of one med, but she said "We'll see."

Okay, so back to Kati making me SHOP. We went to Barnes & Noble, sat and read magazines for a bit, then walked to and through the mall, stopping at Bath & Body Works, Payless Shoes, JC Penny, Master Cuts...and then home. In Master Cuts, Kati got some highlights and a haircut, I got a haircut and my eyebrows done. And I suddenly remembered (Although we were SHOPPING, I was having a lot of fun!) I had a session with Anthony at 6 pm. It was already past 4 pm. I called him to reschedule, and in typical Anthony fashion he (jokingly) gave me a hard time about it. We rescheduled for Saturday 2 pm, then talked for a little bit, he sympathized with my having to SHOP, but told me I'd have to buy smaller clothes (awww), and then it was my turn in the chair.

Saturday morning dawned sunny and warm. The Rio Carnival Buffet was on the agenda. Kevin, Kati and I went, we saw prices, we debated going somewhere else, Kati made the final decision. We stayed. It was a champagne brunch, meaning unlimited champagne with your unlimited food. I was SO GOOD at the buffet. I didn't pig out, I didn't get bad stuff, I ate healthy and kept portions under control. I had two sips of champagne, and decided ewwww. And for desert, I opted for the sugar free chocolate gelato instead of the regular.

We left the buffet, Kati and I used the restroom, and then she wanted pictures playing a slot machine. (soooo touristy). And then I started to feel nauseous. Not just a "ooo, I could probably throw up if I tried" nauseous, but a "I am DEFINITELY going to throw up, and must get to a toilet NOW" kind of nauseous. I told Kevin & Kati, ran back to the bathroom, and up came the gelato. Nothing else. Just the gelato. We all think that my body has decided to reject unhealthy, and warn me if I'm getting off track. That the couple things of french fries and less then healthy things I'd consumed over the last few days (to which I'd always tell Kevin and Kati "Don't tell Anthony!") were enough to shock my body into throwing something back up in an effort to defend it's new lifestyle. Well...maybe. That's what I'm choosing to believe anyway. :o)

So, they took me home, and I relaxed until it was time for the gym. I got there a half hour early, and decided to warm up on the treadmill to see how the stomach would react to the activity. At first it was hard going...I was nauseous again (the "I could if I tried" kind this go round), but pushing through it. Anthony came over to me, stood in front of the treadmill, looked at me and said "You're doing the whole program now, you know that?"

I didn't. I said "Huh?" He replied, "I was going to start asking you to come in early to do 10 minutes on the treadmill and 10 minutes on the bike before starting our sessions. And you went and did it on your own. That's really good, Dawn."

:o) Thanks Boss! I told him about the buffet and throwing up, and he offered to basically give me a free session - he'd follow me around as I did light stuff for the day instead of pushing it. I refused (stupid of me I know), and said "Let's go for it." So, he followed me to the bike, sat on the one next to me, and kept me company while I did 10 minutes.

Our session was hard. He had to push me on tricep exercises, but he also kept making me laugh in between sets, perhaps more than usual, to keep making sure I was okay. He also had to help a couple times. But he also said that I'm failing exactly where he's expecting me to fail, and that's pretty awesome. My right arm is way stronger than my left. Where I needed help with the left tricep, I didn't need any with my right.

After the session, I showed him a picture of Kati, and a picture of Kevin - our only way of introducing them since they couldn't get to the gym without losing a good chunk of their day. And I took a couple pictures of him to show them. I made him laugh the first one, and he made me take another one, and told me to delete the laughing one. I didn't, but won't share it with y'all. :o) Then he insisted on one of us together. I look tired and sweaty. He looks like he's going to come out of the picture and get you. Wonderful photo!

OH! And those fat cheeky birdies. There are a group of little birds that hang out at Starbucks at the Fashion Show Mall - where I stop sometimes in the morning before heading across the street to work. They are SO CUTE. I just had to mention them. That's all. :o)

Next session Tuesday. I'll continue visiting the Wellness Center at work in the mornings. And maybe after work as well, when I don't go to the gym. We'll see how that goes.

Have a wonderful week everyone! :o)

Progress & Disappointment - First Measurement

2009-01-15T18:51:00.000-08:00

We did measurements on Tuesday. It was the first time since the first session. About a month has gone by, and there has been "progress made" as Anthony put it. He was pleased. I felt a mixture of satisfaction and disappointment.

So, I lost about 11 pounds, give or take a couple. By my scale, I've lost almost 15, but my weight fluxuates so much from day to day it's really hard to tell. We didn't use the scale at the gym, because Anthony doesn't trust "a scale that 100's of people get on every day." He's right...the calibration is probably way off on that sucker. So we're going by my scale.So I've obviously lost fat mass and body weight.

I've lost about 3 inches from my upper arm and waist. I've lost an inch from my forearm and calf. I've lost an inch or two from my thigh (can't remember which), and gained an inch on my hip - Anthony says that's normal because of all the walking and bike riding I've been doing. My neck and chest stayed the same, which is weird (even he says so).

I'm a little disappointed. Probably shouldn't be, but am. I guess it's because I've done such a complete change from a month ago...my eating habits and exercise habits...even other ways, like mentally and spiritually. All changes for the better...I just expected a more marked change in those measurements. I have to keep reminding myself that inches aren't pounds...that I can't expect big numbers when we're talking about small units of measurement like that...if I lost 5 inches from my upper arm, for instance, I'd look very strange indeed.

Progress has been made. :o) And I'm definitely not quitting. So, progress will continue to be made. Anthony wants me to start doing cardio once or twice a day, since I have access to equipment at work. I've gone into our Wellness Center and ridden the bike two mornings this week. 10 miles each time, which is about 25-28 minutes. I've worked 8 days straignt though, so didn't get in there today.

By stepping up the cardio, and by my really pushing the water intake (a gallon a day, dude...still can't believe that), progress will continue. And Anthony is going to start stepping things up at the gym too...he's putting me on the treadmill with a 4.0 incline and the speed just short of making me jog (meany) and he's starting me on super sets. (I think that's it...two different muscle groups back to back with no resting between.)

So, until next time...lata!

Harsh Words

2009-01-12T19:36:00.000-08:00

I'm tired today. I mean...dead tired. Dragging the ground tired. I haven't worked out since Thursday, and even though my job is a physically demanding one...I still feel the guilt. I'm eating okay...not going crazy with Panda Express or Raising Cane's or even junk in general. I've had a bit of chocolate the last week, but other than that, I'm really not getting enough to eat, to be honest.

When I'm this tired, I get emotional. Working 7 am - 3 pm today was a blessing, but it was still a hard day. I was dragging by 1 pm, barely even getting done by 3. And my request for tomorrow (Tuesday) off was denied, so I'm going to be working 8 days straight.

So yeah, being a little bit emotional isn't good when you're in public.

And this is where the harsh words come in. I noticed a woman on the bus today ... WAY overweight. The term morbidly obsese describes me in clinical terms, but there's gotta be another level of obesity to describe her. She walks with a cane. She takes short breaths through her mouth. And she was testy...a little on the mean side. I noticed her, and then couldn't keep from looking at her several times until she got off the bus.

And I started crying.

Not because I felt sorry for her, or felt compassion for her. But because I'm desperate to not become her. It was like looking in a mirror with a plaque labeling the reflection: "This is you in 5 years if you slack off."

And then, two wheelchairs came on, and I had to stand again. Right behind the second wheelchair, at the same stop, two women and a boy came on. The boy is heavyset, the older woman is overweight, and the younger woman ... bigger than the one who just got off the bus. She might not even have been 20 years old. She stood next to me at the back door of the bus, all three of them actually. And people had to ask them to move to get off the bus.

Then one of the wheelchairs left, and the boy ran to the seats and put them down before the lady was even off the ramp. He took one facing front, the older woman took another facing side, and the biggest girl took up two seats next to the older woman. I watched this, looked up at her, and she was staring at me. The expression on her face was "So? You're fat too."

I got home, exhausted and sore (from work, not from working out), made a salad, and watched the latest episode of Brothers & Sisters online. The ads between segments of the show were for some asthma medication. The two women that were talking the drug up were - you guessed it - overweight.

I wanted to scream at them: "You can't BREATHE because you're FAT. LOSE it and maybe the asthma will go away!"

I'm disgusted. Mostly with myself for letting it get this far in my life and body. But I'm also disgusted with people who think being overweight is just fine. I used to be one of those people who said "I'm overweight, but other than that I'm really healthy." But I've come to learn over the last couple months that being overweight is NOT healthy, nor has it EVER been, nor will it EVER BE.

The damage to internal organs alone is enought to show that, but what about all the other things? Diabetes, inablility to move freely without aid, heart problems...so many things. Not to mention the emotional / mental things.

I'm sick of being fat. I'm sick of seeing fat people everywhere. And I really don't know what else to write, so perhaps I should just leave it at that.

Soreness Bliss and Hello Love

2009-01-09T20:12:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I blogged about this year long "get healthy" adventure. Don't worry, I'm as jazzed about it all as ever. I even have a doctor's appointment on Friday to talk to her and get her on board. I'm sure she'll be excited.

Anthony keeps telling me that the reason we do legs every single session is because it's a large muscle group, and it needs the attention. Well, attention they GOT. Yesterday, I did another form of sqats, with a Smith machine, (google or youtube smith machine squats - no joke), and today, I hurt. (I call it bliss because I love this feeling. It means I'm FNALLY DOING SOMETHING!) We also did leg extentions. And the row machine. There was another one we wanted to do, for hamstrings, but some young kid was hogging the machine. Anthony called it a sacrifice, and I made my face do the necessary grim expression, while inside I was jumping for joy! Inside. All inside. Because by this point, I could barely walk. I'm still eating well, although still not getting enough calories.

We're doing measurements Tuesday, and I'm a little nervous. I can feel / see differences. When I put my face/chin in my hand, I can feel my jaw and cheek bones. And I do that often, because it feels so COOL. :o) My calves seem slimmer. Even my forearms seem slimmer. I'm a little bit more flexible. My stomach seems a little smaller, and according to my scale, I've lost 10 pounds. Yet, I'm still nervous. I would rather wait a couple months. My trainer says, "Don't worry. They've changed. I KNOW they've changed." I guess it's his job to be sure of such things.

He gave me this paper explaining carbs, protein, fat, and water, and what each does and how each is important. He gives it to me, and says "I highlighted the important parts" - with a grin - and I look at the paper and it's basically all yellow. I laughed at him, he laughed at himself, and this is an example of the kind of trainer/trainee relationship we have. (later that evening, I said "Yes Boss" to some direction and then said "Well, technically, I'm the boss since I'm paying you." He thought a minute. Then said, "Shut up.") :o) He's SO MUCH FUN!

Anyway, Did you know that protein helps regulate water balance in the body? And according to that paper, I should be drinking a GALLON of water a day. Sheesh. No wonder I'm always so dehydrated. But a gallon? That's a LOT of water. It's a GALLON. That's a LOT of water!
And I bought this book called Nutrition Almanac. I've not gotten far into it...the first chapter only. But the first section of that chapter walks you through digestion. I'd forgotten most of it. Like - I'd completely forgotten how important the liver is - and felt compelled to apologize to my liver for treating it so badly. And while reading that, I was newly fascinated at the human body, and stopped several times to say out loud to no one - "How can anyone think humans are just some cosmic accident???"

It is SO amazing how the body just knows what to do. Digestion happens without a thought from us beyond swallowing. All the right nutrients go to the right places, in the right way...OH, and did you know that the three energy-yeilding nutrients always leave the stomach in the SAME order? Carbohydrates first, proteins second, then fats, which take the longest to break down. AMAZING.

And the best part of all this stuff that's happened with working out and learning about nutrition...was the talk Anthony and I had yesterday after our session. He told me his story - his testimony if you will - and although I can't give you any details, suffice it to say, God did an incredible work in his life, and I am super inspired by it. He's becoming a great friend as well as being a great trainer. And the more he and I talk, the more I'm convinced that God picked Anthony to be my trainer way back when that kid started going to that very gym 12 years ago at 15 years old. We both had to make a lot of different choices to come to this point, and I'm very thankful that we both let God get ahold of us.

One more thing, then it's off to the bed and watching an episode of Leverage online while I fall asleep. (And who the heck cares if it's only 8 pm?)(Shush.) I got Chris Tomlin's new album - Hello Love - on iTunes a couple weeks ago, and finally listened to it on the way home from the gym last night. This album - in it's ENTIRETY - is simply incredible. Every. Single. Song. Been listening to it over and over again. (I made three roundtrip bus trips between home and work today - don't ask.) Get it. You won't be disappointed.

So, after a long blog...good night friends. Sleep well, and have a most wondermous weekend! :o)

Love,
Dawn

Goodbye, 2008

2009-01-01T20:27:00.000-08:00

2008. I won't miss it. I learned so much. I enjoyed so much. I strived so much. I loved so much. I laughed so much. I cried so much.

But ... 2009? Oh my ... in 2009 - I will learn, even more. I will enjoy, even more. I will strive, even more. I will love, even more. I will laugh, even more. And I will cry, even more.

Life is meant to be lived, abundantly. Love is meant to be given, freely. Laughter is meant to be shared, unsparingly. Tears are meant to be shed, unashamedly.

I am determined. I am focused. I am at peace. I am content. And I am happy.

And God is the Center of it all.

:o)

Love you all.

Happy New Year!

And the Legs Have It!

2008-12-24T18:39:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how much you use your leg muscles. Every movement involves the legs in some way...well, almost every movement. And after the workout Anthony put me through yesterday, my legs are SORE.

Yesterday, after the gym, I went to the library. There are stairs leading up to the entrance to the library. Stairs were my enemy last night. Going up was okay. Going down...not so much. Later, I went to UNLV to see The Nutcracker ballet. There were stairs leading up to the theater entrance. Holy COW. One step at a time with a deathgrip on the railing - only way I made it down without falling on my face! Sheesh.

All in all, it was a tough workout, and I nailed it. I worked hard, and I kicked butt. :o) Anthony is an awesome encourager and teacher.

I love the place I'm in. There's a determination and an eagerness in going forward that's never been in me before. Today, I thought about the future a bit. The next time I go to Morocco, I'll be able to play futbol with the kids. I'll be able to get down in the dirt and have fun, with ease. I'll be able to run. And I'll be a walking testimony to health and vibrancy and life-change.

Until next time.... MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Blowin' it OUT!

2008-12-19T20:46:00.000-08:00

This evening was session 2 with Anthony. :o)

We worked on shoulders and back, and then did more crunches on the big squooshy ball.

My arms are tired, to say the least. And I'm getting over the fear of Mr. Squooshy. I didn't even strain with my legs to hold myself in place this time. And he had me do 3 1-minute sets. :o) LOVE IT!

At the end of the session, he said "For the first time...you blew it out. Good job." :o) Fun fun fun.

And yesterday, I went to the gym and walked 2 miles on the treadmill, using up to a 3.0 incline.

The biggest hurdle I'm facing is something you'd think would be easy for someone like me, especially being addicted to food and all. I'm not getting enough calories. The last couple days I've averaged about 1600-1800 a day. Anthony told me that that is WAY too little. He wants me around 2000 a day, even 2200 for the first couple weeks. Problem is, I'm not hungry, and I'm eating 5 times a day. I've cut out all fast food, and am not eating all fat free or light, although some things are. I'm eating a lot more fiber, hence not being as hungry.

So, yeah. Gotta figure out how to get more calories, without going unhealthy. Sheesh.

The next session with Anthony is Tuesday afternoon. Till then I'll be treadmilling it daily. :o) I'm thinking 2 miles is a good target daily, although I may try to go a little more sometimes. I don't want to overdue it, but doggone it, it feels SO good to be moving! I just can't wait till I can RUN again! THAT is going to be SO MUCH FUN!

Otherwise, things are going well, and I'm super excited to be on the road to health!

Till next time!

Stronger than Before & Motivated for Change

2008-12-16T21:39:00.000-08:00

Today I met with Anthony at 24-Hour Fitness. He's this huge guy, body builder type, but very nice, funny, and promises to work me hard in our sessions.

Our session today was mostly paperwork. Measurements, evaluations, and then a little bit of time on the floor "seeing what you're made of" (his words).

That 20 minutes was very encouraging.I'm stronger than I was the last time I was in the gym. The weights he handed me were easy. He had me do some back, biceps and triceps - four different exercises - and then one more...some pull down thing where you spread your arms as you pull the thing down. Can't remember what it's called. He pushed me to the point where I couldn't pull it down anymore...and then took me over to a machine, telling me it was going to be fun.

I stood looking at that thing wondering what in the world it was, and what I was supposed to do with it. It's a chin up/ pull up machine. And it IS fun! And I did chin ups...lifting my body weight only, but still...that's a flippin lot of weight. Anthony was impressed at how well I did.

Then he took me to the most dreaded thing for me, something I've never done because I've been afraid of it. Crunches on the exercise ball. That big squooshy thing that surely would fly out from beneath my butt as soon as I tried to do a crunch. He goaded me on...teasing me a little about the fear, and pushed me to do it, not taking no for an answer.

And I did it. 2 minutes worth of crunches. I haven't been able to do crunches in longer than I can remember, and that big scary squooshy ball made 2 minutes of 'em seem easy.

So, he told me that he has a great idea of what kind of program to put me on, and Friday we hit the ground running with the entire session. :o) I'm excited!

And now, here I sit, watching The Biggest Loser finale - and have been in tears more than once. I've made a goal of being off blood pressure meds completely by the end of 2009. One contestant on the show was on 5 medications when he started. Within weeks, he was off all of them. He no longer has high blood pressure, high cholesterol, or diabetes. Another contestant was in the worst health they've ever seen on the show - a 50-something year old man who's "inner" age (body-wise) was over 70. They did the same tests on him just recently, and at the finale the doctor told him that his "inner" age is now 52. That man has come off all his medications, and gained back 24 years of his life.

My goal of being off bp meds by the end of 2009 seems ultra conservative now...but it is SO ENCOURAGING to know that it's possible. This is going to be so much fun!

Erasing the Neglect of 17 Years

2008-12-15T23:20:00.000-08:00

How exactly do you do that?

I guess, in some ways, it's un-erasable. For instance, the damage to my heart is irreversible, barring a miracle from God - which I totally believe can happen, don't get me wrong. The experience of being overweight for so long means a lot of missed opportunities, some of which will never come around again. I believe that if I hadn't been overweight, I may have been in a better place within my marriage - or even before meeting him, and maybe wouldn't have gotten married at all...meaning no divorce and dealing with that over the years. Those things, and others, are un-erasable.

On second thought...it's all un-erasable. And that's okay with me...I just realized how exactly okay that is with me. Because all the experiences over the years, beginning with the beginning...they have all led up to this day. This time. This experience. And I wouldn't be the person I am today if those experiences hadn't happened.

However.

This is the day I say, "No more." This is the day I say, "This will change." This is the day I say, "I believe in miracles." This is the day I say, "I believe in myself."

Most importantly, this is the day I say, "I believe in the ability of God to give me the strength to make permanent changes in my life."

And those changes may not erase the neglect of the last 17 years...but they sure will make the rest of my life a glorious testimony to the COMPLETE power of His redemption.

Tomorrow, December 16, 2008, is my first appointment with a personal trainer.

I'll keep you posted on the progress.

Taking Control

2008-10-21T05:20:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I'm wide awake at 5 am on my "weekend". There's something very wrong with this picture!

Anyway, the other day, I went through ALL the food in my pantry, in the fridge, and in the freezer. I learned something about myself:

I know how to eat properly. I know what's healthy. I know how to put that stuff together to keep it healthy. I just don't DO it.

As such, I've come to this conclusion:

Knowledge is power ONLY if you use that knowledge.

In other words, knowledge is just like potential. If it's not put to use, it's useless.

So, with that list of food items in hand, I made a menu for two days, and learned something else.

I don't eat enough. With Weight Watchers Flex plan, I'm alotted a certain number of points per day. (36 because of my physically demanding job - which I decided should be lowered to 30 on my days off.) The menu I made for yesterday, 3 meals with 2 snacks, only gave me 21-25 points. WHAT??? Sheesh. You mean I have to eat MORE???

So, instead of buying light butter, I bought regular. Instead of buying fat free milk, I bought 2%. These two little items will only give me a couple more points a day, but hey...I need all I can get!

Ugghhh. I learned something yesterday too....I ate the breakfast I planned, the snack, the lunch, the next snack... And always by the time the next bit of food was due, I was hungry. It's strange, because usually I can go the entire day after eating breakfast without anything. But I made sure to stick to the plan, and drank a lot of water. And I was consistently hungry. The only thing I can gather (without formal nutritional counseling or schooling) is that if I'm fueling my body with healthy things, and fueling it consistently (i.e. not taking 12 hours off), my body is consistently burning, therefore, getting the whole "feed me semore" thing going every few hours.

And wonder of all wonders...I had an amazing amount of energy at the end of the work day. Enough to go straight out and see "The Secret Life of Bees" (which is the best movie I've seen all year, btw.) And usually, I'm coming straight home and going immediately into a lethargical state.

So, we'll keep it up. And see how it goes. :o)

Nanowrimo 2008

2008-10-19T15:18:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again. :o) And although I didn't get off the ground with this story last year, I'm determined to do it - and finish! - this year.

Merry Christmas, Mr. C

Main Cast:

Jasmine

She's an independently wealthy (by way of her strike it rich parents) youngish woman who grew up in Las Vegas and still calls the city her home. She's surrounded and supported by a group of close friends (including her brother). Jasmine spends her days at various Starbucks' around the city, using the non-confrontational setting to build a very thorough character database for the sole purpose of writing a best-selling novel - someday. She also has an ... unhealthy? ... obsession with George Clooney, and is on a mission to get the best ever Christmas present for this man who can have anything he wants. She'd also like to have coffee with him, because let's face it...an internationally acclaimed actor would be a fantastic addition to her database.

Johnson

Johnson is a newcomer to Jasmine's world. Yes, of course. She interviews him. I'm not really sure what he does as a profession, because he hasn't told me yet. So writing his story line will be quite an adventure. I do know that he meets Jasmine by answering an ad she runs routinely in the paper, but he isn't exactly what he seems to be.

Despite his reluctance to give me any information about himself, he has made it clear that he will be an integral part of the story...as in the male lead. He meets Jasmine, gets involved with her life, her friends love him, her brother approves of him, and all is well. Or so it would seem...cause when it comes right down to it, no one really knows much about Johnson.

Abigail and Jeremiah

The married couple among the friends. Abigail is one of Jasmine's best friends. Jeremiah is a member of the group by way of dating and marrying Abigail. They've been married for going on 5 years, and do not have children. They are determined not to have children. They do not ever want children. Ever.

Abigail is a high school teacher (hence her aversion to kids - they all become selfish spoiled brats!). She's the obnoxious one, loud and witty without being overbearing.

Jeremiah is a tower manager at one of the hotel/casino/resorts on the Strip.

Mason and Katelynn

These two have been tip-toeing around each other for several years, dating other people in hopes of "getting over" each other, because everyone knows that dating can ruin a wonderful friendship, right? Right?

Katelynn is Jasmine's other best friend (the three have been close since elementary school), and perhaps the shy-est of the three friends (which is probably why she hasn't made a move on Mason yet). By profession, Kate is a used book store / coffee shop owner. She does not sell Starbucks products in her store, and constantly teases Jasmine about her betrayal in all things coffee.

Mason has known the girls since he moved to Las Vegas in high school, when he became a good friend of Derrick, Jasmine's brother. He is a fashion designer by profession, and is determined to make a name for himself as one of the few straight male designers in the business. It would help if he had a steady girlfriend.

Sabrina and Derrick

Sabrina, like Johnson, is a newcomer to the group of friends. She works in the same hotel as Derrick, and after they meet, he starts bringing her to the group's weekly family dinners. She gets along well with the entire group. She's a pastry chef, and hopes to own her own bakery someday.

Derrick is Jasmine's twin brother. He's an executive chef in a top rated restaurant on the Strip, with no aspiration to own his own place. He loves his job, admires his boss, and he loves Las Vegas. Life can't get much better than this, can it?

Sabrina and Derrick love each other's company, and quickly become great friends. They are NOT a couple...yet. But who knows?

So there you have it. :o) The main cast of Merry Christmas, Mr. C. :o) It'll be fun to start working with these characters, as I learned so much about them just in writing this cast list!

"Pre-Diabetes"

2008-10-19T15:06:00.000-07:00

So, the doctor referred me to a dietician. Well, the place she referred me to is a Diabetes Clinic, and she wants me to participate in a "pre-diabetes" workshop. A 4 hour class on how to change eating habits and prevent moving into diabetes.

It's all great, really. I even bought an easy-to-read book on prediabetes at Borders the other day.

But she never told me she thought I was pre-diabetic. She told me my blood sugar was in the normal range when we did a blood test months ago.

Regardless, coupled with the heart issue (described in my previous post), I'm sufficiently awake (as in wake up call...work with me here people!). I went through all the food in my pantry today, wrote it all down, and realized that all in all, I have some decent stuff, and more than enough to begin eating better. I went to the store to supplement a couple items, and even made out a menu for Monday and Tuesday.

So here we go. Again. Will this time stick? I sure hope so. We'll see.

Oh and btw - my doctor doesn't want me to "work out". She wants me to walk. And that's all. Walk. She doesn't want me doing too much too soon. And my work is enough strenuous exercise for now. So walking it will be. Although, I think I'll add some abdominal workouts, and some stretching, and maybe a bit of hip hop dancing (workout dvd I bought a couple years ago). But nothing too strenuous. :o) If it's fun, it's not strenous, right?

Perhaps by this time next year, I'll have regained my "hot chick" status. :o)

Wake Up Call

2008-10-09T19:16:00.000-07:00

So, I've been seeing a doctor for the last few months. Not socially. HA! No, I've been going to the doctor for high blood pressure. Over the last months, she's done numerous blood tests, put me on medication, had me get an echocardiogram, and changed my medication once.

Yesterday was my latest appointment. She gave me some news that shocked me, although it probably shouldn't have.

She told me that the reason she'd switched my medication was that the echo showed thickening of the heart. Which means my heart has been working too hard - because of the high blood pressure and because I'm so overweight. The blood pressure is now under control...but if I don't lose weight...well. It won't be good. When she said "it could lead to heart attacks, or, well. Heart failure." I wanted to cry.

What have I done to myself? It was a wake up call.

I've been thinking about it since...and all the ramifications (that may or may not be the right word). I mean...with God all things are possible. But suppose God decides to let it remain, and chooses not to miraculously reverse this seemingly irreversable condition?

It could mean my life will be shorter than God originally intended for it to be. It could mean that - being an organ donor - my heart is nontransplantable, which cheats someone out of a healthy heart. It will mean that if I were to marry again, my husband would have to deal with the knowledge that my selfishness, laziness, and procrastination in overcoming addiction to food has cheated him out of a few years with his wife. Same with any children we may have.

In other words...this doesn't just touch me. It touches everyone in my life. This is no longer something I've done to myself, but something I've done that affects others.

So, I'm going to a dietician. And I'm going to try. I haven't been trying. But it's no longer something I can be blase about. I have no choice. I have to lose weight.

It's pretty serious now.

Oh What A Night!

2008-07-09T01:28:00.000-07:00

It's half past 1 am, and I've just returned home from a wonderful evening.

First off, my companion for the evening was a great guy named Rich, in the States for 6 weeks this summer by way of England, helping with YWAM Las Vegas's Mission Adventures program. He's great fun - a hilarious young man worth spending a few hours with. We talked a lot, I laughed a WHOLE lot, and I'm glad to have bestowed my free tickets on him this go round. (Last time was Tiffany, time before that was Kevin. Next time...who knows!)

So, we went to dinner first. We chose "Woo", an Asian fusion restaurant located on the second level of The Shoppes of the Palazzo (thanks to my being a Palazzo team member, we got 50% off the check!). The waiter was very knowledgeable and helped us pick out some great dishes. I highly recommend Woo. Get the Wootini. Good drink. Although the portions were small, we left feeling...satisfied. And it's a beautiful restaurant. With rocks and chopsticks. (Although, after leaving the show, we stopped by Jack in the Box. We were hungry.)

We took a walk around for a bit, then sat in the Salute Lounge for a drink, while waiting for the theater to open up. I'm pretty sure it used to be called the Zebra lounge, but they changed the name before opening. I can't remember. I do remember them saying they didn't like the zebra printed pillars and that it was going to be changed before opening, but it's all still there. Anyway, there was a band playing, mostly 80's music. They were pretty good, and it was clear that they loved what they were doing. They were enjoying themselves as much as the crowd.

Then...

WOW. That's all I can say. Well, not really, but that's what I must start with. Jersey Boys was AMAZING. It's the story of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. The singing...wow. The sets...ingenious (everything - what there is of it - is on wheels, and the cast wheels it on and off stage for the appropriate scenes). The story...riveting. I LOVED IT. It was - to be brutally honest - MUCH better than I was expecting it to be. It helps that the music is so familiar. Even Richard, who didn't know who had sung the songs, knew of the songs. Constant singing, constant moving, and it was also very funny in spots. I highly recommend Jersey Boys...whether you're in New York, Chicago, or Las Vegas....GO SEE IT!

And they had fun. At the end, right after curtain call, the entire cast sang "Oh What A Night" again, and they were all smiling and clapping and dancing, and we were all smiling and clapping...and it was a wonderfully cheerful moment.

So, thank you Palazzo for giving me the tickets. I will do my part and recommend it to all the guests I speak with.

Thank you band, for being a good 30-40 minute sit down.

Thank you Mr. Woo Waiter (can't remember his name!) for being so knowledgeable on what's served where you work.

And thank you Rich...your company and stories made the evening 100x more enjoyable than if I'd gone alone. :o)

Whew. It's time for bed though. I had two drinks tonight, and it's now going on 2 am - about 5 hours past my usual bedtime. ;o)

G'nite!

I want this...

2008-06-30T23:08:00.000-07:00

Pride & Prejudice - I've watched this movie twice in the last 7 days. The newest one, with Kierra Knightly.

The story stirs something in my heart, something that I'm scared of, something that I've always suspected was there, but never wanted to come face to face with it. I'm not a girly girl, and don't fancy myself the kind of woman who wants to be in love for the sake of being in love. Quite frankly, most men scare me, and being around most men is difficult at best these days. It's rather surprising to realize that there is still this ... thing ... in me that is growing day in and day out...

It's this desire to meet a man who challenges me in every way, spurring me to be a stronger woman and a stronger Christian, even while vexing me with the surety of his own strength...something akin to arrogance, I suspect. It's the desire to meet a man who sees me, with all my faults, and finds me irresistable - intectually and spiritually. It's the desire to meet a man who respects not only the appearance of purity, but also the action of purity - even while wanting to kiss me senseless. It's this desire to meet a man who appreciates that I can be all those things to him as well.

In the most simplest words, it's the desire to be loved wholly, as I am, with no pretense.

I want this.

Don't get me wrong...I do not need this. I have been single for a long time, and will remain so for the rest of my life, if that is the life God has chosen for me. I do not need a man in my life.

But...I do want this.

I have been single for a long time, and although the wait is more difficult some days than others, wait I shall. And pray that my affections are held in check until the right man...the man I described above...makes himself known.

At that time...I will smile, laugh, take his hand, and be happily content to spend the rest of my days with a man who will continually spur me to become an even better version of myself.

To Hotel Guests

2008-06-24T20:23:00.000-07:00

Housekeeper Pet Peeves:

1. There are three trash cans in your suite: one in the bathroom, one in the bedroom, and one in the living room. Use them for trash. That's what they are there for.

2. If you must leave your dirty underwear on the floor, at least put it in a laundry bag and put it on the floor of the closet.

3. A non-smoking suite is a non-smoking suite. This means that you are not supposed to smoke in it. If you need to smoke, go to the casino or request a smoking room. We understand that the smoking floors smell like smoke, and the suites on those floors smell like smoke, but in all honestly, once you smoke once in your suite, it stinks just like those rooms on the smoking floors. If you don't like the smell...QUIT SMOKING. Duh.

3. Do NOT under any circumstances smoke illegal drugs in your suite. We can tell when it happens. There is a distinct odor. DUH.

4. Used condoms belong in one of the three trash cans mentioned in the first point. Not under the bed skirt.

5. Do not take towels and amenities off the housekeeper's carts when they aren't looking. You are not the only guest in the hotel, and we will give you any extra stuff you need if you ask. Housekeepers have other suites to clean, and need the things on their carts to do their jobs.

6. If you do not want to be woken up at 9 am, put your "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door. Put the sign on the OUTSIDE of the door, so the housekeeper can see it. Otherwise, don't be angry or disgusted when the housekeeper knocks on your door and walks into your suite waking you up.

7. Yes, parties are part of life. But if you trash the suite, please at least leave a tip for the housekeeper. It's rude to expect someone to spend two hours in the room after you've left trash all over the floor, moved all the furniture, spilled alcohol all over the place, and thrown up everywhere except the toilet...and leave nothing. Have some class. Apologize by leaving a tip.

8. The bathtub is not an alternate toilet. Please to not urinate in the bathtub. That's just gross people. That's just gross. Do you have ANY class at ALL??

9. We understand that $25 extra dollars for every person over 2 in the room is a very steep price to pay when you're already paying $300 a night for one of our suites, but please be honest and above board. It helps the housekeepers to know how many people are in the suite. To find 6 disgustingly dirty people instead of the one person on the reservation only sets them back and adds more stress to an already unbelievably stressful job.

10. Everything in your suite is for your use. But do you have to hoarde amenities? Do you honestly think we don't realize that you're not actually using the stuff, but taking it home to your wife, or taking it home for your bathroom? Speaking of your wife, are you taking the prostitute trading cards you've collected home to her as well?

11. Lastly, daytime housekeepers typically work from 9 am - 5 pm. This means that your suite might not be cleaned until 4:30 pm. It's basically the luck of the draw, ya know? Our housekeepers clean 11 suites a day, and each takes anywhere from 20-45 minutes to clean. (Double that for trashed suites.) Which means that there is no way in hell that the housekeeper will have ALL eleven rooms cleaned before noon. Be patient. Do not yell at the housekeeper. And don't be selfish, expecting your suite to be cleaned first everyday. Especially if you do not leave the suite until 2 pm, and return at 3 pm. Chances are, she didn't even know you left. Give her a break, will ya? Sheesh.

12. We have 7 pools. You don't need to bring your own and set it up on the bathroom floor. (Yes, someone actually did this.)

Please explain this to me...

2008-06-10T22:11:00.000-07:00

Las Vegas summers are hot. We all know that. It's not been that bad yet, but it's starting to heat up, finally. And the warnings are going around -

"DON'T LEAVE YOUR KIDS IN THE CAR!"

So explain to me why a child died, a 4 year old boy, after being left in a car by his parents and family? FOR 17 HOURS?????? SEVENTEEN HOURS???? And explain to me PLEASE, how the parents can just pass it off as an oversight?? And how the DA can say the law PROTECTS them unless it's PROVEN that they INTENTIONALLY NEGLECTED the child?????

I'm not unreasonable. I'm sure that with eight kids, it gets kinda hectic - especially getting into and out of the car. And to be honest, I could understand the term "oversight" if it had been a few hours. And in our heat, a child can die in a closed up car pretty quickly.

But SEVENTEEN HOURS? How do you NOT notice a child missing for SEVENTEEN HOURS???

This is too much. This is just too much for my brain, for my HEART, to digest. In fact, it makes me want to vomit.

The father said "You do everything right for 21 years, and then something like this happens." What an excuse.

YOU KILLED YOUR SON! There IS no excuse for that.

Baby-Faced Teddy Bears & The Digital Age

2008-06-05T16:10:00.000-07:00

Okay, so there's this guy on the bus in the mornings - weekday mornings. If I ride the early one (which means I didn't eat breakfast at home, but am eating at work), I see him. He's tall and thick, has the most gorgeous baby face I've ever seen, the chocolatiest chocolate brown eyes (which look gentle and kind), and looks like a huge teddy bear. The first time I saw him, couldn't take my eyes off him. He wears an iPod shuffle, like me, but different color, and stares straight ahead. One time he sat across from me - facing me, and I was so fidgety it got on MY nerves.

Anyway, we spoke for the first time the other day. He came up to the busstop, the bus had just left, and I said (very intelligently) "You just missed it." (I was waiting for a ride, but regretted that as soon as I saw him walking up.) He said, "Yeah, I know. I missed it twice back there." (Motioning to the other busstop a block back.) And....that was it.

His voice is deeper than I'd have thought. But I would LOVE to hear it again.

I tried. Really I did. I tried to talk more to him. Loads of questions, like why does he go to the Apple store at 7 am when the mall doesn't open till 10? And how is it that he's lucky enough to work M-F with weekends off? How old is he? (I swear he's only 15.)(Okay, maybe 20. But that face...he can't possibly be over 25.) Does he receive commission at the Apple store? (If so, I'd totally buy my MacBook from him when I buy one.) Can I just...have a hug? A nice long one? Please Mr. Baby-Face Teddy Bear?

**sigh**

Oh, yeah, and I bought a digital camera today. I've finally joined the digital photography age.

It's amazin...

2008-05-30T18:15:00.000-07:00

what you might find yourself doing for some good ole human contact.

I was so tired after work today that I almost asked this big muscular guy next to me if I could lean on him for a while. Almost.

I'm gonna take a bath and go to bed. G'nite.

Healthy Again.

2008-05-15T20:16:00.000-07:00

First of all - SUPER CONGRATS to Whitney for winning America's Next Top Model - size 10 and confident in herself, she was my favorite all the way.

Okidoki, that's out of the way.

The last weeks, riding the bus, walking around town, doing normal Dawnsy things that Dawnsy normally does...I've been thinking a lot. About my life, about my weight, about my body, about my face. Remembering some things...

Like the time a few years ago, right after I got back from Brazil. I went to the library. And a stranger saw me through the shelves...spaces between books...a man...and stared at me. Then he came around the end of the shelves and said "I just had to tell you. You have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen." I was shocked, and amazed, and blushed, and smiled, and said "Thank you." The next day, someone honked at me in traffic, stopped at a red light. He was in a VW bug, I was in a 15 passenger van. I rolled down the window, thinking he was going to ask for directions. He stared at me...awestruck it seemed...and said "You are beautiful. I just had to tell you that." My heart stopped, started again, I blushed and said "Thank you." And smiled. And the light turned green.

I think it was the peace that was radiating from my face in those few days after returning from an extended time away. Or maybe there was just a look about me then, in those couple of days, that made men stop and stare. I hadn't lost any weight in Brazil. Was still hovering around 250-260. It wasn't my body, that's for sure.

Nowadays, I observe people around me. I'm invisible to most. Repulsive to some. I find myself taking off my sunglasses, wondering if anyone will notice my eyes again. And although some do, as I can tell from the second glances after an initial moment of eye contact, no one ever speaks.

I don't like being invisible. I don't like feeling as if I should apologize to the person sitting next to me on the bus. I don't like what I did to myself, how I let myself go. I don't like the damage being done every day to my organs, because the weight is coming off slowly. I don't like knowing that my father would be so disappointed in my still being so big. I don't like seeing others like me...with their noses in the air acting as if it doesn't bother them, even as they try to make themselves as small as possible to make other people comfortable.

Don't get me wrong. I look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman. A beautiful face. And a beautiful heart shining out from beautiful eyes. But I really want the outside to match the inside.

I don't want to be a size 2. I'm not even sure about a size 10. I just know that I want to change this...this unhealthy body...and make it healthy again.

Grrr...

2008-05-14T19:46:00.000-07:00

So. I went to weigh in this evening, at an outside Weight Watchers location. The place was locked down for inspection issues or something, and there was no note telling where the new location was. I got home 20 minutes later, looked online, and found that the new meeting spot was just across the street. Grrr.

At least there is another time I can go - Saturday morning at 6:30 am. Before work.

To be honest, I'm not feeling too great about the past week. Counting the points is hard for me this time (was a breeze 5 years ago!) because of my job, and the time intensive nature of it...sometimes I simply can't take a lunch break, and resort to cereal bars or protien bars, which seriously hampers my points...and I end up needing to consume 10+ points at the end of the day, just to make my target. Which means I eat unhealthy stuff, to make the points up. There's another plan...the core plan (I'm on the flex plan) seems to be a bit easier, but perhaps a little slower on the weight loss.

On flex, I can eat whatever I want, but have to track the points. On core, there are certain foods I can eat (the list is huge, though), and the rest is off limits. A total change of eating habits.

I'm going to stick with flex...try a couple more weeks. Then see.

Later. America's Next Top Model is on, and it's the season finale! WHOOT!

Time Well Spent

2008-05-13T19:46:00.000-07:00

Wow. January?? Long time.

But...I must say. It's been time well spent. Working at the Palazzo has been interesting to say the least. I've acclimated to the job of hotel housekeeper...almost all the way. It's easier physically. Most days. :o) I'm making my room quota daily, save for those days when extenuating circumstances exist...which don't come very often anymore, thank God.

And kicker of all kickers - drumroll please! I've lost 30 pounds! WHOOPEEE! I'm seeing a number on the scale that I haven't seen in 4-EH-VER!

I've also joined Weight Watchers at Work. Learning to eat right is not easy. Especially when I run all day and hardly ever take a lunch break. But I'm trying. :o) And thinking of buying a beautiful size 14 sundress...all white with purple flowers around the bottom half. For inspiration. Although...by the time I get down to that size, it'll be winter. Probably. :o) We'll see.

My future looks bright...but the kind of bright that you can't really make anything out because it's so bright you have to close your eyes? Know what I mean? I have a couple options, and am going on a mini-vacation to La Jolla, California to spend a few days praying about them. I'll let ya know.

That's all for now...Dancing with the Stars will be on soon. :o) I love that show, but boy do I miss Maks being on it!

OH! Shout out to Sammy and Carol from Florida! I met them on the bus today, and had a lovely time chatting with them!

:o)

Waiting...

2008-01-22T19:07:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for life to happen. What am I holding my breath for? Is this all there is?

Life in the REAL WORLD

2008-01-11T18:58:00.000-08:00

So it's been a long time since I've posted. Mainly because I'm working everyday, and tired whenever I get home, and not up to getting on the computer and typing.

I've realized something: I'm a missionary at heart and a structured work life is not for me.

It's been one month since I've started working with The Venetian / The Palazzo, and housekeeping is hard work. I'm sore all the time, tired all the time, beyond dehydrated all the time....but the paycheck is SO worth it. The Palazzo opened its doors recently...not sure what date even, to be honest, so I'm stationed on a floor and no longer doing "contruction clean". :o) That's great news!

Another bonus with this job is that I never have to eat at home. I don't have grocery bills. I eat a good breakfast, a light lunch (which sometimes means a banana), and a good dinner, all in Pronto (employee dining room). Free. I'd eat lunch, but in order to finish my rooms, I can't take the break. So taking a banana upstairs with me is the extent of my lunch abilities. Eventually I'll be able to take the break, for sure, but for now, it's okay.

I'm still with Starbucks, working there on my days off from the Palazzo. Not sure how long that's going to last. I'm holding on to it in case I just can't get the hang of housekeeping.

Well, I am in need of rest. This is a boring post, but wanted to update. I'll try to be funny and hilarious in the next! :o)

Alive, yet unsettled...

2007-10-20T23:36:00.001-07:00

Just finished watching "Tsunami: The Aftermath" by HBO Films. It was intense.

The movie is a fictionalized account of what really happened in one section of Thailand during the week following the tsunami of December 26, 2004. The characters are a mix of real people, and the story lines of the character's lives are based on those real peoples' lives in those unimaginable days.

The movie is good. It's real. It cuts. It portrays many aspects of what happened just under three years ago....has it only been that long?

Humans...as a rule...are strong and resilient. We keep going, even if on auto pilot, when circumstances seek to reduce us to mush. The human mind is an intricate, unbelievably capable thing...it knows how much it can take, and immediately sets out to protect itself from destruction. We break. But we mend. And we move on. Sometimes we don't always heal correctly, or completely. But we are able to move beyond horrendous circumstances and continue living.

I was nauseous seeing the wave, seeing the destruction, bodies everywhere - despite it being a movie. I cried at the loss of life, the injustice of unidentified bodies, loss of land and possessions, and the lack of closure for those who were left alive and searching - never to find.

What struck me the most was a very simple fact: Despite our strength...life is fragile. Sometimes there is no warning...and it's over.

And I find myself asking one question: Am I able to say today, "I've lived life as fully as possible?" I don't know that I can answer yes to that question. And I don't know that I can figure out how to change my answer.

Not Me...NO WAY!

2007-10-19T11:52:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I just finished reading this book: How to Be Cool. It's women's fiction, about a girl who took charge of her life after college, lost 75 pounds by hard work and depriving herself of all good food, and "transformed" her life so well that she is now gives lessons to people on How to Be Cool (the name of the seminar and company).

Props to anyone who can lose 75 pounds. And keep it off. And be happy about it and continue to live life to its fullest.

But that was not this girl. "Kylie" was obsessive about her past - Vintage Kylie she called it at first, then finally admitted it was really Fat Kylie. She got defensive when she thought someone might even be hinting at her fat past. She worked out a couple hours every day, ate a very strict diet every day, and hid a LOT of stuff from her clients - including her past, the fact that her social life was nothing like she claimed it was, and that she was living with her parents after a fire destroyed her apartment building (a perfectly acceptable reason to be camping out a Mom & Dad's if you ask me, but Kylie was 100% ashamed of it, so hid it.)

Most of the time, when I read a book, I like the Main Character. But I did not like Kylie. She was ridiculously unhappy with her life, unethical in her business (lying to your clients is unethical, right?), and let her past run her present and future. I couldn't stand her. I kept expecting her to wake up, grow up, and get past it all and on with life.

She did. But I missed it. It happened without any real clarification of it happening. One day she was obsessing, the next she was eating cake.

The book itself was okay...but Kylie...aye, aye, aye. I hope..........I PRAY, that I will never be her. Yes, I want to lose the weight. Yes, I want to "re-invent" some areas of my life (coffee with George, ya know??), but I do not want to be a slave to bland diet food and the gym and a "fat" past that haunts me. What is the stinkin point of losing the weight and saving your own life, if you cannot LIVE once it's off?????

Yes, Kylie is a fictional character. But how many real life women are just like her? Desperate to keep the weight off, to the point of not even really living?

Not me! NO WAY! I vow, here and now, to live life, even in the process of taking off the weight. I will still enjoy food. I will be sensible about work outs. I will continue accepting that I am a beautiful woman no matter what size, and that the past is redeemable no matter how bad.

THAT is how to be cool...in my book anyway.

0 to 60 in 3 seconds...

2007-10-16T18:09:00.001-07:00

Transition is fun. Or at least, that's what people tell me. It's interesting, to say the least. I swing back and forth between worrying about getting a job, and enjoying the pleasure of sleeping (almost) whenever the heck I want.

And then, the last few days happened, and I'm a bit dizzy from the whirlwind of change.

I've been applying for jobs, right and left. Craigslist has become a friend, and I was able to grab three great interviews from the 20(ish) resume submissions for jobs posted. All three of those turned out to be rejections, but hey...there's a plan...there has to be right? Gotcha! I believe there is. I've been praying for God to close all the wrong doors, and open the right one(s) so that I'm where He wants me to be for the next year or whatever.

So, the Venetian has been the hotel in Vegas that I've been determined to work at since I knew this break was happening. I've been faithfully applying for different jobs - because they have been faithfully rejecting me for each of said jobs. Upon getting the third rejection (after nearly four weeks of waiting for a response beyond the screening interview), I immediately RE-applied again - for housekeeping this time. All the others had been secretarial positions, so I thought to mix it up a bit, ya know?

Two days later, I had the screening interview. At that interview, I was scheduled for a second interview two days later. At that interview, I was hired. SHEESH! When the door opened, it blew open so quickly I could hardly catch my breath!

And then, I had a second interview at Starbucks, and the manager hired me at the end of the interview! SHEESH!

So, now I have three jobs. :o) Mildly psychotic, I know. But one will be full time, one will be very part time, and the other will be floor-sets only. I'm just waiting for the official job offer from the Venetian before I make any sudden moves...ya know?

So, as boring as this blog entry was...life is definitely NOT boring these days.

The Face In My Mind

2007-10-09T18:23:00.000-07:00

Have you ever missed someone so much that it made you physically ill? Not violently ill, just enough to make ya feel "off" somehow? Like...walking through mud a foot thick, with fog surrounding you so densely that you can barely see a foot in front of you? A nagging headache that has no root, just kind of floats around your noggin in a most annoying way?

I have. And I'm experiencing that now.

He's a friend. Nothing more. Likely never will be anything more than a distant friendship. He's larger than life...but meek and humble. He sees more in me that I do. He has more faith in me than I do. And he always has. I haven't seen him in a very long time. He doesn't live in Vegas, and for that I am thankful.

Every once in a while, I'll have a dream. I'll see his face in the dream...and rarely does one of those dreams happen without there being some kind of meaning behind it...either for him or myself. They don't come often. But I do know that if I see him in a dream...to pay attention. The problem with that though...is that sometimes the meaning isn't clear...and after every dream, a period of time goes by that he becomes the constant face in my mind. I can see his face clearly...for days...sometimes weeks...until finally it fades again, and I'm out of the fog.

A tiny part of me will always wish for more than friendship. And most of the time I can bury that wish and forget about it. But when he becomes the face in my mind...it's a wish that demands attention.

I love these days. To see his face all the time, to know that he is near in some way. I hate these days. To miss someone so much it affects me physically, and to wish for impossible things.

I have a love / hate relationship with the face in my mind.

Nirvana

2007-10-05T18:08:00.000-07:00

"a place or state characterized by freedom from or oblivion to pain, worry, and the external world" - definition #3 from dictionary.com

- or -

"walking through the men's fragrance counter at a department store" - dawn's definition

It's not everyday that one gets the unmatchable joy of both going to their happy place and experiencing nirvana. But - keeping the above definition in mind - I was blessed enough to have that kind of day.

Polo, D&G, Usher, Tommy, Boss, Aramis, CK, Eternity, Drakkar Noir, Gucci, Hummer, Kenneth Cole, Lacoste, Obsession, Valentinio....they all mix together to make the most intriguing, most addicting, most fireworks-in-the-brain and hippie-drum-circles-in-the-heart inducing fragrance in the world. Oh. My. Gawd.

I walked through twice...on my way to and from my happy place (happy place = the public library btw). I thank God that it's on the way to the library....because quite frankly, it would be strange to just hang out there for a while. Can you imagine seeing a woman of my former-hot-chick-ed-ness just hanging out at the men's frangrance counter, trying to look nonchalant as I take unnaturally deep breaths...through my nose? Talk about strange sightings.

Might I add that the women's frangrances all mixed up do NOT smell that good? Talk about headache inducing...sheesh.

And whilst I was enjoying this nirvana experience...the thought came into my mind...I wonder what George Clooney wears? Does he wear the kind of frangrance that would make a girl stick her nose in his neck and never come up for air? He most likely wears some unbelievably expensive cologne that is advertized as having a rare powerful aphrodisiac that is only produced by some nearly extinct tribal clan in the remotest part of the remotest jungle. Although...if the tribe is nearly extinct, it can't be that powerful, eh? But I digress...

Whatever Mr. Clooney wears...I'm sure I'd be happy to smell it. Oh yeah. I sure would be.

Hokie Ding-Dong!

2007-10-01T22:07:00.000-07:00

:o) Isn't that a funny saying? That's what my (former) boss, Rich, always says when something surprises him. I've taken it on, as part of my own quirky-wonky-dorky nature. (No offense, Rich.)

So here it is, OCTOBER FIRST!!! Can you BELIEVE it???? Sorry for those caps, to you internet-etiquette-conscious peeps - but ... SERIOUSLY. Can you believe it's stinkin October already?? This year has literally flown by...no kidding. It sprouted wings round about January 11th, and just never stopped flying.

Well, yeah. It's October 1st. And I'm officially finished with YWAM Las Vegas as a full time staff member. It's a slightly weird feeling. But a lovely feeling nonetheless. (Again, no offense, Rich. But when it's right, it's just right.)(I have no belief that Rich will ever read this...but who knows.)

I've been gaining hours at Bath and Body Works, put an app in at Starbucks, and am hoping to do okay for now with two part time jobs. BBW might move way up in hours with the onset of the holiday season (it is October already, ya know??). Nothing else has panned out (after seven interviews), but I'm still waiting to hear from two hotel positions. Do the math. That's 5 rejections. But I'm not letting that get me down!

Along with these things...I need to get moving on the whole weight issue, the premise for this here blogamathinger. For instance...I just got off BBW, and my feet hurt like all get out. (Anyone wanna venture a guess where "all get out" comes from and why? I've always wondered!) I'm tired of having hurting feet. Granted, the hard as wood wood flooring (I'll slap my own forehead thankyouverymuch) makes it possible to have aching feet and legs no matter what body type you are, but let's face it...weighing 130 pounds more than I should sure doesn't help the ole kickers any.

So what are my options? Hmmm. I want to get a membership to the Las Vegas Athletic Club. "Ladies Join Free!" is being advertised again, and although it's not as great as the $19 a month it was a few weeks ago...it's not bad! 24-Hour Fitness's rate is outrageous and I can only go to one gym. I think with LVAC I'll be able to go to any of em. WhoooHooo! Or should I say...HOKIE DIN-DONG!

So yes, my pets, it is time to start looking towards the days of sweat and sore muscles...two of my most favorite things in the world. Seriously. No - seriously. YES! I do like that feeling! I admit it! And admitting is the first step to healing, isn't that what they say? Whatever. It's time to look into a gym membership.

Tomorrow. When my feet don't hurt so bad. :o)

Night night!

So...

2007-09-23T23:26:00.000-07:00

What do you do when you see someone young, someone you love, heading down the same destructive road you walked down yourself....only she's doing it years younger and light years faster? I don't know what to do about it. I'm sad. I'm mad. I'm not in a place to do anything.

You have to let people make their mistakes...but how far do you have to let them go?

Frustrating.

It's not the weight thing that she's doing...it's the junk that led to the weight thing. She's giving herself away, piece by piece, layer by layer...pretty soon, she'll be wondering who the hell she is, and wondering why life is so unhappy. Because that's where the road leads. No where. No where good. I don't say that because it happened to me...I say that because it happens to everyone trying to use empty things to fill their lives.

I'm angry that life is so confusing and frustrating and hard. I'm angry that she is going to get hurt. And mostly I'm angry that there is nothing I can do about it.

Aye, Aye, Aye.

2007-09-21T01:47:00.000-07:00

That's all I got to say. My back HURTS tonight. Worked for a few hours doing inventory at the good smelling place, and spent way too much time bent over counting things near the floor.

Another reason to hate this weight. My back is so messed up...I'm trying to think of something clever and/or funny - some kind of metaphor that will make you laugh, even as you empathize with my pain.

Nothing. It just hurts like all get out.

I hate this weight. All this extra junk I'm carrying around for no good reason. I can't imagine the horrible things it's doing to my heart and my other wonderfully designed internal organs.

Come ON full time job. I need to get to the GYM!

Did I mention that sleeping is not exactly easy to do when you're 130 pounds overweight? It's not. I snore like there's no tomorrow, toss and turn like there's ants in my pants, and wake up every 20-30 minutes like I'm afraid I left the stove on. All this makes for a very, very tired Dawnsy.

So I'm in the office (which is in one side of the house I live in), working. Because I can't yet fall asleep. And I got off the good smelling place 2 1/2 hours ago.

Like I said....aye, aye, aye.

"Damn, you smell good!"

2007-09-18T16:54:00.000-07:00

I remember hearing that, seeing the guy who said it, and being confident that I deserved the compliment. I had done my usual...dressed casually in shorts and a t-shirt, sprayed some Giorgio on, then sprayed Wild Musk on top of that. Something about my body chemistry mixed those two fragrances like nobodiy's business, and turned noses, eyes, and bodies everywhere I went.

For that particular exclamation, I was in a department store looking for...I can't remember what. Upon hearing the man say it, I turned, smiled, took note of his good-looking-ness, and said, "Thanks!" and walked on, confidence and cockiness in full display, along with swinging hips of course.

Those were the days....the days of being wanted and admired not only for what I smelled like, but also what I looked like. I was what you call a Hot Chick. I didn't look like a model...I wasn't thin and emaciated. I was healthy. Big butt, big boobs, huge smile, brilliant eyes...a sight that caused many a man to lick his lips and shake his head while looking me up and down.

But you see...those were turbulent days for me. I loved the attention...craved the attention...for a while. A year, maybe two...and then it just started to be empty. That attention no longer satisfied, no longer filled, no longer gave me what I wanted. But it was still oh so good and oh so hard to say "No" to.

In retrospect, I am aghast at what I did to my body. I am disgusted at the mutilation of what was once a perfectly healthy package of flesh and bones. But I wanted to be liked and loved for my mind and my intellect...not my body. So what's a girl to do? Ugghhh....my choice was to take away what got the attention. Get rid of the healthy, voluptuously, scrumptiously hot body.

I packed on 130 extra pounds. And there you have it: I am a - FORMER - Hot Chick. What's more...men don't value my mind and my intellect, at least not enough to get past the unhealthy body and ask me out on a date.

Oddly enough, I still get comments. A man watched me through the library shelves once, and came around and said to me, "Excuse me. But I just have to tell you that you have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen." WHEW! And another time, some man next to me at a stop light motioned for me to roll down the passenger side window so he could tell me, "You are so beautiful." But those comments are fewer and far-er between.

Yadda, yadda, yadda, right? So you're probably wondering... "This gonna be a blog about the past or what?" WHAT! This blog is about me...regaining control of my life and body by losing that 130 pounds...and getting back my former hot chick-ed-ness. It's going to be a time of laughter, humor, sarcasm, blood, sweat and bucket loads of tears.

It's gonna be a wild ride, for sure!

Stay tuned for C-R-A-Z-I-N-E-S-S!!!